Morning, So here we go, I'll dive in quickly into the oh so exciting details. I'm 37, married to a great wife (been together for 17 years, married 10), have 2 kids who are 3 and 6, have a couple of goldens and a fantastic job. Eveything sounds perfect (and was so) until 18 months or so ago when I started to question which sex turned me on. To make it even more interesting, I've fallen head over heals for this new guy in the office who is out, but who is also in a long term relationship (he's a few years younger than me). We get along great, do lunches, drinks after work and have a great time together. This part certainly started out innocently enough, but it has really caused me to think even more about what it is I need in my life to make me happy (and for the record, I've never been with anyone other than my wife). I am emotionally torn, why didn't all of these feeling crop up 20 years ago? (would have been MUCH easier!) I've never been with a guy, so how could I possibly throw this all away to find out that I don't like it (but I'm sure I would!). The incredible amount of pain that I would cause my wife and family is too much to bear, but also living in my current state is also emotionally draining on myself too - how I could do this for another 50 years! What about my friends. We've been together for so long that all of my friends and her friends and vice-versa. At work its a small office of 30 people of which 10 of them I've worked with for 12-15 years. Are they going to feel deceived? Have I be secretly deceiving myself all these years and didn't know it? The fact that its a small office would also probably make it almost impossible to have a relationship with the other guy as well as I'd be concerned about the impact on our careers (we are both sr. executives). Would my office friend be totally weirded out by all of this and would his impression of me change? (cause that would suck!) Do I risk a future of being alone if I loose everything? Pretty much the whole issue scares the living crap out of me! Do I turn everyones life upside down with this, or continue as is? But as I type this, I also realize that how can I continue as is when thats not being fair to my wife, kids or myself? ahhhhhh........ (help!)..... Stressed in Atlanta
Hi there, and first thing, welcome to EC I am sure that this is a very stressful situation to live, but first, take a deep breath. You don't have to sort out everything at the same time, let alone coming out immediatly to you wife and family. Coming out is not a race and you certainly don't have to do it before feeling ready and confident enought in your orientation to do it. Some people do realize only later in life that they are attracted to the same gender, and that's ok. Sure this is not an ideal situation, but other people have been dealing with this before you, that is the case of several members on EC and they're going to be able to help you in your journey. So I encourage you to stick around and make yourself at home. EC is a great place to provide moral support and help, whatever the issues are. By the way, I'm Cécile and I am currently one of the advisors on EC. You're welcome to PM any of us, any time. Take care , (*hug*) Cécile
I think you could definitely use help from PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) as well. I'm hoping it's okay to post this, I don't see why not. But here's the website for PFLAG Atlanta. http://www.pflagatl.org/ It has a lot of things I think that could help you; readings, contact info, etc. so I hope it does help. And like Eleanor said, we're also here to help you through this.
Welcome to EC, (That Cecile girl...She's a smart girl) Like Cecile said there are many members on EC who went through what you did. Older married people who went through the whole coming out to a wife--And the best part is...They are still around to post on EC today. Haha! Sorry, I tend to make alot of jokes. I think that Cecile is also right that right now you are looking at the entire picture when really coming out is more of a collage. Try to just look at the single image, take it one step at a time. The good thing about having a gay friend is that you can also confide yourself into him for REAL life support. Don't admit to any physical feelings you have for him but I think you should try coming out to him. Even if it's a "Maybe I'm gay" kind of coming out. ... If you can come out to yourself, then start trying to build a support group. Welcome to EC and I hope this all works out for you. I'm not an EC advisor but I am still readily available to help you.
I would suggest private counseling so that you could talk to someone about this in depth in a safe environment where you do not have to worry about being judged or exposed. With us knowing very little about you besides what you give us, I think it is going to be difficult for you to receive much useful advice over the internet. That being said I have just a little advice for the moment. You are currently confused and in a long term relationship and have a commitment to your wife and children. This guy at work you like is also in a long term relationship and we have no reason to believe that he and his partner are not happy together. Until you have a better idea of where exactly you are, I suggest pulling back and letting anything between the two of you cool off. It would be awful to hurt you, your family, and this guy and his partner because you are confused about what you want. Find a good counselor and work with him or her to try and understand what is going on in your life. I can't imagine how stressful this must be for you, so know that you have my best wishes. (*hug*)
Welcome BooYaa to EC. I'm can relate to your situation. I've been married 16 yrs w/ 2kids and came out to my wife in Jan and kids in Feb. So I kinda know what you're going through, all the self doubt, the rehashing of your history trying to pick out the 'gay signs', the worry and fear of the future, of making a mistake and realizing you might not be gay. I get it. I think that Kevins advice is really good. Step back from your co-worker. Your feelings for him will just muddy the waters for you. Plus if he's in a LTR, you made end up making his life awkward (at the very least). Try to assess your feelings if he weren't in the picture. Is he the only guy you are attracted too, or are there others? Are you finding yourself looking at gay porn more, fantasizing more about men then women? These are things that you can use to judge for yourself whether you're gay. Its what i used to finally come out to myself. Post me on my wall if you want to talk further.
