Need Advice

#1 - Life is good - death is bad.
#2 - Things may seem impossible - but they will get better.
#3 - Nothing is worth ending a life.

OK - you're 16. Your family aren't receptive to you being gay. Your friends are unsure of how to react. That's tough.

I'm close to 40 years older than you. Let me tell you that life is precious. Life is to be lived. Life might not start (for you) till you can find some independence and acceptance. OK - be patient.

That might be hard - but believe me it WILL be worthwhile if you stick it out and find somewhere you can happy. Plan what you want to do - where you want to be - and work toward that. Things will get better when you are in control of your own destiny. Work toward that and look to the future - and good luck. Don't despair - hang in there and get what YOU want.

 

I hear ya, Wolfe. It's hard to strive for anything when you don't even know what you want, and loneliness sucks.

When I get really down -- and it almost always has to do w/ being gay and my perception of myself -- I try to think of all the other people in the same bind that I'm in. It just kills me to think that there are people out there who are ashamed of themselves for something that's so... nothing. And so I tell myself to get through it and to live openly, if not for my own sake, then for the sake of all the others out there who, in the future, might be able to accept themselves if the people before them (i.e. me) would be just a little brave and pave the way.

It sucks that your friends sort of faded out of the picture, but rest assured that the world is full of beautiful people who are open-minded and kind-hearted. Thinking of them -- and of the possibility of becoming just such a person -- helps me feel more positive sometimes.

 

I am 18 and I am going through the same situation. What I do to cope with my depression is talk about it. I'm seeing a counsellor and she's great. I don't know what I would do without her. Maybe counselling is an option you can look into?

Suicide isn't the way to go. I used to be suicidal but life is precious.

You have to hang on, for me, because I'm in the same boat as you. And we have to hold on ,together, and make the best of things. I'm at a low at this moment but I'm keeping my chin up. Good luck.

Your family will love you no matter what. They need to accept you for who you are and they will realize you're you no matter what.

 

I used to be really depressed, but then I befriended another gay person. He would give me wonderful advice based on his own experiences. My advice, then, is to find a friend to confide in.

 

I think a lot of people don't realise that you have to find a counsellor who's actually a good "fit" for who you are. Not just any random counsellor is going to be able to help you out. It's a bit like looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend, although I think it's a bit easier than that. *grin*

Anyway, if your counsellor isn't really helping all that much, see if you can get referred to a different one if possible. That's a totally reasonable request but it definitely took me a while to realise that there wasn't something wrong with me just because a counsellor wasn't helping out.

 

Have you told your counsellor that you are gay? That may seem a silly question but there are cases where people in your sort of position will be referred to a counsellor and will not mention that one piece of information, wich makes the whole execrise a waste of time.

If you did, how did he react? Has he accepted it and is working with it, or is he taking the "it's only a phase" route or just ignoring the whole issue? If he isn't accepting and working with the facts then maybe you do need to ask to be referred to someone else, as Joey suggested.

I don't know where you are in the world (thouh from post times I'm guessing USA). Are there any gay support groups in your area - even within your state - that you could call?

Have a quick look at http://gayboysupport.nl/. They have some stuff on depression and suicide there, though I don't know how useful it is.

Oops - I've gotta go to work now.......

 

Another thing I wanted to say is that although I think it's well-meaning, a lot of the responses that are very "life is wonderful," "you can do it!" "don't give up--it's not worth your life" are, to me, counterproductive because they can be guilt-inducing. What I mean is, if you feel crappy about life to the point where suicide is an option, having a bunch of people tell you not to feel that way is pretty useless--when you're that depressed, you can't just flick a switch and go "oh, I understand now that I shouldn't waste my life because I just blindly trust that things will get better!" I think there's a lot of pressure on people who are not feeling optimistic about life to the point where they can easily end up feeling like there's something wrong with them for feeling the way they do.

And hey, maybe there is something wrong with feeling that crappy (I mean, that it's indicative of something biochemically out of whack) but maybe it's just that life is hard and can often suck and some of us don't have the wherewithal or the support to see the silver lining. In my own case, I spent the last four or five years feeling like my life was going nowhere and being pretty upset about it but not feeling like I could do anything about it--and then on top of that I was upset at myself for being unhappy because I know damn well I'm ridiculously privileged compared to most people. And in a relative sense, yeah, maybe it's wallowing in self-pity to feel bad about my fairly affluent, white, privileged life--but feeling guilty about it and beating myself up about it didn't really help me deal with the underlying problem.

