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Coming out to parents.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Makaio1, Apr 4, 2011.

  1. Makaio1

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    Hi,

    So I was having a discussion with my parents about being gay (my sister is gay so thats who we were speaking about). Then we were talking about how they reacted once my sister came out and it wasn't good. Then my dad asked my mum if I was to "come out as gay" what she would do and she said she would "kill herself" because she couldn't handle having 2 gay kids and how she thinks shes done wrong by raising 2 gay kids and that the community will judge her for it.

    My dad wouldn't like it, but he said he would be slightly more accepting because there's nothing he can do about it.

    What can I do!? I was gonna come out to my parents but if my Mum just told me she would kill herself and that she couldn't handle it. What should I do. That's really upset me now and pushed me further into the closet. FML. :frowning2:
     
  2. Artemicion

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    What was your dad's reaction when your mom said she would "kill herself"? Also thinking about it might be because she's still not over your sister's coming out yet...hence the radical reaction. How long has your sister been out for if you don't mind me asking...

    All in all hang in there! Feel free to msg me if you like.
     
  3. Makaio1

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    He could kinda understand where she was coming from despite the radical response. My sister has been out for around 18 months or so now.

    Thanks mate, I appreciate it.
     
  4. stageone

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    Maybe come out to Dad first so he can help break it to Mom? How are they with your sister now?
     
  5. zerogravity

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    Dude I was in the exact same situation until about a month ago when I came out to my parents.

    My older sister came out as lesbian 2 years ago and my Mom took it really bad. She was literally crying for weeks and we weren't allowed to mention it around her. Like you, I was scared of telling her because she is super uptight about these kinds of things.

    I seriously doubt your mom would actually kill herself - that is a pretty extreme reaction to something that isn't that big a deal. She needs to read pflag (easier said then done - my mom wouldn't read it and is in compete denial mode).

    If you have any questions, let me know. I have never talked to a gay person who's sister is lesbian - it's pretty rare I guess?
     
  6. Toneth

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    I think mom might have been exaggerating a little, but if you're worried about it, talk to your dad first on your own, and then maybe he can help her stay rational when she gets the news. I think she'll come around, even if it takes a min
     
  7. Makaio1

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    I know my Mum won't kill herself. She just meant it in the fact that she felt "she couldn't go on" as it would be too much to handle. I think my dad feels the same way, but he is much more reserved in his opinions, he keeps them to himself. I feel like I need to stay in the closet to protect my parents -- I don't want them to be judged and feel like they are bad parents because they have two gay children.

    Thanks man, I feel it is rare to be gay and have a gay sibling. I've talked to them about PFLAG with my sis, even asked them to watch Prayers for Bobby as that involved PFLAG etc. but to no avail. I really thought my mum and dad knew, I mean, I definitely don't come across as the straightest guy in the world.

    I feel a lot better knowing that someone has been/is going through the same dilemma as me.

    I really appreciate everyone's replies, and more advice would be also greatly appreciated.
    (&&&)
     
  8. No One

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    That's a tough situation. My mom pretty much reacted like that (the sobby, what did I do wrong thing) and it scared my back into the closet. I know it's a scary though, but the reality of the situation is that you mom is highly unlikely to actually kill herself. It is a common thing for parents to say, especially in your situation where your sister has already come out. I agree that coming out to your dad first may be your best bet. I hope all goes well, and I am here for you if you need someone. (*hug*)
     
  9. Ianthe

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    Well, the first thing I would do is talk to your sister about it, if you haven't done so already.

    Have you considered going to a PFLAG meeting yourself? The parents at the meeting might have some insight and be able to help you to understand what your parents are going through, and how to help them. You might even meet someone who would be willing to talk to your mother personally. If going to an actual meeting is too much, a one-on-one conversation with another mother might be more comfortable. (Or another couple with a gay child to talk to both your parents.) They like having gay people at PFLAG, and anyway, you are the brother of a lesbian, so you would definitely be welcome at their meetings.

    Sometimes, we must bring the mountain to Muhammad. :icon_bigg
     
  10. zerogravity

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    Yeah you should definitely tell your sister! I didn't tell mine until after - I'm such an idiot :lol: She was like "I know, you jerk, I was wondering when you were going to come out of the closet". Just tell your sister already!
     
  11. Makaio1

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    My relationship with my sister is rocky. We don't get along and I don't feel I can confide in her about this situation. I think she knows but she would just go and tell everyone and then tell my parents, when really I feel it should be me telling them. Its really complicated. She is 2 years younger than me and still very naive and immature, and I know she'll use the fact I'm in the closet against me in anger and spite. I dunno what to do...
     
  12. zeratul

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    I have a feeling you are simply over-analyzing your relationship status with your mother and your sister. You are using the "outsiders" lens to look at the relationship, thus you are filtering out one very important aspect of the relationship: that you are the blood son and blood brother, and acceptance and love is unconditional once properly confronted with certain truths.

    Mostly, when family do not accept a homosexual relative, it can be attributed to a rationalized (whether it actually is rational or not doesn't matter) homophobia or anti-gay ideology at a fundamental level, embodied in their conscious mind so deep that it is stronger than the love for a family member or a sense of care or responsibility that a parent ought to feel for the child.

    From your description, this doesn't seem to be the case for your family. You have to understand that coming out is a confrontation, and an ideological and emotional one at that. But do it if you can see that your mom loves you and in the end just want to protect you. The rest is educating her that it wasn't her fault in raising you that you turned out to discover that you are gay.
     
  13. zerogravity

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    Another thing is, what they say and what they do are two different things.

    my prediction of my dad's reaction: "that's fine son, it doesn't bother me at all"
    actual reaction: bad - super awkward. didn't know what to say, homophobic

    my prediction of my mom's reaction: hysterical, crying, on phone with aunts, more crying
    actual reaction: "that's nice dear, would you like some tea?"

    Later my mom asked me if I was molested by one of my teachers. That must have been the explanation, somehow I "caught the gay" :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #13 zerogravity, Apr 5, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2011
  14. Idonteven

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    I feel for your situation but I think zeratul has given some good advice here.

    My relationship with my sister is rocky, I came out to her before anyone else and I worried she'd tell my mum and dad before I did, but she never breathed a word about it, but its for you to judge your relationship with your sister and if you think you could talk to her about it or not.