Just over a week ago on Friday I had my first date with a guy and it seemed clear to both of us that we really got along incredibly well. He made it overly clear that he wanted to see me again. I was very slow with any affection at all and only made out with him when in my car, moments from him exiting, when he told me (literally) that if I wanted to do something, it had to be now (before he left). In this making out, these signs were offered: 1. Stopped me and said he doesn't want to hurt me but I have to know he has other dates planned. He has plans that he isn't breaking. 2. Even though we were in public and he was a door handle away from exiting, he made the point of saying we should keep this above the belt for a while--with me thinking to myself lol because I didn't touch him until this when he sort of told me to. 3. He said he wants to take this very slowly. 4. He complained that he really didn't want to leave and the making out basically went from this one event to stop-and-start multiple events as we had some chit chat in between but he, perhaps, "couldn't keep his thoughts off of me." All this after a week of casual chatting online, with both of us initiating conversation. Following the date, he only initiated talks one time (but it was a "wow he cares about me" reason for doing so). I have chatted with him, called, left voicemail, texted. Almost every case he returns my message very happily. I've asked if I'm bothering him, etc., he always says no you're not or you're fine. One time he had to go but he said we will chat later. He seemed to try to set up a second date, but I had a busy week so I basically put that on hold. Then I tried twice but both times he said essentially he is busy for the next several days. It feels like he is giving me the impression that he really likes me and wants to see me again but at the same time he is actively, and it feels aggressively at times, pushing me away from any interaction. I'm still very new to dating, period. It's just a fact and I have a lot to learn. However, I quickly developed feelings for this person that have manifest into everything from we can go for a walk together to he can meet my family next time I go home. I feel like I'm getting ripped apart inside, little by little, as I feel like I'm "falling for him" and he is for me too but his actions are ripping me in two. I'm at a loss for what to do. I am setting up other dates with other people but at the same time I feel like he is the perfect guy for me right now in my life. There are some similarities between us that are shockingly perfect. I'm considering confronting him on chat and simply saying some of the lines I wrote above. I feel like I want to say that this is causing me too much grief, either he needs to be interested and let us see each other again or I'm going to just say goodbye. This sounds really harsh to me, and perhaps unjustified, but I can't imagine continuing these thoughts I have only to learn he is actually not interested. What can I or should I do? I'm very fragile in my current life state. I also thought of saying yea, I know, this is like job hunting. But you have to put a deadline on it for when you'll go with the best you've found--which I've been led to think is me as of now.
First things first you need to calm the hell down. He said he wanted to take it slowly and you're talking about falling for him. Youre sounding clingy in my opinion. It's sort of natural for any one new to dating but you need to force yourself to slow down. Next time you talk perhaps try and arrange a date. Ask a date that's best for him and then you work around that. That way you can have a face to face conversation without technology in the way, which in my opinion makes everything a lot less personal. But you're not falling in love with him after one date. You're falling for the idea of being in love. Slow down, think about what he said and don't be clingy. Good luck!
I'll second the comment to CTFD. Part of being in a relationship is dealing with somebody else's thoughts, feelings, actions and priorities. All of which can change at any given time. So don't beat yourself up trying to figure out precisely what he's thinking, because by the time you do, he'll probably be thinking something completely different. A few things stand out in your post. * He told you he wanted to take things slow. * He appears happy when you contact him, and gets back to you in a timely fashion. * He DID initiate one contact in addition. * He tried to set up a date, which didn't pan out. Given these four facts, I'd say he IS interested. Almost certainly not to the degree that you are, but interested nonetheless. This is a good thing. So let us not now fuck this up, shall we? If you feel that he's trailing too far behind, and that you don't want this to continue if he's not going the same speed that you are, go ahead and break up with him. He's not "fucking with you", any more than if you told him you weren't sure if you were positive that you wanted to get married to him after your first date, you'd be "fucking with him". You simply are going at two different rates of speed. But know that this is going to be a continual thing. It's VERY rare for two people to go precisely the same speed in a relationship. It's very common for somebody to leap ahead, and then have to go into a holding pattern waiting for the other person to catch up. If you feel you're too fragile to deal with this sort of thing, I'd say you either need to hope against hope that you end up with somebody who goes the same speed as you do, work on getting beyond those feelings, or simply give up dating altogether. If you feel like giving it a go - and I think you should - feel free to disclose a bit (but just a bit) of what you're feeling. If you do, be gentle, and do it with a smile. "I've been thinking a lot about our date together. I do think it went great, and I hope I'm not speeding too far ahead of you, but I would really like a second date. Let me know when you think we can make that work." Lex
Well no advice for me to give these really summed it up yeah just calm down and follow with what he says
I meant this was the first date with this guy. I have been on other dates with guys and talked to a lot more. I am taking all of this advice and just going to let some good time pass. Perhaps he will contact me. Some of my close friends keep telling me that he's just not that into me, and I partially believe it. But I also think that he lied through his teeth countless times if that is the case. His whole point was that he is open, honest, and direct. Rather than risk this opportunity, I'm going to move on and wait for things to happen. It's difficult for me to do so but also the most rationale approach. Next week I'll re-evaluate the situation.
>>>His whole point was that he is open, honest, and direct. Rather than risk this opportunity, I'm going to move on and wait for things to happen. It's difficult for me to do so but also the most rationale approach. So in response to his open, honest, and direct approach...you're going to not be open, honest and direct? You're going to sit around and wait for him to contact you to prove he actually cares? I'm not suggesting that you need to do all the lifting here, but if you really want something to happen, it's usually best to take the steps to ensure they do. If I read your posts right, he tried to make a date and you had to decline due to being busy. Then you tried to make a date (twice?) and he ended up doing the same. So instead of simply walking away and waiting for him to call, why not give him an open invitation? "It sounds like you've been really busy, but I'd still like to meet up with you again sometime. Let me know when your schedule frees up some, and let's see if we can get together again." This displays interest and willingness to work around his schedule, and at the same time, puts the ball into his court. It's now up to HIM to make the next move. Lex
Good thing I didn't confront him like I was considering. I think I was afraid that my gut was sorely wrong...when in fact I am usually spot-on with these feelings. I still think I was right, he does like me. He initiated a chat yesterday and started out saying he hopes his schedule lightens up soon. This is a good exercise in teaching me patience. Of course then I worry that after a few more dates I might not even be interested in him, but we'll see.