So I guess what I'm saying is that if you can avoid getting angry at yourself for the way you feel, that will probably go miles in terms of helping you deal with your feelings. Don't be afraid to admit you feel bad or helpless or miserable. Just try to keep it in perspective--losing perspective is really easy when you're depressed.

I hope you can find some help with your feelings and that you realise there are a bunch of people here who are willing to listen to you if you need to talk. In the interim, I think it's great that you're seeing a counsellor, even if it's not helping too much so far, because I know how "seeing someone" can be a huge, huge step to take and it's impressive that you're at that stage.

 

:bang: :bang:

Hi Wolfe,

I think some people here have given you some very fine advice, but maybe this little add on might be of assistance. In many secondary schools (high school) you have the head counselor, School Psychologist, your own counselor and someont people often miss the school nurse. Most head counselors are busy with runnin their departments and most School Psychologist are quite involved in the testing of students for many different programs etc. You might want to check to see if you can set up an appoint with the School Psychologist to discuss your situation as she may have available to here some possible places for referrals, with regards to counseling and or finding an advisor. Your school counselor may be able to do some counseling also depending up the work load and responsibilities they have. But the person who often can be the most helpful to you is the school nurse. She is usually called the "gate keeper." Anything you say to her is confidential. Try and make an appointment to see her, because he will a vast number of all sorts of referral to help you try and get assistance for yourself, The referrals can be private via many organizations interested in young adults your age, city & county services, programs through hospitals and even near by colleges or universities.

And another person you might see out for assistance is your own family doctor. This person knows you and your family and they too have a vast number of resources/referral that they might be able to guide you to in getting the assistance you seem to feel you want and that things you have said here indicate your need for such assistance. That is confidential between you and the dr. - you check about that so you can feel free to talk with him and or her.

Whether your parents would be willing to take this next step depends upon where they work. Some insurance plans for employees have benefits for counseling for themselves and or their children. And if you can talk with mom and or day regarding this possibility it might be very worthwhile to you.

You are reaching an age where you need to advocate = or push, work for, yourself. More things are becoming your responsibility and in you trying to get some type of assistance or counselling you have already taken the first major step of "advocating for yourself." You recognize and know there are importand and serious problems you are having - you have admitted that to yourself - and just by doing that one step - you are way ahead in trying to get the help you want and our asking for.

Another member here metioned the use of medications. Via your own dr. or another dr. you might be working with, there are numerous types of medications which are out there - not to punish you - but to help and assist you in a vairiety of ways. We here about some in the news, but it is your own dr. who can best determine in any of these medications just might be the very thing you need. Don't forget and you know it yourself, your own body and mind are going through massive changes right now, and possibly some help with some of the chemical changes taking place might be of great value to you personally.

I think you have done a superb job by coming to this forum with the issues you have and have spoken so openly with people and here again, you have demonstrated you want to try and get the help you feel you need to work through these various issues about yourself and between you and your parents. Having one very important close friendship can be of so much value to you that don;t leave that piece out of the puzzle. You should feel very proud of yourself for having come to this forum and have posted what you have. Well done.

michaelf
(adult):smilewave

 

Well the depression an anxiety, definitely aren't uncommon among teens, espicially gay teens as well ALL know...everyone goes though that little phase of isolation/depression etc. and i'm not going to be the understatement master when i say (as EVERYONE i'm sure has already told you) it does get better....trust me....i'm currently in an extreme high after just coming out of my LIFE's WORST low...attempted suicide after attemped suicide after attempted suicide (you get the point)....but, i know firsthand that whenever life's a b*tch (am i allowed to say that here? extremely sorry if not, and it's not like any of us hasn't heard it) she has to give you something back...life's all about balance...she'll throw something into the mix to make up for everything....all you have to do is be alive to expierence it ...as for the "no friends" thing...that uuber sucks...but as i said, it's only in the dark of night that we can see the stars that will lead us home...it always is worse before it gets better...roll your eyes and disbelieve every word i'm saying if you want...but in the end it's all 100% true...as for the "friend" that stopped talking to you in august...well he or she isn't your friend...friendship is something nothing can come between...and if something as small as being gay (which it is, it's just society that blows it out of proportion) comes between what you guys had..than she's doesn't deserve you as a friend...trust me, you'll find two more in no time...just gotta get out there and live a little...and screw your dad...if you love him, than you are truely a saint...because my dad....is the exact same way....homophobe...i just learn to care for only those you wish to support me...all the others...they wash away at you... change you, and make you into something that you're not....re-create you in their own image to make them feel better about who they are...I am just grateful for the people in my life who let me be who I am.

