this might be a bit rambly and long but this looks like a helpful place so i thought i would give it a try... im starting to question my sexuality but i dont know why exactly. i am female 20 yrs old, but have only ever had crushes on males. i therefore never questioned my sexuality before. but i have never slept with anyone before so i dont understand how i am supposed to know what my sexuality is. a few months ago i started seeing someone for the first time, i really like him and he is the perfect gent. i get all the warm fuzzy feelings you would expect to get from romance, and the thought of him leaving me makes me really upset. because he is leaving uni at the end of the year though, weve already said we cant commit, and so at first this made me think that i couldn;t sleep with him or do anything really sexual with him because its a really big step for me, having never done it before, and that id want to be in a committed relationshiop in order to be able to take that step. now we are on easter break and we sort of parted on bad terms, and at first i was worried that he wouldn;t want me any more but now i am worrying that i am gay! or bi. i dont know. it seems quite a leap, i dont know how i linked one thing to the other. the reasons i think i might be are as follows.... when we make out, i start off getting turned on but then at things progress further i start to lose the feeling.. i dont know whether this is because im not ready for it and he is so more experienced so gets turned on more easily, or if its just because im gay! i think my limited experience is a factor here... i have watched porn before and i was turned on but i dont know what this says because ihave heard that it isnt abnormal for straight women to be turned on by porn, and i thought maybe watching porn was a way of making up for my own lack of exxperience like... while other people were going out and experiencing sex etc a nd getting turned on by it, i jut got turned on by watching it because i didnt have the experience... does that make sense? but now i dont know if maybe i just was attracted to the women.. ive never looked at a girl before and thought that i wanted her to kiss me or that i was physically attracted to her, but now because i am worrying i sort of force myself to think of girls in this way to see if i am attracted to them. i dont imagine myself in the future settling down with a woman, i see myself with a man, but if ive never thought about it with a woman before then how do i know? im really scared. ive thought about how my friends and family would feel if i was gay or bi and i know they would all be supportive, but i dont feel as though i am lying to them or hiding anything from them or am pretending to be straight. i think im second guessing everything i do or have ever done now, and i dont know if its because im realising something about myself that i never knew but was always there, or if i am reading things into things that dont need reading into. i cant get the worry off my mind but i dont know what to do about it. i dont want to go out getting with girls because well.. i dont know it just seems ridiculous in my head. ive never really been one for experimenting, i just thought that whatever happened to me in life would happen to me, and as long as i didnt lie about anything itd be fine. but ive never exactly been one to take action.. i let thing happen to me. but while i took forever for a boy to ask me out, i felt like i was missing out on not having a boyfriend.. i never felt like i wanted a girlfriend, or got jealous if like.. a pretty girl got a boyfriend. i wished i was the pretty girl with the boy friend! and if i see two girls making out in public, or if i see a lesbian couple or a gay couple, i dont feel jealous of what they have or wish i could come out and be like them.. i just never thought i had to come out because i was straight! i never feel like ive been denying anything to myself. but now i think.. who knows? maybe i do? i suppose im wondering, when you started to discover that you were gay etc, how did the process pan out? like there must have been something made you KNOW and be able to recognise that you had same sex tendencies, what were they? i also just want to get this sorted out because although i never thought this when i was with the guy that i am seeing, i now feel so incredibly guilty toward him for having these thoughts. i feel like i cant even think about him any more because of it and im scared of going back after easter and not being able to get rid of these guilty thoughts and feelings. it makes me feel sick to think of how i am thinking about maybe being gay or bi when i have the most incredible person who likes me and wants me and the thought of losing him makes me so upset it physically makes me cry, but why have i got these thoughts if there is nothing to them? is it possible for a straight person to question their sexuality like this? and do lesbians or gay people feel disgusted by straight sex, or the thought of being with s traight person? i dont feel disgusted by it at all. but i feel that if i can openly question or ponder the thought of being with women, something must be up right? i dont want to think about this any more.... well. i dont want it to be a worry. i want to just feel whatever it is that i feel, but i dont know if i do feel anything towards women or if i am just asking myself a nagging question for no reason that wont go away. like part of me thinks that i would be able to accept myself if i was gay and there would be nothing to be ashamed of... but then the other part thinks that thats all very well but i dont need to accept myself as gay because im NOT GAY. but the thoughts wont go away. im so confused. its like i dont feel like im gay and i dont really identify with any of the gay storied i have read, but i keep telling myself that i must be. urgh i dont know.
