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Long years of denial.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MatureIrishman, Apr 4, 2011.

  1. MatureIrishman

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    In my late 20's I had a number of gay encounters, but they were always after night of heavy drinking. I eventually stopped drinking and when that happened I also stopped any gay activity.
    A few months back I saw an advertisement for a male masseur in a nearby city. I've been to see him a few times and really enjoyed the experience. It's private, naturally, and presents no complications.
    I may have reawakened my true sexual interest but I don't want to go down the path of drinking again. Where do I go from here?
     
  2. straal1972

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    Hi there MatureIrishman, welcome to EC. I don't know much about you, but I would say that you were in the closet, and that alchohol helped you to come out and experience/enjoy gay sex. The two events DO NOT have to go hand in hand. Its okay to be questioning whether you are gay, straight or bi. Tell yourself that. You need to discover what fits for you, and explore your own self. Just because you did something one way before, does not mean that it needs to happen that way again.
     
  3. Rosina

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    Well hello! :slight_smile: Firstly, a big welcome to the family, you've found the right place for advice :slight_smile:

    Secondly - and having just said this is the best place for advice! - I'm not the best for giving advice of this nature at all, there'll be other members around shortly that help better, but I'll give a few thoughts of mine.

    In past threads on here, guys have had good results by visiting gay-bars and gay-clubs a couple of times (first time's notoriously uncomfortable for most); there's many reports of lots of fun to be had with taking along straight friends, dancing and just hanging out feeling the vibe of the place.

    I have to second Straal's advice, do take your time to find yourself, it's no race and certainly alcohol and gay-encounters don't go hand-in-hand all the time. I think it's good you're looking to find yourself, it's a positive step :slight_smile:
     
  4. Toneth

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    theres a lot more than just gay bars for meeting guys too, but as for right now, you might want to explore masturbation with gay porn, see how you feel about it, see what excites you and what you like :slight_smile:
     
  5. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    >>>Where do I go from here?

    Well, where do you WANT to go from here? Are you interested in perhaps dating or getting into a relationship with a guy? Do you just "enjoy the sex"? Are you in a relationship with a woman now? Is this something you'd feel comfortable sharing with other people in your life - your family and friends? Once I get a better bead on your mindset, I could probably give some better advice. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. Chip

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    Hi.

    As you surmised, the drinking was probably a way you were using unconsciously to get away from the same-sex feelings you were having, and to allow you to experience gay sex, while having a convenient excuse ("Oh, I was drunk and had no idea what I was doing!") that allowed you to maintain in your own mind the idea that you are straight.

    If you are now sober and have been for a while, then hopefully you have learned other, healthier ways of coping with strong negative feelings. If that's the case, then you should be able to explore your feelings and your attraction toward men without alcohol being part of the picture. I will say that if you have a history of alcohol abuse and/or alcoholism, it would be unwise to go to bars or other places where there's a strong culture of drinking in an attempt to meet other guys. Instead, I'd look at other options: there are gay book clubs, hiking clubs, dinner clubs and other social groups. Your city may have a gay-lesbian center and if so, they will have resources not only for meeting other gay men, but for processing your feelings and coming to accept who you are (assuming you are, in fact, gay.)

    I also strongly recommend the book "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love", which in spite of an incredibly misleading title, is one of the best resources I've ever read on understanding yourself as a gay man, exploring the conflicting feelings, dealing with internalized self-hate, and so forth. Last I checked it is currently only in print in the large type edition, but it is well worth reading.

    And also, I think you've gotten good advice above. I would particularly recommend Toneth's suggestion to watch some gay porn and see what it does for you and, separately from that, masturbate without the porn and let your mind naturally wander and see what sort of imagery comes up and what you find yourself fantasizing about. If the fantasies are going in the direction of men, then you pretty much have the answer.

    Finally, you may want to consider talking with a therapist. It's a lot easier to come to terms with, and reconcile your feelings, with the help of a professional who can help you clarify and understand your feelings.

    And... stick around here and keep us informed on how things are progressing for you :slight_smile:
     
  7. malachite

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    As someone who also didn't come to terms with his sexuality until his late 20's, I understand. You need to come out to yourself. Admit to yourself that your gay, and thats more then just saying it. You have to accept yourself for who you are.
    For me THAT was the toughest part of coming out, but once I did it, I found a new confidence. You will too, good luck out there.
    :thumbsup:
     
  8. TyRawr

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    As a bodyworker myself I can understand how many of these emotions may arise. Massage, though it may seem rediculous, is actually very theraputic psychologically and physically. You obviously have a good Massage therapist if they are able to awaken these supressed feelings. And I do mean suppressed. Alcohol is simply a buffer for your emotions. It helps to relieve the brain of most of its "better" judgement. So by drinking you are giving yourself an excuse to have these experiences, and be shame free, because you were just drunk.

    However I would continue to see this Massage Therapist that you are with, because even though it may seem like you are attracted to him, he is probably just doing his job very well and helping to relieve some of the emotions that you have pent up inside.
    Also, it would be good to seek the advice of a counselor. Try someone who isn't a MD who wants to give you a bunch of medications.
     
  9. Chip

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    I have a suspicion, from the way he stated it, that maybe the "massage therapist" that MatureIrishman had was probably of the, um, "happy ending" variety rather than a legitimate massage therapist... which doesn't invalidate Ty's point at all -- a good (legitimate) massage therapist is intuitive and does pick up on a lot of things going on for a client -- but just to clarify that, unfortunately, among many gay men "going to a massage therapist" is a polite way of saying "going to a prostitute." Which is a huge problem for those of us who are legitimate massage professionals.

    I also agree with the suggestion that a psychologist or social worker rather than psychiatrist would be a great choice. As I've said before, the old adage "when you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail" definitely applies to psychiatrists.