Been browsing these forums for a few days now and just decided to post due to lack of people to talk to and needing to vent. Ive just been feeling very unsure about who I am and who I want to be. Sometimes I'm proud to be gay and love it while other times I just wish i was straight. Sometimes I'm ready to just completely come out with it but I know I'll regret it later and just try to cover it up. Part of my problem is I live a very split life. I'm very masculine so people always assume me to be straight not to mention I like to make out with girls. I dont like to go further though for some reason. They attract me but I dont have much desire to have sex with them. Anyway so I have two groups of friends. One is when i hang out with this girl who people assume is my girlfriend at her college the other is my boys and their girlfriends. When Im up at the girls college im openly gay. I didnt intend it to be that way just after telling the girl the secret slipt out of her drunk mouth then out of mine. Im comfortable being gay up there but they never knew me as straight and if they didnt accept me I wouldnt care. Around my way when Im with my boys though Im "straight". I feel like they wouldnt care but Im always nervous of the awkwardness it may bring since theyve always thought of me to be straight and due to the lack of homosexuality in my area thanks to homophobia. I knew of 1 open gay guy out of my graduating class of 850. I guess I more of just want to find a guy to spend time with but cant find any since I hide the real me so much and deal with insecurities. Im just not sure which direction to take or how to meet other gays to help me explore myself. (Ive hooked up with a few guys but never a ltr or anything longer then 1.5 months or with a real emotional attachment) :help: didnt proof read cause i figure this is somewhat pointless and probably will delete before anyone responds
Hey, hun -- I'm sorry that you're dealing with feelings of such confusion! Trust me when I say I know how that feels, and I know how much it sucks. Something that I think it's important someone tells you is that you don't need to label yourself. It's okay not to know who you are, and it's okay to just go with the flow and do what feels right for you. I think that a lot of your doubts may stem from simply not knowing people in the queer community. Have you considered trying to get in touch with some other queer people? There are resources available to you. I noticed you live in the suburbs of Philadelphia, which is coincidentally where I go to college, and I think that colleges would be very receptive to you possibly attending queer union meetings there (if you'd like more information about my school in specific, let me know and I will gladly get that to you.) Whenever I'm most confused about things, turning to other queer kids has been the most helpful - both through empty closets and in real life. Don't worry if you're unsure about who you are and what you want. You don't need to know those things right now, just do what makes you feel comfortable in your own skin. And really, let me know if you want information about QSA/Queer Union stuff at colleges in the Philadelphia suburbs. Feel better!!!
Welcome to EC rsizzle. Coming out isn't easy. Until we actually spit out the words to someone, it is so uncomfortable. You're keeping a REALLY BIG secret from them, and you're afraid how they will react to that. We create the worst-case scenarios in our heads and use that to justify our silence. THERES NOTHING WRONG with that. Its all about your comfortabity with it (in my case, the uncomfortability became too much and to release the stress i had to tell my friends, yay it went well). Stick around and post as you feel you need to. Writing out your feelings works when you don't have someone to talk to.
A few thing to pick at here: >I'm proud to be gay and love it >>I like to make out with girls. I dont like to go further though for some reason. Hmmmm.... maybe because your gay? Dont take that the wrong way, I understand where you are trying to come from, it just seems like you are answering many of the questions you may have already. I feel as if your situation is different from how mine was, but still rather similar. I live in a particularly small town in the middle of nowhere, and I had come out my freshman year of high school. I had the idea that many people were going to be awkward with me, and in many situations they were. However, for the most part, when I was true to myself it made me feel better. The more you lie to yourself my friend, the more you are going to feel lousy. For many people coming out is a health decision, and in many situations, it really does relieve allot of stress, and it make one feel better about themselves. Now if you were in a situation where it was unhealthy for you to come out, and there would be serious threats to your safety, or emotional state then I would urge you to wait. However, that not particularly being the case then I urge you to give it a try. It like you said "I feel like they wouldnt care but Im always nervous of the awkwardness it may bring since theyve always thought of me to be straight." This being the case I would say that it wouldnt be that bad for you to come out. It is going to be awkward at first with your friends, but they will come around to it once they remember, or when you remind them that you were the same person as you were before coming out, and that it shouldnt effect your friendship. All in all, I feel as if your relationships with the people around you will not be effected by this. And perhaps if you were to look more, you could find someone to go on some dates with at the other college that you are going to. There are bound to be some guys there, and even at your own college. Lets take this one step at a time tho ok?
Hey, I totally understand your split deal. I have regular girl, but I like to mess around with the guys, too. I really want to tell my gf, cuz it's really not fair that she doesn't know all of me, but I'm afraid I'll lose her. This is not easy stuff--it's super hard when you're being dishonest with people you care about. Good luck. Maybe we'll chat sometime.