It is possible to know your orientation without having sex with anyone. Your orientation is about who you are attracted to. We are usually attracted to people before having sex with them (otherwise we wouldn't do it). However, sometimes it's difficult. If you haven't known many lesbians, you may not have developed strong feelings for women simply because you didn't imagine that they would return such feelings. For some people, that prevents them from developing crushes. It's also possible to have romantic feelings for someone but not recognize them for what they are. Many people are bisexual. However, bisexuality should not interfere with your relationship with your boyfriend. The thing to be concerned about in regards to that is not whether you are attracted to women, but whether you are attracted to men, and to your boyfriend in particular. Rather than generalizing, maybe consider the particular instance first. Are you attracted to your boyfriend, or not? Do you want to have sex with him? You say you get kind of turned on by kissing, but then you get turned off and want to stop. What is it that turns you off? The most important question is always whether you are attracted to an individual. Patterns about the individuals to whom you are attracted can only be found once that is already determined, for many cases. And, if you are truly attracted to a particular person, it doesn't really matter whether they fit your usual pattern of attraction or not. It can be useful to determine what your orientation is, because, for example, if you are lesbian, it's a good idea to put yourself in situations to meet other lesbians. But it is not essential to know your orientation to figure out whether you want to be with a particular person. Most women do enjoy sex, if their isn't some sort of trauma or something in their past that prevents them. Inability to become aroused by your boyfriend could indicate something about your orientation (including possibly asexuality, which you haven't mentioned--some people don't experience sexual attraction to either sex), or it could indicate some other problem. Men sometimes have success using pornography to help figure out their orientation, but I don't recommend it for women. It isn't unusual for lesbians to prefer gay male porn. Women relate to porn in a completely different way than men do--men are primarily aroused by the visual image, while women are more interested in the interactions and perceived desire of the participants. (Women often prefer written erotica because it is better at portraying these things.) If anyone seems kind of bored, or if it seems phony, women often don't like it. Anyway, female arousal from pornography is based primarily on other things than the appearance of people's bodies, so it's not a very good measure of who we are attracted to. For now, just concentrate on whether you actually want to be with your boyfriend or not. Keep an open mind as to whether you like women. If it doesn't work out with your boyfriend, maybe meet some actual lesbians and find out whether you are attracted to them.
Holy wall of font! Short version-you certainly can know if you're gay without sleeping with someone. Like I say, the proof is in the porn. If porn featuring the same sex/gender as you makes your naughty bits tingle, then there you go. The romantic connection business is auxiliary to that first thing simply because societal conditioning suggesting being gay is wrong creates mental roadblocks that prevent one from seeing the possibility of being romantic with the same sex. Honestly, falling in love is easy. It's a question of whether that's an intimate physical love or something more akin to the love between friends.
Warm fuzzy feelings. Usually a sign of liking someone, in my opinion.... Could just be me though. :icon_bigg The idea of a relationship being more important than sex seems to be important for you here... Which is (at least I think so) a good thing. It sounds like you would like to have, but are unsure about/scared of the idea. Its actually a pretty logical leap... If for some reason you don't think you like one gender, most people will automatically consider the other gender. Even if only on a theoretical basis. Doesn't mean you're gay, simply that you can think. That sounds less like 'gay' and more like 'low sex drive' or 'asexual' to me... Not being turned on by intimate contact with someone you like does not by necessity make you Gay or Bisexual. Look up some of the other alternatives, and read. I found that helped. You get turned on by porn... This is normal, for both guys and girls of all sexual orientations. Don't leap to conclusions about it. You may be attracted to women and never realised before, but to me this sounds more like heterosexuality. At the very least, any attraction you have to other females is buried very deeply. Maybe you're overanalysing? This should be the last thing you think about. Take a step back, think about everything some more, and then once you are 100% sure yourself, you can think about family and friends. Don't leap without looking first... Doesn't seem like you have any problems with homsexuality (unless I'm missing something here?) but that doesn't necessarily mean you are. Think about it some more... Try putting yourself in various situations in your mi9nd and think 'is this something that I would want'? If it is, then you might very well be gay/Bi or at least curious. Ask one of the other lovely peeps here... I'm probably not the best one to answer that one. (<-- Is Asexual... ^^) Thoughts are not necessarily bad. It just means that you're intelligent enough to consider alternatives. Your best friend right now is research, research and more research. also, ask yourself questions. Think about what your reaction would be if another girl kissed you... would you ever want to kiss another girl? If you did, would it be something that would make you feel good? Hey, experiment a bit if you really want... Just make it clear to whoever it is you want to experiment with that that is what this is from the onset. anyways, best of luck in your journey and welcome to EC! (*hug*) Kaleb.
