A lot of stuff has happened over the years and i'm very confused about what to do. When I was about 11-12 my parents separated for a while which was difficult to deal with. At the same time, I was being bullied at school by a bunch of guys - nothing physical, just harassment, name calling, intimidation etc. I tried going to the principle/reporting it but I guess they only received a warning. When I first started High School it carried on, only a few more guys started on me. Not sure why. So I eventually refused and stopped attending school. My parents got back together and I started home schooling. That fell through several months later as my parents separated again....shortly after, they divorced. I live with my mother and younger brother. I don't see or speak to my father at all, the last time that I saw/heard from him was 3 years ago. After the home schooling fell through, social workers became involved and kept trying to get answers out of me as to why I wasn't attending school. I didn't want to tell them (the problems were the ones I mentioned above, and I was realizing that I was attracted to other males. I was fine with it at first, once I started hearing my siblings comments/slurs/opinions however, it became a bit of a problem.) One day the social workers came around again and I agreed to answer their questions. Half way through I left the room and shut myself off in another. They then left and my mother wanted me to just tell her what was wrong. So I wrote down that I was gay on a piece of paper and told her to leave the room before reading it. She came back in crying and said that it was okay, which I didn't believe then and I still don't. When the social workers left, because I didn't answer all of their questions - they had been 'chasing' me for a while and came up with no answers, they had me admitted to an adolescent mental unit the same day, this was right before me telling my mum what the problem was, so it was too late to stop. I had to stay at that place for a week or two - a horrible experience, especially when I didn't really need to be there. -- The main thing that is bothering me now is that my parents haven't mentioned anything about being gay at all until recently when I started seeing the therapist. Not once in 6 years. I think my mother is in denial. She wasn't doing well several years ago because of the divorce, but why couldn't she say something, or be more encouraging etc. It has really screwed me up, I didn't have any kind of problem with myself back then, but because it has been ignored, it's ripped my self-esteem and confidence apart. My parents haven't really made any effort to help me out with these things now, nobody has explained what my options are regarding schooling. I'm not studying or working at the moment and have no high school education due to Depression & Social Anxiety/Phobia developing over what happened/myself. Not much has changed. I'm 20 now, i've started seeing a therapist and i'm on meds. He knows about me being gay but we really haven't gone that far yet. I still feel 14 in a lot of ways because my parents didn't help me out much at all regarding these issues - I had no idea what to do and I had nobody else to turn to. People are saying that i'm an adult now and that it's basically my problem...but how can I solve it when my parents are the one to blame & there still isn't anyone else to turn to? It's like they were just waiting for me to turn 18 just so they could say "Your problem." I feel extremely inferior due to all of this and avoid having to be around people my age because they seem so far ahead, why would they want to bother with me? I've no kind of role model or anyone to look up to either. It makes me feel terrible, very guilty and like it's all my fault. I don't think it is but it's all just very confusing and i'm at a loss when it comes to any kind of solution. I'm not sure what i'm looking for by posting this, I just need to get it off of my chest, it makes me so angry because I dropped school etc. this just isn't me...it seems like my parents have turned me into something i'm not. Sorry for the post being longish. -Tez :icon_sad:
Hi Tez, Firstly and most importantly ALL THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! For someone who has had such a difficult first 20 years of your life with little schooling you write a very clear, intelligent and well written text. Each subject was clear and precise with good sentance construction and no spelling mistakes. No I'm not an English teacher, it is just to say that already without knowing you, this is the first of your posts that I have read, you are intelligent, you have a good vocabulary and can express yourself and your feelings. These are aleady 3 important points in your favour. You could have slipped into deliquancy and been in and out of police hands for the last 5 years, apparently this is not the case... that also says a lot about you! You are a lovely caring person, you didn't deserve any of this, you didn't provoke it, you are not responsable. Sometimes life just is unfair and there is not much you can do about it. You are not responsable for WHAT happens to you in this life, you are however responsable for how you react to these situations. You seem to be reacting in a very positive manner for the moment, you see a therapist, you have . You are on the road to recovery but it is a long road, this didn't happen to you over night and it won't get better overnight BUT you ARE on the right road.
Hi Tez, No, none of this is your fault. I agree with everything Louise said. It may be time to try and forgive your parents and figure out what you need to do to be healthy and well so that you can have a fulfilled and happy life! You deserve it! (*hug*)
Wow. That is a pretty horrible story, and I'm not sure many people would have been able to pull through all that 'unscathed'! The fact that you're dealing with it now says lots about your inner strength, and your desire to move on with your life. I've had kind of a rough time lately, and I'm finding therapy to be the best thing ever for me! I'm glad you've been open and honest with your therapist about being gay. You haven't got to it yet, but you will in your discussions. I hope that continues to be a source of help and encouragement for you. I've also been dealing with an addiction, and part of my recovery has been attending a 12 step group. We say the serenity prayer at least once if not a couple of times during the meeting: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage the change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think everyone needs to stop and think about the things they can change and the things they can't. So much energy is wasted on the things we can't change. In your case, many things are or have been out of your control. But if they are in your past, then let them go. You are an adult now, and while it wasn't fair, it is what it is and you can't change it. When you are able to accept that, and focus on the things that you can change, you'll make a whole lot of progress! We're all here for you too! I certainly am! I've been to hell and back this year -but the point is I made it back (well - almost!). And you can 'make it back' or 'catch up' too. I wish you all the best, and hope that you keep us posted as to your progress! We're all rooting for you!