Welcome to EC. I'm also one of these married older people who came out late in life. I had many of the same questions and fears. The best advice I got was to find a therapist to talk to. I questioned the advice but went to one anyway. My therapist has helped me to relax about the whole thing and she has guided me and my wife as I came out to the family and our friends. Talking to someone at this stage might be very helpful. It sounds like you've got a lot of questions and fears. I did too. I started my process about 18 months ago and I'm totally amazed at how well it has gone.
Thanks for the comments and thoughts. This certainly isn't a race and I do like the analogy of looking at this as a collage. Now deciding which pieces to look at first may be a little tricky! (especially with the co-worker around - hahaha- kidding). I figure I'll need some humour in all of this to get through it all! Deep down I know that nothing can come of a relationship between the co-worker and myself. I hate to say it, but he is already at a disadvantage due to his 'status' in the office (which is totally not right since he is a great guy and does a fantastic job - some people are just ignorant). If anything did happen with us and it was out in the office, I can't image what would happen in the office (and yes, a BIG part of me thinks, who flippin cares, its our lives if that is what we decided to do!). Regardless, I have to come to accept that he will be a close friend that can be an integral part of my support network as I move down this path. In fact, I have actually met his other half (he's a good guy too) and I'm sure that both of them would be there to help out. In looking at my own family, my wife is supposed to be my closest friend, my confident, the one who i can tell anything. Part of the me thinks that if we were to separate for some time so I can figure this out that it would be deceitful to not tell her whats going on in my head first, but on the other hand, I'm still not 100% sure. She does know that I've been really stressed lately and has asked if I'm happy. Maybe yakking this through with a professional would help shed some light on this and whats really going on in my pointy little head! Any more thoughts would be helpful! Booyaa....
Seeking a therapist is an excellent idea for getting your thoughts sorted out in that "pointy little head" of yours. If you truly feel like you should tell your wife, although this is probobly going to be the hardest part about coming out (next to your parents), you could at least be honest to the point of her where lately you'e been "lacking clarity" in what you want to do with your life. This excuse could also help you explain why you need a therapist to your wife. And I'm glad you've decided to accept your friend as a part of your support group. If there is anything a gay man needs it's the non-sexual gay friend to help them along. Also keep up the humour. I use that as a strategy too and by GOLLY it helps me through the tough bits. Also if you haven't already, seek out some of the other married-to a girl/but I'm gay members of EC as believe me you aren't certainly the only one. How aboot I'll say this, step 1) is finding your support group
Hahaha - you crazy Canadiens with your Tims and milk in bags (no platic jugs up there?). Its been a bit of a tipsy-turvey week so far for me. One minute the co-worker goes by and I'm like (!), the next minute I'm like :bang: what am I thinking! Still taking deep breaths and trying to slowly back away so I can think about this objectively. Certainly isnt easy and is going to take some time....... Having a Red Brick Pale Ale in Atanta!
Well its been almost 3 weeks since my first post. Not a whole lot has changed - still just as confused as ever. Am I? Could I be? Why now? He likes me? He doesnt like me? Shold we hang out more so I can find out? Did he make a pass at me? Is he just friendly in a 'gay' kind of way? Is there such a thing as a 'gay' kind of way? Am I a spaz for thinking there is such a 'gay' kind of way? Does he email others in the office like this? Would I like it if I was? ahhhhhhhhhhhh So really nothing has been accomplished - just plodding through life, not sleeping, little moody (sometimes a lot) and wishing there'd be a huge sign in life to point me in the right direction!
Sexuality is fluid. I know I'm gay. No doubt about it. There are instances where I go through a phase where first I'm not attracted to anyone, then I'm attracted to women for a week or so. Then the Gay inside of me wakes up and I need manwhiches, lots and lots of manwhiches. Just a thought but maybe you've hit a type of sexual fluidity? When I came to grips with my sexuality I had to ask myself these types of questions (molded to you're situation). 1) Is this all of a sudden? Or have these attractions been on or off in your life? Or have you had a constant attraction to men? 2) Is this more of an emotional or sexual attraction or both? 3) Are you still attracted to you're wife emotionally? physically? On another note don't worry about what everyone else thinks. This should only be between your wife and yourself. The more eyes you pile on and think about the cloudier the situation will become and you'll have a hard time coming to a conclusion. Use lots of resources and I hope everything works out for the best.
Sexuality is fluid. I know I'm gay. No doubt about it. There are instances where I go through a phase where first I'm not attracted to anyone, then I'm attracted to women for a week or so. Then the Gay inside of me wakes up and I need manwhiches, lots and lots of manwhiches. Just a thought but maybe you've hit a type of sexual fluidity? When I came to grips with my sexuality I had to ask myself these types of questions (molded to you're situation). 1) Is this all of a sudden? Or have these attractions been on or off in your life? Or have you had a constant attraction to men? 2) Is this more of an emotional or sexual attraction or both? 3) Are you still attracted to you're wife emotionally? physically? On another note don't worry about what everyone else thinks. This should only be between your wife and yourself. The more eyes you pile on and think about the cloudier the situation will become and you'll have a hard time coming to a conclusion. Use lots of resources and I hope everything works out for the best.
