1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

my coach.....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bari94, Mar 22, 2011.

  1. bari94

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2011
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I posted about a week ago about how homophobic baseball is, and i don't know for sure, but it might have taken a turn for the worse:

    My coach, who had told me that he wanted me to play varsity has bumped me down to JV for no apparant reason. My performance hasn't changed, and neither has my effort. The only thing that has changed is that he now knows that I am gay. I have worked soooo hard for this, and I am completely devastated.:tears: However, there is no way for me to be CERTAIN that this is the reason, even though it is the only logical one. I know for a fact, though, that if I go to the athletic director, I will get the crap kicked out of me. My confidence and excitement has turned to shock and devastation.

    Is there any way I can actually resolve this situation?!:help::help::help::help:
     
  2. s5m1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2007
    Messages:
    800
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a few questions:

    1. Did you ask him why? If so, what was his response?
    2. How do you know he is aware you are gay?
    3. Have your playing stats changed at all? Have you missed any practices or games? Have you violated any rules?
    4. What state are you in?
    5. How old are you and what grade?
    6. Are you out to your parents?
     
    #2 s5m1, Mar 22, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2011
  3. bari94

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2011
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    1. yes, he said it was just what he decided.
    2. cuz i told him to try to get him and other players to stop using the word faggot.
    3. nope, I have gotten better;no;no
    4. Rhode Island
     
  4. s5m1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2007
    Messages:
    800
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    How old are you and what grade? Are you out to your parents?
     
  5. bari94

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2011
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I am a Junior. and yes, but we don't talk about it. i think my dad disagrees with it.
     
  6. s5m1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2007
    Messages:
    800
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    This is a really hard situation for you. Again, I am really sorry that you are going through this. There is no easy answer here, particularly if you are not completely out, or ready to come completely out. Rhode Island has a policy prohibiting this type of discrimination. The difficulty is that making such a complaint will out you. There are protections available to you, but only you can decide whether you want to come out so you can pursue them.

    Have you considered pressing the coach for a more specific reason?
     
  7. bari94

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2011
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I am kinda at a point where I am comfortable enough with myself where I don't give a damn who cares, but if I report this, people will know it was me. and I can count on both hands the number of people that would have my head.

    As for the second part, i don't want his wrath. he is notoriously moody and callous.
     
  8. zerogravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2011
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Montreal, Canada
    wow, this is shocking - I feel very sad for you. I can only imagine how I would feel in this situation. If it really is the reason - this coach is very stupid and he made a big mistake. So, the question is, do you have any official documents that can prove you were already accepted to play Varsity? Like a tryout results sheet or anything.

    If so, you need to talk to a lawyer. If not, you could talk to the coach or maybe the athletic director, but unless he comes out an states you being gay as the reason for your demotion you have very little ground to stand on.
     
  9. bari94

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2011
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thank You
    I don't have anything except his word.
    And I know i don't. and it really sucks, cuz he even had me practicing with varsity, and a kid who was practicing with JV is now on varsity.
     
  10. Rikudo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2009
    Messages:
    331
    Likes Received:
    0
    As an athlete in team sports I feel your pain. This type of deal is what I fear will happen to me if I was an open player.

    First off your situation does sound horrible especially if it's like you say and your being demoted just because you are gay. I can't give you much advice on your dilemma however all I'd say is that you be extremely careful on how you pursuit this.
     
  11. bari94

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2011
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I will. thanks
     
  12. MyDecember

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2011
    Messages:
    268
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    You have legitimate questions. He's the coach, he should have legitimate answers. You are also a minor talk to your parents about this and let them help you out. They might not like or support the notion that you are gay but I doubt they want their child to be discriminated against because the coach says so.
     
  13. Ianthe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2011
    Messages:
    2,760
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Oregon
    That's appalling.

    For anyone who wants the background, here's his other thread. It's highly relevant.

    Ask again why he's moved you down to JV. Tell him you just want to know what you should be working on to improve, since he apparently wasn't satisfied with your performance. It wouldn't be a bad idea to do this in writing, much as I explained in the other thread. Email, with a cc to your principal you mentioned who supports and works with the GSA.

    Dear Coach XXXXX,

    I'm very confused as to why I have been demoted from varsity to JV. My stats have been improving, and I haven't missed any practices or violated any rules. If something about my performance has been less than satisfactory, I would like to know exactly what, so that I can work on it to improve for the future. When I asked you the reason, you just said that it is what you have decided, which doesn't help me to grow as a baseball player.

    I don't like to think so, but I'm worried that this might be because you learned last week that I am gay. I hope that isn't the reason.

    If you could please explain your reasons for demoting me, I'm sure I would feel a lot better.

    Thank you,
    [your name]

    In the other thread, you said that you were still going to go to your principal, or a gay-friendly teacher or counselor. Did you do so? You might want to talk to them again if you did. And if you do send the email, it would be a good idea to let the principal know it's coming. Also, you now might want to mention to your principal that the coach was previously using the word "faggot," which I'm pretty sure is not allowed.

    Also, tell your parents what's going on. They may not be too excited that you are gay, but they won't like that you are being discriminated against, either. They could be a lot of help, and I doubt they'd do anything to make it worse. If you think you will have a hard time bringing it up with them, maybe just print out the two threads from here, and show them.

