Something I've found over the years is that people love labels. We love to pigeonhole ourselves and we love to pigeonhole others. And something I've discovered- there's no label that people love more than the label of being gay. Does being gay mean that if you're a guy you're effiminate and if you're a gal you're butch? Of course it doesn't- but I've noticed that many guys become much more effiminate once they come out. Hey look, you don't have to live up to any preconceived concepts of what being gay or lesbian is. My advice is to chart your own course on what being gay or lesbian means to you! Identifying yourself by a label is a bad idea. You are way too complicated to put all your eggs in the one basket of being gay. That's an aspect of you- sure. But it doesn't begin to measure the various personality characteristics you possess. You're not like every other gay person anymore than I'm like every other straight person. If you listen carefully you'll discover that many gay people are just as guilty of the labeling thing. To be gay doesn't mean you have perfect taste in picking out clothes or that you don't like playing football. All football players and blondes aren't dumb and all gay and lesbian people are way too unique as individuals to be categorized neatly with a one word summation of who they are. You've done nothing wrong in being gay so stop worrying so much about how other people feel about it. Ultimately your happiness depends on your attitude about things. Don't allow strangers and assholes to dictate your self acceptance. By accepting yourself unconditionally- whether you're gay or straight, popular or not, successful or not- you're better able to ride out the natural ebb and flow of things. When you're boyfriend breaks up with you, when your best friend moves away- don't fall into the trap of rating yourself by how well you're doing. "This too shall pass-" be your own best friend, make good choices- and simply ride out the storms to the best of your ability. When people discover you're gay they will make any number of generall accessments about you. Many people will think they can sum you up in one disdainful (for them) word. But go on being yourself- a self that's not static, that's continually discovering new horizons- that's free to be as individual as our society will allow.
This post really sums up a lot of the thoughts I've been having recently. I've realized that by attributing labels to myself, I've been limiting myself to the preconceived notions that accompany said label. Labels are great for things like soup. When looking at things objectively, though, it seems rather silly that the method we use to choose a certain type of soup also applies to understanding ourselves - our personalities are not as simple as Campbell's and Progresso. From now on, if I asked if I'm gay, I think I will reply, "Labels are so limiting." But then again, in our society, labels are the norm, so saying, "I'm closer to that at the time being than any other labels," might not be a bad idea either. Just don't lock yourself into a certain stereotype and try to live up to it - that's a sure way to end up miserable.
Great, great post. Like Ryan said though its a type of norm to label, a sociological thing society does a lot. Just as you categorize an adult who you see in a school building and you learn from every day as "teacher." Can this change? sure but at that time that person can be identified as that label. So yes it is annoying and detrimental to be labeled in this case, but nothing is set in stone. It's when you begin to identify yourself by only one label as Tim said that problems in self acceptance can follow.
I think for some people, being effiminate is something they have been hiding lest people find out they are gays. Therefore after coming out, they feel free to show it. For me, I have noticed that i am more effiminate after coming out to some friends. I feel more confident that way.
Daniel, I wasn't complaining about gay men being effiminate- that's fine. And if you've been hiding something that's really quite natural for you- then I think it's great that you're able to express it more confidently. I had never thought that gay men might be hiding a side of themselves until they came out- that never occurred to me. So thanks for that insight! My advice still stands- don't feel like you've got to meet some kind of stereotype of what a gay person is. But my example may have been a poor one. Being effiminate doesn't mean that you're not strong emotionally, that you can't deal with criticism, with lack of support, even with people turning on you- with the strength of a Green Beret. All you have to do is look at many really soft and fragile women to see that they can have a dynamic strength and a personal power that's very impressive. My concern is that sometimes when gay men take on one characteristic (being effiminate) they might take on a number of associated characteristics that might be unhealthy for them (being weak). Even with flaming gays- the need to blend yang (masculine) characteristics like persistence and dependability is vitally important. And for many gays- this is no problem at all. Let's face it- there are many macho heterosexuals who are extremely weak at handling criticism, at coming through reliably- at being strong in the area of yang virtues so please don't think I'm picking on gay people. Again, thanks for the insight! Tim
one thing i think is awesome about gays is the idea that you can be both masculine and feminine, in ur own ratio. you don't have to be a hard man or a fragile lady. you can be a man-loving, football-hating, fashion following, gentle but foul mouthed man, or a sports-loving, sex-maniac master-cook primary school teacher lesbian. if you so wish :icon_wink. i think it has the potential to free people to say: look, i want to be myself, a balanced individual, and not just take on the gender role you think i ought to have. that's why it can be sad if, as u say, people feel that they have to take on a stereotyical "gay" personality when they come out - it should be the other way around! and also, i agree that labelling can be more of a hindrance than a help. it sometimes amuses me to think that 90% of people are "definately straight" (until they're not lol) and the other 10% are... "well - a little bit of this... a little bit of that... i'm not sure.. does it matter?... labels are so constricting, darling!" :lol: in a good way.
wow -- thankyou for this post!! It really resonates with some of the thoughts i've been having about myself. This is totally spot-on! you've definatly got to find your sense of self and who you really are, and do this reguardless of sexuallity... you should not feel you have to live up to any pre-concieved stereotypes -- although, of course, you can have more fun being gay!! also consider though, what lables mean to you personally... what does it mean to be gay? imo it only means that you are mentally and emotionally attracted to the same sex, nothing more... so i can consider myself 'gay'. Although, people associate so many sterotypes to this label, that within society it takes up a different meaning... yea, it sux!