Hi BooYaa, Yup, I'm another one 37, married for 17 1/2 years, 13 yr old daughter... and just figuring it out. (And another Canadian too, eh?) I have found this site really helpful for support & clarification. My suggestion would be to start with telling a few people you know will be supportive (like here, and your office friend along with his partner- because you don't want to risk messing up that relationship), then move on to those who are directly affected (wife & kids). Not until you are sure of yourself though. After that I tend to think it's a matter of relevance...
I think there's a lot at play that makes it more complicated for you that just "Am I or am I not". First, I'll tell you that it isn't as uncommon as you'd think to go through your life until your 30s or 40s or even later before figuring out that you're gay. I know a lot of guys knew when they were 3 or 5 or 10... but plenty of others, like myself, were utterly clueless for many years. But I suspect part of what might be making it difficult for you to accept that you're gay (if, in fact you are) is the "how could I have not known earlier." And the answer to that is... our unconscious can do absolutely amazing things to allow us to stay in denial at a very deep unconscious level. Second... you're talking about a decision that has huge ramifications for you, for your wife, for those around you... so it's no wonder that you would be feeling a combination of anxiety, abject fear, confusion... and perhaps some denial or avoidance. That's all normal. Third, you're going through a process of understanding what could be a really major change for yourself... the loss of your identity as a straight man. Whenever we confront any significant loss, we tend to do so in 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, grief, acceptance. They aren't always sequential, and some people rip through all of them in 10 minutes and some take years (but most are closer to 10 minutes than 10 years.) So when you're in the "bargaining" phase (which you might be in now), there's lots of "Well, maybe it's just a phase"... "Well, maybe this isn't really how I feel"... "Well, maybe I can go back to how I was"... "Well maybe it's guys AND girls"... "Well, maybe I just feel some physical attraction but I'm not really gay"... or any of a thousand other rationalizations/justifications. So if any of the above resonates with you, then just take some time and relax and let yourself be with it. If you want to get some clarification, you can look at your behaviors and ask yourself some honest questions -- Do you think of guys or girls, or both, more often when you masturbate? -- Do you look at straight porn or gay porn more? If straight, are you looking at the guys or the girls? -- When you're walking around on the street or in a public place, do your eyes follow guys, or girls more often? If you answer those questions honestly, without trying to rationalize, explain, or justify your answers, you should have a much clearer picture of what's going on. If you find that in most or all cases, you're looking at, thinking about, masturbating to guys... then you're pretty certain to be gay, or at least, closer to gay than straight. If you find that you are more attracted to men than to women, I would suggest that you be honest with your wife. Even though it might be painful, better to tell her now if you're going to temporarily separate, than have her find out accidentally through the grapevine or whatever that you're hanging with guys. And in spite of how careful you are, secrets have a way of leaking out, so better to just be honest in the first place. Also, I'll mention the book that I'm always plugging here... it's called "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to find Real Love" by Joe Kort. And it's horribly mistitled. The book is probably the best book I've read in 20+ years on understanding yourself and how you approach relationships. It has several chapters relating to gay men who find themselves married to women and dealing with coming out later in life. But there's lots more in there that will make you think and help you understand yourself better. I strongly recommend it. The regular edition is out of print, but the "large type" edition is available at Amazon, and you can sometimes find used copies at bookfinder.com. Keep us updated, and if you decide you're ready to come out to your wife, there are a number of people here who have done that and can offer you insights and suggestions about doing so.
Hi there. I'm late to the party, but always willing to share my story. I've "been there and done that" so if you look through some of the threads I've started you'll learn more about my story. Get a therapist. Mine likely saved my life. I was completely lost and confused and down on myself, and had developed an addiction to help me 'cope'. I was a mess. But 4.5 years after coming out to my wife, I'm now engaged to be married to the most wonderful guy. I've never been happier, and couldn't have ever imagined that I would get to this place 4.5 years ago. So there's definitely hope for you, and your family. My ex wife is also remarried, and my daughters don't appear to be suffering at all from the disruption in their lives. The other point I'll make, because I 'suffered' from this as well, is that the first 'crush' you have when coming out to yourself can be really overwhelming. The emotions that you're feeling are quite possibly totally different from anything you've ever felt before. It's like you're a crazy hormonal teenager again! (No offense to the crazy hormonal teenagers here! :icon_wink) So while it will be hard, you really need to keep your feelings for your coworker in check. He's your 'first' and as a result you're probably not quite in your right mind. The fact that you've not strayed while in your marriage is important and honourable. Your conversation with your wife, if and when you ultimately have it, will be much easier if you don't have to divulge any indiscretions. I'd strongly recommend that you keep it that way. You don't need to have sex with a man to know if you'd like having sex with a man. (I gather that you're already pretty sure - there is NOT a need to prove it.) Coming here and sharing what you're thinking and feeling is the right thing to do. You aren't alone. You aren't the first person to have walked this path, and you won't be the last. Good luck! (*hug*)
