So last month I came out to my mom, dad, and brother and it went pretty well. And after, I felt really relieved and great about myself, but now I'm kind of sinking back into a depressive state. No one has even mentioned my coming out since I told them. They all said that they would support me and that it was fine, but it now seems like my mom avoids the topic. I plan on coming completely out next year when I move onto university - a fresh start. However, I just want to know that if I bring a boy home, my family won't turn their backs on me. I'm probably over thinking all of this, but I really could not deal with their rejection; it would crush me. I also fear that I won't fit in when I do leave. I don't want to be labeled "gay", I just want to be me. I will not know a single soul when I arrive, which is a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because then I won't have to explain myself to any old friends, but it's bad because I have no idea how people react when you tell them that you're gay. I don't resemble any sort of stereotype, so it'll be harder for people to just pick up on it. This fact would also make me feel uncomfortable if I joined a LGBT group in college. I know that those groups are meant to be completely accepting, but I just don't think I'll have much in common. Maybe I'm just picturing the stereotypes, since that's all I've ever seen. I don't know.... I don't really know how to put my feelings quite into the correct words. I don't mean to sound harsh or anything. I just mananged to come out of my depression and I really do not want to go back into it. I know how terrible it can be not being yourself and I want to change, I'm just not sure how. Any advice on how to approach my family or what to do come September?
First off, most people DO lay off on talking about alternate sexualities when they first find out, for a variety of reasons. They don't want to seem ignorant, or feel they need to give you space, or don't want you to think that they think it's a big deal, what have you. Generally, if people say they're accepting and/or supportive, they probably are unless they're specifically and actively saying/doing something to suggest otherwise. As far as "bringing a guy home", keep in mind that right now, you're dealing with a hypothetical. And the biggest factor on how your parents will treat you bring home a guy home is the guy himself. If he's a cool guy, and you get along well with him (and why wouldn't he be - you're dating him), then chances are pretty good that your parents will get along well with him, too. >>>I don't want to be labeled "gay", I just want to be me People fresh from the closet seem to be scared to death of the "gay" label. They're quick to say "I don't want to be perceived as 'gay'" or "I don't believe in labels". But these same people don't seem to have much issue with having other labels placed on them - being male/female, being tall/short, being nerdy/athletic, whatever else. We seem accepting of the fact that these are aspects of our personality - data about ourselves that helps make up our complete, multi-dimensional personality. And yeah, sometimes people make assumptions about us based on just one factoid. "You're male - you love sports". "You're athletic - you don't do well in school." It comes with the territory of people jumping to conclusions. But people tend not to bemoan the fact, and say "I'm not male - I'm ME." They just say "Yeah, I know, most guys love sports, but I don't." It's the same thing for being gay. You're gay. You like guys. And maybe people will think some things about you because of that, both accurate and not. These will mainly be people who don't know you very well. And the right response (as far as I'm concerned) isn't to distance yourself from "the gay label" or "those other gays". It's to not care. Who cares what some stranger thinks of you? If they get to know you, they'll learn which of their preconceived notions (about you being gay, and about being everything else) were accurate and which weren't. If they don't, well, you'll never know, will you? >>>This fact would also make me feel uncomfortable if I joined a LGBT group in college. I know that those groups are meant to be completely accepting, but I just don't think I'll have much in common. If you join a chess club, your commonality is playing chess. If you join the football team, your commonality is playing football. And when you join a LGBT group, your commonality is being gay. That's it. And all that happens there is that you have an area of common interest. It doesn't mean you have to start "acting gay", or watching gay shows, or having your color wheel done. You'll simply have some common ground so you can meet more people with whom you share this commonality. And you'll presumably talk about tons of things, many of which have nothing at all to do with being gay. My main suggestion is this. It seems you're operating on some imperfect data. You don't appear to know anybody gay. So hang out here a while. Read a lot of posts, add your two cents if you'd like. Get to know us a bit more. I'm betting you'll come to recognize that we're a rather varied bunch here. Once you do so, your ideas on "what gays are" and "how gays act" should change enough that I think you'll feel better about your situation. Lex
Thanks for the response Lex! I think most of my random ideas come from being completely unexperienced with all of this. I'm ignorant to what comes with being gay. Like you said, I don't really know that many people that are gay. There are friends of friends that are, but none of my closest friends are, so I don't really have a point of reference to compare any of my feelings to. And so I will continue to hang around here at EC and read what other people think, it is helping. As for the whole label thing, I get what you're saying, but I think my problem stems from my naiveness when it comes to this topic. My main issue that I find with it is that with all the other examples that you provided, those are all considered "normal". And I'm not saying that this is correct statement, I'm just saying that it is a general consensus. Yes people are labeled as straight men, but no one thinks twice about that. But if I told someone that I'm a gay man, it suddenly changes the entire mood. Prejudice is aimed at homosexuality, not heterosexuality. I guess it revolves around a fear of discrimination. I'm a white male. So my entire life I've never had to experience intolerance, but now that I'm starting to come out, there is a possibility. Then, as for the LGBT group, I did sound way off in my original post. I'm just not completely confident yet with my sexuality. I mean, I know I'm gay for sure, I just don't know how to approach the topic with other people. But, I fully intend to attend LGBT group meeting when I go to university. I really want gay friends that I can relate and then still keep straight friends. I want my social life to be as regular as possible, I guess I just don't want to make a deal out of anything. Just more random thoughts......