Dats kinda like me, but worser i think??.. well heres my story My mum gambled a lot at home but not now tho, she poisoned my sister, she beat us, we werent really taught any manners, my dad didnt spend time with us that much. When i see on t.v when kids fathers dont be at their birthday why do they care anyway, my dad was there for my birthday but i dont know, if he wasnt there it would of been the same. I used to look up to my big brother, but i remmbered that he teased my alot at home, so i dont really look up to anyone now, my parents aint the typical parents.. they argued alot on n off, mostly my mum starting it finding any excuse, well my mum told me a few days ago i think that she hates him i think bcoz he wasnt there wen i was born at the hospital, he didnt even take a day off to see me and my brother. In primary school this guy teased me alot and when i cried i was always in the corner and no one went up to me even the dinner ladies when they were around in the playground, probly bcoz they found me annoying?.. i think that made me feel lonely growing up, the same guy did it in high skool for a bit, but the thing was we were friends but hes more of a friend to my brother, my brother made the friends at high school and then his friends became friends wiv me, but only some of them. And i was depressed through high school, i wnted to skip school days but i had no where to go, sumtimes i tried to make my self ill so i dont hav to go, since if i pretetned my parents wudnt have belived me. I dont know but the 1st day of high school i was confident.. then a few months afta i think i bcame shy, i dotn know why.. i was even shy at home when we had vistors i always avoided them going in my room. I awalys blamed myself for being shy and stuff, but i cant remember when i thought that ppl dotn bcome how they are by there selfs its how there brought up, bcoz my parents didnt encourage us that much, my dad always called me dum, but now they stopped doing it probly bocz we're all grown up, but i kno they were unhappy too wen we're growing up, my mum just took it out on us when she was angry, she used to say we're useless we shud die, i dont know if she actually meant it though, i think all that made me not care about other ppl very much, coz im quite a hypercrit, but i still have sympathy though, and i feel like an alien somtimes when i c ppl talking i dont undastand wat they mean alot of times. i did try to kill my self a few times, but i was too lazy to even do it or not i dunoo. Sometimes when i have serious pain i always leave it even if it could b bad, bcoz i always think im going no where in life and it doesnt matter if i die. Now im not a very good son i tease my dad i havnt got much repsect for my parents, i think its coz im trying to get back at them??, i kno its rong but i blame them for my depression, when i had a play fight wiv my twin he sed that i need anger management bcoz i was using too much force, and when i do martial arts trainin wiv my big brother he sed i use too much force, since im bit tempered, but im only like dat at home, when im in college im different, when i dont get angry easily, i dunoo why, S.A affected me alot through high school i didnt do my best in anything i was too scared to ask for help, but now i always ask at college. Well i know my life aint the worst it think of ppl who r in wars and that ppl die everyday but that doesnt get rid of S.A nemore, it used to but i kept going back in a shell, but it had gone alot btter tho but i had to do it by myself, bcoz i didnt think therapists would work for me since i dont tink much works for me. But S.A kind of saved me , bcoz if i didnt have it i probly would have been in a gang since i like gang culture
Hey Tez, I agreeed with everybody above that this is not your fault, because you were not the one who caused those problems, it was the school people I knwo it's hard to be 20, though Im not there yet, you have to stand up on your own, but it is not fair that your parents dont care about you. Everybody needs to be cared by others dosnt matter how old they are, because everybody is a child Well, you still have a bright long future ahead waiting for you, it's tiem to be a man, and stop living for yesterday, liek Jim said, keep moving on because the past will pull you down We all have problems, we all fall down, but the thing is we stand up, get mad, and get stronger. But I can see taht you are strong, too, you managed to pass those horrible years in schools, and you manged to make an outstanding come out. So, pat your back, you shoudl be proud of yourself, because not many people can do that If you feel lonely, feel free to post,share your feelings, Im glad that you posted this, at least you got it off your chests and you felt better now So gather all your strength and happiness, you are the way you are, and proud of it, who cares abotu what others think? You did your best, you tried your best, and you should deserve a happy life. So I hope thinsg will get better for you, be strong man, life is tough, but you gotta be tougher than life
Thank you all for your comments and contributions . It helps a lot. (*hug*) - I do want to stand up for myself and leave the past behind, but I think that is one of the major problems. I have no idea how to accomplish that, it's like back then it felt I was left to deal with it on my own, my parents never really spoke to me about any of the stuff up there^ that occurred. I don't even have an education, it's really hard to see how i'm supposed to stand up for myself without that? As well as having nobody around that is actually trying to reinforce these changes and actually help me reach them. Things seem very broken and i'm struggling to do it on my own. -Tez
You are not on your own, we are here and will help you as much as possible. Can you tell us some positive points in your life? This is not an easy, throw away question. Really think about it hard, even if it is to say that you have a nice haircut for example. Anything, anything that you can see is nice about you, or good in your life. Each positive point is a building block that will lead to another. You can do this, I know you can. The first baby steps are to believe in yourself. Sometimes you just have to accept the past for what it is, you can't change it, but you can today decide to focus on something positive in your life and try to put the rest of the back burner for a bit. It's not easy and you won't succeed on the first, second or third try, I am the wrong side of 40 and am still struggling but there is more and more positive and the negative gets left in the shadows of the positive. You seem very hard on yourself. I left school at 16, trained for 2 years to be a childrens nanny and am now the head of a small mail order company! I don't believe academic education is everything (just as well coz I don't got nun!) attitude plays an immensly important role in our lives. I see from your posts that you write coherently with good sentance and grammatical construction, you are far from a dunder head. Could you do night school or evening classes to catch up on what you missed? Believe in yourself
From what he says, shows that he is totally alone in his life. Well, how about startign all over again? You get some educations, and make new friends, or get help from helpline, those communities near you with peopel who are the same situation like you I know we are here to help, but you really need someone physically there to support you. Sometimes soem peopel dont even have anyone to help them for their lifes, so tehy have to do things by themselves. Well, it takes time, tiem is teh mater, teh only thing to remember is not to give up, be strong, and that is all
