Hi again EC, I'm coming on here because I finally finished seeing a psychologist a few months ago, and I'm trying hard to deal with stuff in other ways. At the moment, that means asking questions about personal stuff of whoever I can that isn't the psych! lol. Anyway... suppose I should stop trying to make excuses and just ask. I've been in my first relationship for about 2 months. I really love spending time with her, and when she's not around I'd like her to be. I don't mind sex most of the time, and have on occasions enjoyed it, but I also get really anxious about it. I also just don't like kissing much, and I feel bad because I know she does. I have never thought I'd be into sex much, and up until about 2 years ago I was very much in the "eewww gross, kissing/sex, WHY would you want to do that?!" box. At that point I also thought I was into men, so maybe that had something to do with it. My point is, I suppose I have a history of almost negative views on sex. I really love lots of the cute little things my gf does, and I really trust her and feel comfortable with her. I suppose I have a few questions: * Is it okay to just be content with her because it's going well right now, or is something clearly not right because I don't like the physical stuff that much? * How can I know if I will ever like the physical stuff more with another person? Knowing me, and my worrying, I don't think I would. But then some people say to me that it's because I haven't found the 'right' person. * How do you know when you 'love' someone? I know 2 months into a relationship isn't that long, and I'm not rushing it, but I'm just wondering...? Like, can you still love someone even if you are not into kissing? Lol, dumb question. * I just want to find someone who I can be really close to, live with, share life with, and sometimes have sex with. Is that ok?? Or am I supposed to be sex-crazed or something?! :S Methinks I am confuzzled. Thanks for reading
Hey there, I am not going to answer your questions line by line. But I will say this: The right relationship is one where you and your partner are completely honest about what everyone wants, what kind of sex or other behaviors each of you find enjoyable, and you try to and want to make it enjoyable for each other (take turns if you have to). If ou keep communications open and you find yourself still attracted to closeness with a particular person, then i don't really see anything unhealthy.
Just as orientation is on a spectrum, so is the extent of our sexual desire. You have relatively little sex-interest, probably quite a bit less than your girlfriend. But this isn't uncommon.
Hey dont worry we are always here if you want to ask questions. I think it is fine to be with her now because everything is going ok, so you dont know if you love her yet and you're not sure you want to spend the rest of your life with her but they arent things you have to decide right away. In my opinion the time you need to end the relationship is when you know you dont really want to be with the other person and you know you are never going to love them but you dont want to end it because it has it uses and its better than nothing (I dont think from what you have said this is you). I think its difficult to know if you would like it more with another person without actually trying it (not that im suggesting thats what you do) and I think it is something that only can ever decide. I understand where you are coming from because I have only ever slept with one girl so I could say what would it be like to sleep with another girl, but the way I would judge it is does the intimicy with your girlfriend satisfy you? As you have said your not a particularly sexual person, so I think if you are adequately satisfied then there is no reason to think that the reason it isnt quite right is because you are with the wrong girl I think it is just that its not so high on your priority list and I dont think there is anything wrong with that. If however you feel unsatisfied and you feel like you are looking for something else sexually then maybe you are not compatible. Im not sure if I have got my point across very well there, but I would say I think I would give yourself a bit more time to get used to the newness of it and the possibility of old negative thoughts about it. I totally think you can love someone without loving kissing them, there is however a very fine line between loving someone as a partner and loving someone as a friend. I think you can love being close to them, and other things. Its difficult to give an opinion on your specific situation because only you know how you feel but I think you have to take into account your anxiety issues and the negative thoughts you used to have and try and work out whether you dont like kissing her because your not attracted to her or because its something you are anxious and unsure of. You dont have to be sex-crazy to be in the right relationship its a personal thing and is different for everybody. As the poster above pointed out one of the most important things is that you are open and honest with your partner. If you are both happy with the situation then I would say there is no problem.
You know... not all relationships need to be based on sex. I think that its very admirable that you are willing enough to try, but it is also understandable that you also are are negligent about it. I for one clutch on to my virtue, but also dont deny it. If the opportunity comes with my boyfriend and myself I will give myself to him, because I love him so much. Perhaps that is similar to your situation. You like this person, but you are not ready to give yourself to her completely yet. Give yourself some more time, and just remember that all relationships need work. Try and communicate with her more about how you feel about sex, and kissing. Explain how it is not her fault, and it is just and adjustment for you, and that you are trying very hard. Also understand that if she truly cares about you then she will understand and try and be patient. You also have to be willing to make compromise with her, and push yourself a little out of your comfort zone in order to make progress.