    They know you are gay. They would probably be horrified that something like this is going on and you don't think you can tell them, don't think you can trust them to help you. They love you. Tell them.
     
  14. alexi12

    alexi12 Guest

    Maybe you can ask the coach to explain further why he put you on JV as opposed to accepting "That's what I decided". Perhaps ask him how you can get back on varsity. And maybe put this on e-mail. I'm not sure though. But if it was on E-mail and he said anything homophobic, you could prove it. However, this may give him the freedom to make up another excuse with unlimited time.

    I'm sorry this happend to you though, you were brave to talk to him and it backfired :frowning2: (we think) I would have had a very difficult time even considering talking to him.
     
  15. olides84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2008
    Messages:
    953
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Belgium
    Your demotion looks so suspicious. Not only to you and us here at EC, but probably to any neutral observer. It's totally out of the blue with no indication that you were to go to JV; the only thing that changed was that you asked them to stop using "faggot." It's very similar to the person who brings up discrimination in the workplace. The boss says they will do something about it, but then the employee is transferred into an inferior position because being fired (= thrown off the team in your case) would be way too obvious. Does your coach manage the JV team too? If not, that's another nail in his coffin.

    Of course, you need to navigate carefully here like others have said. I also advise possibly going to your parents first, especially if they've been supportive of your baseball playing for all this time.
     
  16. Pseudojim

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2009
    Messages:
    2,868
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I would be willing to kick up a stink (i.e. cause trouble) over it, but that's me.

    ianthe's suggestion...

    was pretty good, but i would throw in there an allusion to how many witnesses there are to corroborate that he only just learned that you're gay, and the fact that he immediately, despite records on paper indicating he should do the opposite, demoted you. Baseball is a good sport to get demoted in if you want to fight it, because of how statistically approachable it is.

    If you point out that you have the stats, the witnesses, AND potentially hostile media on your side, the threat to his job might be enough to get him to get back in line and start behaving like a proper human.

    I'm a vindictive bastard, i'd just kick up as big of a stink as possible and try to find any journalist to take up my story (having it basically written beforehand might help, i'd imagine journalists are as likely to cotton on to a free-ride of a job as much as anyone from any other profession is), and put the pressure on, knowing i'd be in the right no matter what idiots antagonise me for defending myself.
     
  17. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm with Psuedojim. It seems pretty certain this is bigotry on the part of your coach.

    It all depends on you and what you're willing to do, but if it were me, I would also go for raising a HUGE stink. The way that we overcome the sort of bigotry in schools is by standing up, and essentially publicly shaming the coaches, principals, and school board members until they change their tune.

    In your case, the coach's justification sounds *extremely* weak, and it seems pretty obvious the guy is a dumbass. If he wanted to cover his ass, he could have made up bogus reasons, but the fact he didn't even do that is an indication that he's too stupid to realize what he's doing.

    If you feel as though going to his boss (the athletic director) would get your ass kicked, the next step is the school principal, and if you get no satisfaction there, then the school board. You can likely enlist help from either PFLAG in your area, or perhaps a GSA at a neighboring school if yours doesn't have one (there are at least a handful of GSAs in Rhode Island.)

    My guess is that once your principal knows you mean business and are going to the media and getting gay advocacy organizations involved, his tune will change pretty quickly, and someone will kick the coach's ass, and you'll get back on the varsity team.

    If you're willing to stand up to the heat, you may be able to make a difference not only for yourself, but for all the gay athletes at your school that will follow you. It's not an easy road to take, but it's people who get indignant and take a stand that have made a difference for all of us.
     
  18. Pseudojim

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2009
    Messages:
    2,868
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Chip said it better than me. Subtract the "I'm a vindictive bastard" part of my post, and read chip's.

    This is the best part.

     
  19. bari94

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2011
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    No he doesn't manage the JV team. The JV coach is a much better guy.

    I am not sure if I have te strength or power to raise a big stink, but I will try. And don't worry pseudojim, I am feeling like a vindictive bastard right now too.
     
  20. zzzero

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Messages:
    779
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So, I'm pretty sure discrimination based on your sexuality isn't all that legal in RI... Probably the best thing you could do first is try to talk to your coach about this. If that doesn't pan out for you, and you discover even further that he is discriminating against you because you are gay, go talk to the principle of your school. If you still recieve discrimination, then it's time to get more serious. This type of thing shouldn't be happening at all.

    Do you attend public school?
    If you do, then you can likely get them to change their minds just by saying you will take legal action if this continues. And that you want to be seen for your athletic ability, and not your sexual preference. You are no different a person than you were when they thought you were straight. If you're doing well and you were going to be on varsity before you came out, then they have no reason to take you out of it at all, especially if they don't have any reasoning for it...

    I know it might be difficult because this will probably cause you to have to come out to a lot of people, but you've already come out to a bunch of seemingly homophobic people already. Plus if you've told your teammates, i'm sure more people around school know than you even realize, kids spread word quickly.

    You should pursue this not only for your own rights, but for the rights of gay people all over America. This kind of discrimination goes unnoticed by so many people, and it's this kind of bullshit that makes things difficult for us for no god damn reason.