Over the last three and a half days, I attended a conference representing the organization I work for. The conference happened to take place in a city where a friend of mine lives to which he moved to a couple of years ago. Before arriving, I let him know that I will be in town. I thought it would be nice to catch up a bit and we agreed that we would get together for coffee on one of the days. I let him know the conference schedule and the times I could get together for coffee in the evenings. I should say though that prior to seeing each other, we hardly communicated nor saw each other over the last couple of years. But before he moved, we did talk from time to time and did meet up once or twice. Once I arrived on Wednesday, I messaged him and let him know that I'm in town, and that I would still be up to get together for coffee on Thursday (the original day we agreed upon). He messaged me back and let me know that he had to change his schedule and could meet me earlier. So we decided to meet up on Wednesday, which also happened to be the day on which I had the most time available in the evening. He messaged me and indicated that he would be up for 'coffee, supper, or whatever.' I messaged him back saying that I would be up for it. A couple of minutes later he messaged me again saying that because of concerns with allergies he would prefer to eat at home and asked me if I would mind eating at the conference site. I was fine with it and thought it's not a problem. When we got together, the first thing he mentioned was that he didn't have dinner and asked me as to what I wanted to do. I responded by saying that we could have a coffee first. So we went to a nearby coffee shop and spent about 2 hours chatting and starting to catch up. After that, we started walking, and he started to point out different places where we could potentially eat. We ended up at one of his favorite Sushi places in town. This being the first time for me to try different varieties of uncooked dishes, he explained to me the whole menu and even showed me how to use my chopsticks properly, while I had them in my hands. After 2.5 hours of talking about everything from politics, to languages and their histories, to ourselves, and eating, we started heading back to my hotel. Once we got to the entrance, we kept talking for another 1.5 hours or so. Throughout the talking we never had one moment of an odd silence or break. Before we said our goodbyes he asked me if I would like to get together again on Friday evening. I agreed, and I said "I would love to," which I probably should not have said. :bang:. After that, he gave me a firm hug. This came as a surprise to me. I actually extended my hand because I know that he doesn't really like to be hugged, or at least is not a fan of it. He looked at my extended hand oddly and just gave me a hug, and it wasn't just a pad on my back either. He asked again if we would get together on Friday. So, Friday comes and he picked me up at around 9pm. We started walking and he suggested that we could go to the sea wall and the park. Once we started to walk along the sea wall we stopped on occasion and started having silent moments in the conversation. They were only broken either with him suggesting to keep walking or by me asking him a question, picking up on something he had mentioned. We started to talk a lot more about ourselves. Once we came to the end of the sea wall, we stood there and kept on talking about ourselves. I don't know for how long we stood there and talked but it got to the point where we started getting pretty cold and he asked if we could go where it is warmer. We ended up at a coffee shop again and talked until they closed. Once again he walked with me back to the hotel. Once there, and because it was rainy we decided to go in and I asked him if he would like to come up to my room because we were still talking and having a good time. He agreed. So, we talked for another hour. Now before he left, he gave me another hug and again he initiated it. Although I already mentioned during the course the of the evening that I would leave Saturday afternoon, he asked me when was I planning on leaving. I mentioned it again and after that we said our goodbyes. However, the events and the way things started to shape up didn't leave me anymore, and I started to think about as to what happened. I already had (after Wednesday) a sense that it was more than "just" a coffee get together. The more I thought about things the more I realized that we actually started to get to know each other in a way that we never really did before. On Saturday morning, for some reason, I kept on thinking about the two evenings and also about the fact that he asked me when I would be leaving. I decided to message him and asked him if he would like to get together in the evening, and that staying another night in the city would not be a problem. I also wrote that I had a great time, and that I would like to get to know him better. I thought and still think it would be nice to get to know him better. He is an interesting person and talking with him is a lot of fun. However, he never messaged me back, so I decided to take the bus that I originally wanted to catch after the conference was done. Now I am wondering if it was a mistake to have sent that message. Did I ruin the potential for a more meaningful friendship? I'm not sure what to do next. Should I just leave it? As much as I like to believe in taking chances and things happen for a reason, a part of me feels that I keep missing the cues and right moments in terms of when to say something and when not to. Maybe I am just not cut out for that sort of thing....