well, if you like guys, and dating guys, but not girls, you're gay, and the label includes fitness models, athletes, doctors, dentists, teachers, and all kinds of other things, get out and meet some people, we're a REALLY diverse community, and pretty welcoming
Well i just started coming out to some friends and my mom but no one else for other reasons but besides that I think that since I have come out no one really has talked bout it but thats good cuz they dont treat me like just another bi guy they treat me like Dylan and thats the most important thing and its comforting i mean its nice for the questions but the constantly wanting to talk about would be wierd Just be open to people and once they feel comfortable then you will be fine
Wow, I have been having a lot of the same thoughts. I came out to my parents about a month ago and not a word has been spoken about it since. It does freak me out a bit - other people's perception the "gay" me. Part of me knows that it doesn't matter what other people think - I have no control over it. The most important thing is how I think about myself and my own self respect. About the gay label. I used to think the same way until I actually met other gay people. Some and nice, some are mean, some I didn't like right away and others became fast friends! It's nice to have someone to relate to. It's the same as my straight friends except the part that was missing - how I could never relate to their obsession with girls The thing I envy about some of my friends is that they came out early in high school and are so comfortable about it now that they really don't have anything to hide. Me, I'm still a work in progress!
Sometimes it has to be you who has to start up the conversation, I had to sit my parents down again the other day and tell them I was infact gay and not bi and that brought up the conversation to how they felt and everything else. It made me feel better that there was something now said about the whole thing. Continue being your normal self and people will see that the 'gay/bi' you is the only you and the only thing that has changed to them is your sexuality, because most people are assumed as straight upon the first meeting unless some sort of mannerism that is associated with being gay is noticed. I've seen straight people in the past get passed of as being gay, they were just comfortable with their own style/attitude though. Stereotypes are there so people can thoughtlessly assume things about people who they haven't bothered to get to know properly. Being out is not the same as being comfortable, i'm now out and i'm not up to that stage yet where i'm fully comfortable but thats something that is going to take time. I think in todays society people feel the need to get things to feel right straight away, and it leads to bad thoughts when things don't happen that way. Don't be too hard on yourself, its gonna take some time until things get better and that may be sooner or later then you expect.
Thanks, I was just going off of my own experiences. You just have to remember just because 1 person can glide through the coming out process, not everyone else will.
Yeah I guess it was just hopeful thinking that suddenly my life would magically change and everything would be perfect. I now know that I'm going to have to work on this in order to make progress. I also have a similar problem like you explained Giorria. I told my family that I was bi, but I'm not really sure if that's the truth. For me, it's kind of difficult because I would probably say that I'm 80% gay and 20% straight. So technically I'm bi, but I'm still way more attracted to guys than I am girls. Plus, I have girlfriend, which makes things even more difficult, but I'm sure I'll somehow manage to sort things out. Thanks for all the help guys!
Just be honest with everyone. You don't have to know everything for sure--you can just tell them the truth about what you think at the time.
I think it would be better to just wait until I have more things figured out. I don't want to keep telling my family different things and then having to explain everything all over again when I find out something new about myself.
im not sure what others have said (dont have a lot of time have to go soon) but i'd say this 1) It will take time for your parents to adjust and since you are dating a girl it is very possible they think it is just a phase or something 2) If you are bi and feel comfortable saying you are bi then go ahead and do that. If people go "why do you always end up with guys more?" you can say "because i like guys more than girls." 3) Your fear that you won't have anything in common with people in a GSA is ignorant and i'm not saying it to be mean if anything it's people like me who are in groups like that who have the right to be offended. I know where you are we all have that moment where we go "i'm not your average gay and i'm not a stereotype" and the fact is that no one is the average gay or the stereotype, in most cases people are far from it in a lot of ways. People in GSA's and organizations like that are just like you and all different. If anything i'd say i've seen far less "stereotypical" gay people in GSA's. Groups like that are a great way to meet people, be out, and be active and supportive in the LGBT community. 4) If you feel your mom is being weird about it confront her about your concerns. Say "why are you acting funny?" or "why do you always seem uncomfortable when i talk about this stuff?" or whatever you see her doing next time you bring it up. Better to clear the air now than when you bring a boy home. my 2 cents
