I'm new to all of this so bear with me please.. I've been going back and forth with myself for years now, what am I? I used to be scared of the answer. Being gay in my family is pretty much unheard of. None of my family members or friends are gay (as far as I know). I've been with guys before, been in relationships with guys and everything that goes with it. It's always been awkward to be with a guy. I've never been with a girl though. I still have yet to even kiss one. I sort of went out with a girl on a date, but nothing ever happened and I can't help but wonder if she was waiting for me to make the move. I punked out, and haven't met any girls since. I remember being attatched to certain girls from middle school on up, and I thought it was just friendship, but looking back now, I feel like I was looking for more. I remember paying more attention to a certain girl than I should have. I've never looked at guys the same as I do a girl. So I've had so many years of confusion, and no one to talk to about it. I've been online looking for some help and I keep seeing that I shouldn't come out until I'm ready to, but I did read that talking to a friend about it could help. So when I was hanging out with my best friend of almost 10 years now, I tried to tell her, but I couldn't say it. I'm afraid if I tell her, she won't want to be around me. I'm afraid she won't be in my life, and that terrifies me. I don't have feelings for her, that much I know. She is more of a sister to me than anything. I'm just here to look for some support and answers. Or help getting the answers I need. I'm starting to accept everything myself. The more I accept it, the happier I start to feel. I'm just not sure where to go from here. Any advice would be amazingly helpful.
Hi there, welcome to EmptyClosets, and remember that this is a place to fully express yourself without the fear of ridicule. First of all, it sounds like you are confused, but not unaware. >>>I've been with guys before, been in relationships with guys and everything that goes with it. It's always been awkward to be with a guy. It seems you obviously know you are at least bi or bi curious, if not more. And also remember there are thousands of people who are in the same boat as you. So please try and see that you are different yes, but normal is such a natural way. I cant tell you how your family is going to react, and I cant tell you much about your friends either. However with this friend of yours who you have been faithful to for 10 years now will probably understand what you are going threw. As you said, you do not have to come out until you are ready. However, it sounds as if you and this friend have a really close relationship, and it would seem highly unlikely for her to be upset with her for being honest. If you can muster up the courage, try and talk to her, and tell you almost exactly what you said on here: "You have been with guys, dont really like it. You are interested in girls, but not in her." If she truly cares then she will understand and she will be supportive. Other than that I cant give much more advice at this time. If you want to ask anything in particular then feel free to message me.
Welcome to EC! First off, try not to over-worry about your orientation. I know - it'd be so much easier if you "knew". But you apparently don't just yet. The orientation you chose for your profile - "Not sure (still trying to figure it out)" - is perfectly valid. Many people don't get a good grip on their sexuality until later on. I didn't have much inkling that I might be gay until I was in college, for instance. You certainly seem to be on the right path. You're "coming out" to the most important person first - you. You're deciding perhaps you're not completely straight. You might be gay, you might be bisexual. And that thought doesn't sound like it frightens you (anymore). You're getting used to the idea. And that's excellent. Re: your friend. If you've been friends for a decade or so, and you haven't noticed much in the way of homophobic behavior from her, chances are she'll be pretty accepting. It's natural to worry that our (same sex) friends will think we're making a play for them (and it's not that unusual for the same sex friends to wonder if we are!). But it's usually pretty easy to put that fear to bed. When you do come out to her, saying something like "I've decided to tell you first, because you're really been a great friend to me, and I feel I can trust you with this information" will make things pretty clear. It may be you want to keep working on getting used to it before coming out to your friend. That's understandable. Keep working on yourself. And I'd highly suggest sticking around here some more. Read some posts, add your thoughts, and feel free to ask the crowd if you have anything else you want to know. I've found that getting to know other gay people can help closeted folks start feeling a lot better about themselves, and that even holds true if you only get to know them online. Lex
Thank you both. I have started to come accept it myself. And one of the reasons I came to this site was for help, the help and advice you have given. I think the reassurance that I'm not alone, and that I'm on the right path is going to help immensly. When I was with my friend last night, I was trying to get it out. I wasn't sure how to word it, so I kept stumbling over my words. She knows something is up, and she wants me to talk to her about it, and she's been very patient. I've basically been battling with myself over this, seriously, for about 3 years now, and she's still patiently waiting for me to talk to her about the same thing. I started to tell her, and I told her I was starting to accept everything and that I wasn't upset about it anymore. She thought I was angry about whatever was going on. I simply told her no, I'm happy with everything, I'm just scared sh*tless. That was as far as I got. She just told me to talk to her about it when she was ready. So I think I need to talk to some other people who have gone through this before. I need someone in my life that I can talk to about all of this that will understand. It's very difficult not being able to talk to anyone I know about this. I just want to get to the point where I'm not so scared that my family and friends will reject me. I don't want to lose anyone.