I think the attraction there was definitely genuine, however, you missed the opportunity as he was able to cool down later and evaluate the feasibility of the situation more emotionlessly, and decided that it was not what he wanted to get into.
In my experience, nobody ruins anything with one single text message (except if the text is insulting, of if it does intend to ruin things of course). I suggest you to send him an e-mail in a few days saying it was really nice to see him during your stay in his town, that you appreciated that you learned a bit more about each other, and that you hope you'll be able to renew the experience if you're having the occasion. That would leave the door open to several option, from eventualy catching up with each other next time you'll have the opportunity, to following your conversation through e-mails and create yourself the opportunity to see each other again. Take care (*hug*) (and don't overanalyse ) Love, Cécile
Don't Over Analyze That's some great advice my friend! Who knows why he did not text you back. IF you both were having a good time then what reason does he really have to not want to respond to you. Maybe his phone broke, or maybe he just did not have time to see your textmessage. In our own ill-confidence we can often assume the worst in any situation, as the perils of life sometimes do this to us. However, I suggest trying to keep in contact with him still--through e-mail, or through text. Tell him you enjoyed his company and would consider him a great friend, and if you know he is gay, then maybe you feel ready to try something a little more?
I don't think you made a mistake. Its sounds like you guys have a connection. He might just need time to sort out his feelings. A couple of things you may want to think about is are you ready for any type of long distance relationship? Do you think you guys can see each other anytime soon? I would wait a few days then send him an email and tell him that it was good to see him and you enjoyed the time together. I would not over analyze it. I know its hard to do.
It sounds like you did the right thing. His actions could've been interpreted a few different ways, and the best way to find out which one was the correct one is to get more data. You could've asked him directly, but most people are reluctant to talk about such things head-on. So you chose another route - you did a bit of fishing. You offered to hang out again. And he didn't take the bait. This of course doesn't "solve" the mystery - things are perhaps even murkier than they were before. But whatever the case, you certainly didn't do anything wrong. Unless you made some sort of heavy play for him in the last text to him ("Maybe we can spend the WHOLE TIME in my hotel room!"), you didn't stick your neck out all by offering to stay longer. As suggested above, don't over-analyze. You still don't have all the facts (or even very many of them), so don't bother building theories until you get more. Lex
Thanks everyone! Ed, I don't know. That said, if it would come ever to that point, I would be willing to give it a try. The city isn't all that far and it would be doable. I will e-mail him in the coming days then and see what happens. In some ways, all of it caught be a bit by surprise as I was just aiming for a coffee but I got a bit more than that. I will try my best not to over-analyze it anymore.
Yeah your ok and you did the right thing just send him an email as suggested and continue with whatever kind of relationship you guys are supposed to have
Well, it's four days later and he hasn't responded yet. A part of me hopes that he still will respond though. The more I think about these two evenings, the more I feel I did miss an opportunity if not a couple of opportunities. I guess history keeps repeating itself. I talked with a couple of friends earlier today, and I mentioned to them that he does have his birthday day coming up on Monday. They both suggested that it would be a good opportunity to give him a call and start talking to him. If the conversation goes well, I thought of mentioning to him that I'm planning on coming to the city where he lives over the weekend, and see if he wants to get together. For some reason just leaving it like that doesn't sit well with me. I feel I've reached a point where I'm ready to take a risk....
I don't think you did anything wrong. I don't recall if you said whether he knows you're gay or if you know whether he is. I hope he responds in a positive way. Maybe he doesn't check email much. I hope things turn out well, but at the very least you're taking a chance and that's a good thing
We both know about each other. We met at a LGBT office. Well, he does check his messages, although the first time I e-mailed him it took him a week to respond.... Thanks.
