I'm sorry this is long, but if you have the time and patience to read it I would really appreciate it. I'm going out of my mind trying to figure everything out and failing miserably. As a kid, I never really thought about who I was attracted to - or "liked," I suppose, is the more appropriate vernacular. I had crushes on people all the time but I never distinguished genders, I just liked who I liked. It took until middle school for me to realize that whenever I really liked someone, it was a girl. I was "dating" guys then like all of my friends were, but it always felt wrong somehow - like there wasn't a spark, and being around them made me feel squeamish, and I never really wanted to spend any time with them. Other girls raved about kissing and how nice it was being with a boyfriend, and I counted down minutes I'd have to spend with my boyfriend wishing I was anywhere else. When I met my first "girlfriend" on an internet chat room, I finally figured out what had been missing, but I didn't want to accept it. We were "together" for almost a year and when I broke it off (I'm ashamed to say I did so cruelly and with no sympathy -- it seemed the only way to really make her leave) to end the "phase" of lesbianism I was somehow stuck in, I didn't think much of it. Dating boys again disgusted me, more so than before, but I needed it. I needed the distraction and the attention and I needed to feel loved and worthwhile. And straight. That was a big one -- I really, really needed to feel straight. It took a long, drawn-out abusive relationship, a move away from home, and a new group of amazing friends to realize that there was no reason for me to hate myself the way I did. I started trying to figure out who I was beneath the self-loathing and it didn't take long to turn my investigation on the state of my sexual identity. I still hadn't figured anything out concretely, because while I could look at pictures of girls and want them so badly it hurt, I had yet to find a girl I click with. It felt like deja-vu with a different gender. And then I met Her. My lab partner in Chemistry was beautiful, intelligent, funny, sweet, smart - we clicked right away. I wanted to be her best friend; I was infatuated. She had a boyfriend, but that was okay because I got to spend time with her. And then her boyfriend cheated on her, and she broke it off. She had casually mentioned early on in our friendship that she identified as bisexual, but it was still a surprise when during our comfort-food-and-movie night, she kissed me. I was in heaven, but I didn't want to rush things -- I didn't want to be a rebound. A few weeks later, we lay on her bed tangled in each others arms when she told me I was special, and we were meant to last. The next day, she went home for a weekend, and came back reunited with her boyfriend. I was crushed, obviously, but I got over it. It took me a bit longer than I would have liked - probably as she was my first real life (though short-lived) relationship with a girl AND with someone I actually cared about - but I did it. I thought it would be a change. I thought it would mean something for me, maybe that my world had opened up and I was ready to find other girls to date, ready to find someone to fill the consuming need I had for romantic love. But a month passed, and another, and another; and soon, it had been a year and I had still not met anyone of interest. I'm losing hope here. I feel confused and lost, like my soul is wandering in this body but knows nothing and feels nothing and is nothing. What if this is an indication that I'm not a lesbian at all? Maybe my bad experiences with men has forced me to take on a different outlook on my sexual preferences, and I'm not attracted to women and just think I am. She could have been a one-time thing, something special. I'm afraid. I don't know why the idea of not knowing my orientation terrifies me so much, but it does. My only shelter from the ravishing confusion is the thought that maybe I subconsciously keep myself from developing feelings for straight girls -- almost every female I know is straight and the ones that aren't, I feel no physical attraction towards. I keep thinking that maybe things would be different, too, if I looked like a lesbian, if people knew. I've tried to be as open about my sexuality as I felt I could be without being dishonest, but I'm still the girl with long hair who wakes up two hours early to curl her locks and put on make-up and wears skirts and dresses at all times if the weather permits. I'm still the slim, pretty one who wears high heels with every outfit and pouts if she chips the colored polish on her short oval fingernails, the girl with no common sense who says "like" about as much as a 14-year-old's livejournal. (And, consequently, the one who gets called an attention-whore by "real" lesbians because I'm a lipstick, ogled out by men who want to watch, and rejected by the Queer community because I "look straight," but that's another rant for another day.) I don't want to change who I am just because other people won't accept me, but it's getting more difficult with each passing day. I want to be in love. I crave it with every fiber of my being, every vibrating atom of which I am composed sings out of how badly I want to find someone. At what point is it beneficial to sacrifice who I know I am to solidify who I might be? Am I going about this self-discovery in the wrong way? Does the fact that I don't even have crushes mean I'm not actually attracted to women? I am making myself physically ill with all my thinking. I have become withdrawn and depressed. I feel lost and alone, like I have no one to go to. I came to you. Please help me.