Honestly....spend just one night on the weekend...sit in your room....put on your favorite inspirational song in the background...and just think about what you want...and if coming out gives you that...ask yourself are you sure this is who you are (stupid but not unimportant question)...ask yourself are you ready...look at the bad too...because as sucky as it is...i have to be realistic...i cant send you out to do something like this and have you be surprised by the worst...we have to take the good and the bad...but learn to shrugg off any jerks that'll try and change you...just remember...it's your life...and those jerks, wont be in your life in 10 years time...after high school, you might not ever see them again...they dont matter, but the people who accept you, and still love you...you'll know each other in 10 years....they'll still be with you...wanna hear a story....my aunt used to be pushed around like us in school...she knew this real b*tch that had great hair, great clothes, skinny etc. that used to push her down stairs an such...you know what...this is 13 years later, my aunt works as a tax minister...that b*tch walked into her office the other day, this big tub of lard, fat as a cow living on welfare and all alone...no friends or anything...my aunt felt slightly sorry for her even tho those years of torture...but it goes to show...that if you just hang in there....and love even those who hate you...you're life will get better , no amazing...and those who don', the ones who try and tear you down...they'll have nothing....they will be nothing to you...schools these days are soo creul because of the children that inhabit it...from here on out...things only get better....i just recently came out to my best guy friend who is straight and i thought would hate me if he knew i was gay....he turned out to be one of the most accepting people i've told...you only get one shot at life.....dont quit before it even starts...your 16...you got like 70 years of beautiful life ahead of you...do you honestly think that these assholes (sorry for the language but we're all mature young adults here who have w/o a doubt heard worse, and i get really angry when i hear about jerks making life soo hard for such great people enough to make them suicidal) will still be in your life for the next 70 or even 5 years?!...no...only one shot...but many choices....you dont have to come out....but honestly...if it keeps you alive....if it makes you feel better to just have it all out there...then go for it....it's better for you to come out then kill yourself...we're are all here for you...and no matter what you decide....we will still be here for you...whenever you will need us...we'll be your support...much love and blessed be...

PS:if you want to talk more i have no problem with you (or anyone else) adding me to [email protected]

 

Hey again,

One of the harder lessons I've had to learn in my life was that if I wanted something to happen in my life, I had to work towards it myself. What I'm trying to say is that you can look at life two ways: either it's something you make happen or it's something that happens to you. And sometimes there's no denying that life just happens and all you can do is try to survive. But I think it's really important not to forget that you have some say in the way your life goes--it's not totally random and we're never totally powerless. I guess the worst thing about depression is that it makes us feel like there's no point, which sounds like where you are. I think that ultimately we have to make our own point... we kinda have to give meaning to our own lives because no one's going to do it for us. It's sort of like a very optimistic existential view of life but then I've always been pretty optimistic.

Another thing that I think helps is to try to remind yourself you're worth it. I think it's easy to feel like we don't deserve good things or stuff... but the question I always try to fight that back with is: Why not? Why shouldn't I have a good life?

Don't know if any of that is helpful but, well, hopefully...

 

this is short but i hope it offers comfort. when your 18 your off to university. go somewhere like london. big gay scene and a fresh new start. pretty much everyone there will accept you. just hold on another 1 and half years. you know you can do it, i know you can do it. xx

 

Part of the problem I think is that at your age parents think it's "just a phase" and don't take it seriously. You know it isn't a phase. You know it is how you are and how you have always been. You have spent probably the last two or three years accepting it yourself. When you told your parents you expected and hoped for some sort of support and acceptance, but all you got was non-belief and denial. And your friends just rejected you - which shows what sort of friends they really were.

You mentioned that you live in the middle of nowhere. How far are you from a decent sized town or city? Preferably one with some sort of gay scene or youth support group etc. I don't know which country you are in, though I'm guessing at the USA since you used the term "Freshman". What age would you leave school and go on to work or further education?

What I'm thinking is along the lines of Lloyd's suggestion. What you need is a fresh start somewhere far enough away from your parents and old friends that they don't know what you're up to. Maybe what you need is to get through school with enough qualifications to get a college place somewhere away from home.

So what you have to look forward to is a future somewhere closer to civilisation and away from your family, where you can meet other gay people and start to be yourself.

I'm going to sound like a stuffy adult now, but getting through school with some qualifications will really help. It'll help you get a decent college placement or a better job, either of which should help in your aim of esaping from the middle of nowhere. So maybe putting all your efforts into your studies now, knowing that they are your ticket out of that place, is the way forward?

 

I posted about this here: http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?p=4572#post4572