Oh wow! I didn't know you were so close to coming out before. You friend seems much more amazing with each description. It doesn't seem to me at all that she is going to "reject you". In fact is seems like she is nothing less then supportive and concerned. Coming out is your own benefit, and when you feel ready (which from what you are indicating you are getting close) then you will find the words. I like what Lex had to say. You dont have to identify as anything, and in the process if anyone asks you what you are just tell them you "aren't straight" For now: just tackle this thing one baby step at a time. Lets find the words for your friend, and then work our way up to the rest of the world.
Thank you so much. Having someone to talk to right now is amazing. I'm feeling so much better already! I don't know how to say it. I don't know if it's ever crossed her mind or not. She's not one that would ask outright if I was straight or not. So I don't even know how to start it. I started with how I felt about myself, and then tried to go into, but it was like my throat closed on me, or my brain stopped working. I didn't know what to say after that. Part of me wants to just blurt it out, but then I can't. I've gone to talk to her with every intention of talking to her about it, but then I don't say anything. Then I think that I should start by talking to my mom or my sister. I know both of them will still love me no matter what. But, I can't even say anything to them. Being gay in my family wasn't something that was talked about. Not that its frowned upon, or evil in their eyes, its just not talked about. I do have an old step-brother and step-sister, they are both gay and out to everyone. I've wanted to talk to them, just message one of them, but I start the message and I end up deleting it. I just don't know how to say it. Or explain it. I'm just extremely nervous. I've been thinking that it might be easier if I waited until I met a girl that I liked and it would be an easier way of telling everyone. But I'm not sure. I've just had this all bottled up for so long. I want to talk to someone I know about all of this. But for now, the support you guys are giving is immensly helpful. Thank you so much.
Well like Lex said, you can start the convo with "I have something improtant I need to tell you, and I really need your support in this ok?" That kind of gets the energy flowing to all the right places, and you may find that if you open the convo with an introduction then it will somewhat push yourself into saying it. I liked what you said in your first post, that there are no friends or family "that you of" who are gay. They are out there dear, you are not alone. If you feel like you need to wait, then wait. But bottling up all this raw emotion is not good, and it sounds like you have been bottling it up for years now. Its starting to explode out of you, and its going to be unbearable if you dont start taking control. To bring more clarity to what I just said, I mean that it is not a good idea to have a girlfriend before you come out. You should be happy with yourself, alone, before you have someone in your life. You need to take time to discover yourself, so that you are not reliant on someone else to define you. I hope this is not seeming nagging, but it is out of kindness. I feel for you,
No, you don't seem like you are nagging. I'm very greatful to have someone to bounce ideas off of. I didn't think of it like that, I don't want to do that to anyone. I shouldn't rely on someone else to define me. I am who I am. As for starting the conversation that way, that was pretty close to how I started it. I tried like 3 times to get it out last night, and I kept wording it differently. The only part I didn't have was asking for her support. I think that's the important part that I need. I think I have to know first that she will support me before I tell her. As for the emotions part. The past couple of years have been very difficult. I did hang out with a girl I liked and that sparked all of this and made me realize there is something more going on than I think. I never ended up doing anything with her, I don't think she knows I even had feelings for her. But, I was more upset when I found out that she was with someone, than I was when I broke up with my first and only boyfriend. I still kick myself to this day for not doing anything. But I was scared and it was all new to me. So I have had anger towards myself for a long time. I couldn't say it out loud to myself until about a month ago. I've disliked who I was for so long. I was such an angry person. I started feeling so much better and happier when I said it out loud. That I might be gay. And I don't care what anyone I meet from here on out thinks. I'm still just worried about friends and family.
Dont you think she has been rather supportive? She has been friends with you for 10 years, and you have been struggling with telling her for a while as well. She seems so supportive in fact that she doesnt insist on pushing you.
She knows I will tell her. But she wants me to tell her, cuz she can see what not telling her is doing to me. Neither of us like keeping things from one another. I just don't know how much longer I can go without talking to someone I know about all of this. I just want to be able to hug someone and spit it out.