You definitely sound like you don't like guys; but I can see how the confusion has thrown you off. Dating more people would help, but it may be hard to find girls in whatever situation you are in. But it may be easier to find men. But if you really don't want to date a guy, try and ask yourself why you don't want to. Not all lesbians are masculine, in fact many are quite feminine. I don't suggest you try and act differently to advertise your sexual orientation. Being yourself is the first step to success in things like finding the right person. Perhaps you just can't find anyone you would like to date because you are still in school? I don't know how old you are, but non-straight people who admit that they are not straight are very limited in most highschools. As far as not having crushes, it has nothing to do with sexual orientation necessarily. It can be from many reasons. Maybe lack of options, maybe you are just not up for a relationship or even thinking about one, although I don't think that is the case. But people can go long periods of time without having a crush. I've had only a couple in my life. Did that help?
I suppose -- I think that if I were still in high school, I'd be less worried about it. But I'm not: I'm a sophomore in college, and Troiden's identity development theory places me age-wise at the very start of where I'm supposed to be solidifying my identity in relation to my sexual orientation and I can't do that and... I need to stop taking psychology courses. Thanks for trying. It makes me feel better knowing someone took the time to read my monster of a thread-post.
hey, I hope you feel better soon <3 I think it's okay if you're still feeling a little bit confused about who you are, I think that some people don't figure it out until way into their twenties, even beyond - maybe even middle age! It's all about being comfortable with yourself and your situation, which is really really hard. Since really anything can happen to disrupt that feeling of comfort, it makes it even harder, and what you're describing is definitely a valid reason for confusion. You definitely don't have to try changing who you are, though, even if you think it might help you figure some things out. Staying true to who you feel you are could even help you figure things out more; you might not get distracted by ideas of how you should feel or what you might be like. Are there any lgbt groups at your school that you might be able to join or check out? If you haven't tried that already, that might be a good first step to exploring things a little more, especially since you said you only really know straight girls, which really sucks... you could meet some girls there who are interested in girls and either talk to them about it (and what it's like) or even get to know them better, and see how it goes. having some friends around you in the lgbt community never hurts, though! but good luck! (*hug*)
Can I just say that life is not a destination, it's a journey. Although I currently identify as bisexual, there are times where I find one sex more attractive than the other, and every once in a while I feel like I am asexual. Like Jenny asked, is there some LGBT group you can join, like GSA or GSU? Do not rush this, it is not a race to figure out your sexuality, although I know answers are always nice.
I'm already part of both the closed queer union and the open QSA at my college, but it's really a gay-male community more than anything else. The few queer girls that go are the same girls that have told me on numerous occasions that I am not a "real lesbian" / am an attention whore. People are mean. You guys aren't though.
I'm sorry they have said that to you. As it has been said, don't feel like you are abnormal for not knowing your sexual orientation. Many people go into their mid-life crisis in curiousity. But I hope things get better as you figure things out (*hug*)
Hey, you've got your whole life in front of you! There are so many other things you should be worried about, eh? Sexuality is fluid. You may know exactly who you like the day you hit puberty, or it may take time to find out. Don't push it! Just do whatever feels natural and comfortable to you.
Firstly I want to say im sorry that people have said you are not a real lesbian, its cruel and you would think that fellow gay people who are sometimes fighting not to be stereotyped would know better but obviously not. Secondly if anyone knows what a lesbian is supposed to look like please let me know because its something ive been missing. Dont worry we all look and act differently. I know its difficult when you are trying to figure everything out and your school and college years can be tricky enough without that added extra but I just have to honestly say dont feel like you have to rush these things I didnt come out or have a girlfriend till I was 26 so whilst its great if you have it figured out from a young age it really doesnt matter if you dont. I think hanging around EC for a while will help you see that here there are lots of gay people just like you and many gay people who are different to you just like there are with everything in life.
I'm sorry to hear that you are having problems fitting in with the college organizations. If you don't mind another suggestion... Have you tried some of the LGBT organizations in your wider community? I don't mean to imply that older heads are kinder or wiser, but it might help to talk with folks who have already been where you've been and have had a chance to figure out their lives and feelings a bit more.
Lol. I loved psychology. It wasn't that useful when I was looking for a way to explain myself though You sound like you already know you are a lesbian and are frustrated because some people's definitions are a bit limited. And because you haven't found the right person to connect with yet. It's a lonely place in your life, but this is a completely normal experience regardless of sexuality. Can't blame you for wanting an easier path. It will be worth it. Stay true to you!
Hello confused! Ignore anyone who tries to tell you you're not a "real lesbian." If you're being yourself, that's all the reality you or anybody else needs. I know how much wanting to know who you are/who you want to be with can occupy your thoughts. I've been there, and spent a lot of time asking the "Am I gay? Am I bi? What's going on?" questions. I don't have any easy solutions, or ways to speed the process up, but I can tell you that once you've asked all the questions you want to ask, and you've found all the answers, you'll feel so wonderfully comfortable with yourself and so very settled. In the meantime, while you're working on the answers, go easy on yourself. There's no time-limit, no start-date and no deadline. Some people realise they're gay or lesbian before they're ten. Other people, like myself, take until the end of university to realise, and others can be in their 40s or even older. So being a sophomore in college puts you well ahead of some people, myself included! As for worrying that you haven't had any serious romantic interest since your lab partner, and wondering if that changes things, I'd suggest that it doesn't. If you liked a girl then, chances are you still like girls now. It doesn't mean, necessarily, that you don't like boys (but the rest of your post suggests to me that, if you are bi, you lean quite heavily towards the gay end of the scale). Just because another girl that you would instantly click with hasn't come along, doesn't mean that she isn't out there, or that you're approaching some kind of lesbian sell-by date! There was a long gap for me between the first guy I had feelings for and the second one, and an even longer gap between the first guy I had feelings for and when I began seriously dating a guy. Don't worry if there's nobody you want right now... there's nothing wrong with that. All it means is that you're not willing to compromise yourself or settle for someone less than you deserve. I hope that helps!
To me it sounds like you are a lesbian, but just can't seem to find the right person. The question I asked myself when I was questioning my sexual orientation was, "Who do I want to live with for the rest of my life?" Eventually I was able to come to the conclusion that I am in fact a lesbian, but I did have my doubts. You are bound to have doubts about your sexuality just because in the media all you really see are heterosexual relationships, so you might feel like those are the only 'real' relationships. As for the other lesbians telling you you are not a 'real' lesbian, well, just prove that you are a real lesbian. They might truthfully believe that you are looking for a girl to date 'for attention,' just because I am sure some straight girls have done that. Maybe they are afraid that you will turn out to be straight if any one of them decides to date you, and the person dating you might get hurt (I'm not saying that will happen I am just stating how they might feel.) Hope I helped!
Well just coming out as being bi I fully understand where your coming from and so should most if not all other ec members. We have all had a sort of time period that you are experiencing here and well to me its just one of those things that if someone says your not a lesbian than just leave them behind because if someone came up to you and said oh your not a "insert your race here" then that would be the stupidest thing i ever heard jsut because you look like something else dont mean your not what you say you are. Take me for example I look like some white kid from Nevada but in all reality I have every race from cali to japan(going east of course) to include african but if someone called me a "cracker" or someother slang word for white it would not affect me because well....they dont know me and they dont know you so if that happens again just keep your head up and forget about their ignorance maybe their the ones who are looking for the attention from their group of friends or with that attitude why would they have friends. I hope what I said helps you out oh and by the way when you were talking about having a sexual encounter that was so enthralling like with that chemistry friend,.....im so jealous I havent had anything so impacting yet ohhh the envy lol any way I hope my comment helps
Haha. I am SO glad google led me here... Thank you all so very very much. I feel... better, I think. I'm still lonely but it helps hearing about everyone else's experiences and knowing that at least in an online forum people can accept me. <3<3<3
Hey Confused, I'm in the same place as you, but I've never had a relationship, not even a short one with another girl. It makes me feel normal to hear that so many people on this thread have had doubts about who they are. I think it's supernormal to a) not identify with the stereotype of 'lesbians'. I know I don't and b) to doubt your own sexuality since we are bombarded with images of heterocouples and stereotypical gay couples. This stuff is so confusing, that it makes us want to be hetero just so we don't have to deal with it all. But we can't live like ostriches, digging our heads into the ground whenever we get scared.
Hey, I really enjoyed your monster of a post. I think you just need to really think of what attracts you sexually to know what you like. But don't worry about defining yourself, you never know what life have in store. I have a friend who just realized he's bi. It sucks that those queer girls treat you like that, out of all people. Unfortunately it's not that rare in the queer/gay community... It's really not their place, you don't need to conform to their idea of what a "real" lesbian should be. Just wear what you like - no shame! I know what you mean about waiting, waiting and waiting for someone... I've never had even the inkling of a relationship, and I keep getting closer and closer, but there's always somethings that stops it from happening. It's tough, I know. Sometimes my motto is just to make myself a better person, so that not only I have a better chance of meeting someone but I'll be a better boyfriend when it happens. So I go to the gym, I try to get involved and do well in school, be more compassionate - that's my technique! Good luck and big hugs!