Well you have fought the toughest battle already. You have come out to yourself. She is waiting for the mean time. Maybe this is good time to compose how you can achieve that goal. Really think about who she is, how she is, and how she acts. Do you think she would resent you? I think no. You dont have to do it now, but think about trying soon. It feels sooooo much better once you have taken the first step.
I know it will be much better. All I can think about is the relief I felt when I admitted it to myself. I don't think she'll resent me, I'm just scared she might be upset with me that it took so long for me to tell her. There is a small part of me that is afraid that I will get rejected and she won't want me around anymore. Just like with my family, I never talked with my friends about anything to do with being gay. Her and I did have an argument about children being brought up by same sex parents which upset me. So I don't think I'm in the right to expect her to just adapt to this and accept it right away. I'm scared to tell her, and the rest of the world. Most people see me as a strong person, but with this, I'm frightened. I don't want to be scared. I want to embrace myself, and love myself for once in my life. I want to be happy with who I am.
People sometimes need time to adjust. This may in fact be a surprise to you, but it is almost inconceivable that she would reject you. I cant tell you what to do however, and my advice is beginning to sound redundant. You need to make the choice to be happy. Think about things some more, and give it some time.
Well thank you. This has helped quite a bit. I think I'm going to take some time and reflect on everything and figure out how to handle it. Thank you for the support and the advice.
Howdy and welcome to EC. You've gotten some great advice already and just wanted to throw in a bit myself. Not very long ago I was in a very similar position. Fast forward a few months and I am completely out and loving it. It sounds like your so close to coming out. It's like it's on the tip of your tongue and when the time comes you just freeze up and then later on your thinking why didn't I just do it...... I went through that phase for a few months until I finially just decided I needed to take the leap. And that's all it is one leap. Believe me when I tell you everything will be okay. It sounds like your friend will be very supportive. She definitely won't be upset that it took you so long. She sounds like the kind of person that will be proud of you and happy for you. It probably doesn't seem like it right now but coming out gets easier each time. All you need to do is take that leap.
I know how you're feeling, but you really have gotten past the hardest part in the coming out experience - coming out to yourself. It's interesting hearing what you were feeling and discovering because a lot of what you said applies to me too! I felt some of the exact same things you did when I was coming out to myself. I know, it's stressful coming out to others after being closeted for so long. It's like right now you are an 'undercover gay' and once you tell the first person it feels like everything has changed. I remember when I told my first person I just couldn't say it, I couldn't! Luckily we were walking outside in the dark (we were walking to feed the dog I petsit for) so I couldn't see her face and that somehow made it easier. But I still couldn't say the exact words so I made it a guessing game. I said something like, "I have something that I want to tell you, I've wanted to tell you for a while," and she was like, "what," and I said, "well you have to guess." So she guessed a couple things and I gave her clues such as, "you're the first person I'm going to have told," and, "I don't want you to tell anyone else right now," and things like that. Eventually she guessed the right thing and the cat was out of the bag. She was very supportive, but the first person really is the hardest (so far). I know that fear of being rejected though, for a while after I came out to her (even though she wasn't homophobic at all) I was deathly afraid I would do something that she would over interpret as me crushing on her or something. But over time I got over this fear once I saw that she was treating me in the exact same way as she had before. I found that telling her actually brought me and her closer together, which made me very happy! But yeah, I just thought I would share my experience. And I wish you the best of luck! Maybe you could watch a movie with a gay character and then tell her that you are 'like her,' that's what I did with my other friend, except I used a book as reference!
Thank you both. It's helpful to hear others' stories. I'm going to give it some more time and get more uused to saying it to myself. I may actually talk to my mom about it first. She knows everything else about me. And I know her stance on the whole "being gay", I know she will alwAys love me. That i know won't change. It may not even surprise her. But my mom and my friend have both been my rock. So I think if I can get it out to my mom, I should be able to get it out to my friend. I'd like to feel confident about the whole thing before I tell my friend. I want her to see I'm happy with this and more confident about myself.
If you have difficulty saying it out loud, but you really want to do it, you can write it in a letter, too. With friends, I often use text messages. I'm kind of shy anyway, so I have a hard time initiating any conversation that's really about me. If you can't spit it out, tell your friend in some other way. Once she knows, you will be able to talk to her about it, and you will get more used to referring to yourself as a lesbian.
Thats what i was thinking. we both have a hard time saying things out loud, so we do normally write letters. I just want to be able the say it out loud. But I think your right. Write it down, then it will get easier. I'm going to give it a shot. Thanks!
