Hi, I'm new. This is my first post. I'm 15, and right now, I think that most of my friends would call me 'metro sexual' and some of them definitely have some ideas about my being gay. My mom knows. She found evidence and confronted me about it. It was really dificuilt to talk about it with her, but I had no choice and secretly, I was glad. That was almost two years ago now and, to this day, she thinks I 'framed myself', because I wanted her to find out. Which really isn't true. She's the only one who knows. Which sucks. And I would love to change that, but I care so much about being accepted. I try so hard, to fit in, to be normal. I pretend I don't hear the occasional gay questions or refrences. It has become natural to answer no to the questions, now. My mom kind of had an idea, but she tells me that she hadn't made her mind up as "yes, my son is DEFINITELY gay." I feel so bad about making her keep it a secret. She's been so good about it. When we go shopping, just the two of us, she sort of treets me as her 'gay son'. Which feels so good. But I am so afraid of how my dad would react. He might hate me, in which case, my mom would surely be there for me, or he may just say "duh! as if I hadn't guessed", and burst out laughing. I can never get a read on him. I sense that he has become more sensitive to the issue, though. He no longer says "Look at those fags", every time the home design shows are on. Maybe he knows already? And then theres my brother. He has done a LOT of growing up since he moved out west. Maybe I could tell him on msn, as we talk often. My only worry is that I might ruin our relationship, which is just coming into it's prime. Sorry for the long post, but I've been waiting to do this since I was twelve. I need to get some 'expert advice'. Any suggestions, comments, or ideas? Brenton
You mention that your brother has done a lot of "growing up"; does that mean that he is more accepting of homosexuality? You could always ask a few questions, mention current events, etc., in order to gauge his reaction. If he isn't homophobic, then telling him that you're gay can only strengthen your relationship. After all, what's a relationship if you keep too many secrets? As for your father, that's a really tough call that you'll just have to make yourself. I know you probably get that a lot, but you will know when you are ready to come out to him. If you do come out to your father, and he has a hard time, you can refer him to PFLAG or another suitable organization, where he can speak with others in his situation. Or maybe, since he's become more sensitive to the issue, he won't need something like that. Anyway, I'm sure that others here can respond in much greater detail than I can. Good luck with this process! It is certainly very exciting!
I actually think you're pretty lucky. For me, coming out to my parents was harder than coming out to my friends. My mom still doesn't really want to believe it; she is always saying that she wants grandchildren and that adopted children are not the same. She always stops the conversation when I try to talk to her about it again... You might want to wait a bit before telling your dad. Maybe you should tell a close friend or two first(or more... I had to reach about twelve before working up the courage to tell my parents). Generally, girls tend to be easier to tell, although I've recieved good support from both sides. If you feel that your brother can take it, maybe you can tell him before your dad, too. Also, if you haven't already, you can talk to your mom about telling your father. She might know how he would react (she married him, didn't she?), and she might be able to help you tell him. As chrisg said, good luck! BTW, welcome to the forum :icon_mrgr
Have you spoken to your mum about your dad? She probably knows him as well as anyone and may well be able to guess how he might react, or advise on when/if/how to tell him. She may even have dropped some hints to him already, so he's half-expecting the news. There must be a reason why he doesn't make negative comments now, and I would think your mum could help there and may have had something to do with it.
Welcome, Brenton! Yeah, I agree with the others about talking to your mom about how your dad might react. It seems like the two of you (you and your mom) have a really good relationship. I think the most important thing is to be really aware of the dynamics of your relationship w/ your dad and to try to stick to that dynamic in telling him that you're gay. That is to say, if you have an open dialogue going with your dad about personal issues in your life, then maybe you could just slip in that you're gay in some part of a conversation. If you don't have a dialogue going, but you're close and comfortable enough w/ him (and he w/ you) that you could initiate an emotional conversation w/ him, then do it. My dad and I have this weird sort of silent agreement; it's like, yeah, we both know it, so let's not talk about it. I came out to him b/c I just needed to get it off my chest, but since then -- and that was like 3.5 years ago -- we've barely spoken a word about anything having to do w/ homosexuality, let alone me being gay. But if I'm volunteering for some gay-related event or going to a social group for gay people or something like that, then I'm open about it. He just hears where I'm going and says nothing, but I think (I hope!) that slowly he's coming to grips w/ the fact that this is not just a phase. And he'll accept that at his own pace. Lord only knows it took me 20 years to accept it in myself; I can't expect him to do it any faster.
Yeah it's the same way for me too...but back on subject...tired_of_lyring411...first of all...welcome to the forum...and i'm glad your mom is so great about it all...and i would die for a mom like yours...who treats you like her "gay son"...my mom tells me to "stay neutral" which is just a subtle way to tell me to fight it, to not be gay...ugg:icon_frow ...anyway...your mom probably already asked your dad (or could if you asked her to) after seeing something/someone gay on TV something like "what if one of our kids was gay...what would you do?" and just ask it in a non-shilant (spelling?) way so that he'd just think it was an honest question...see his reaction...but just pull your mom aside and ask her...i'm sure she'd be happy to help...
WOW! thanks for all the advice. I've been busy lately so I couldnt respond 'til now. Sorry about the double post BTW, it told me that it didnt work the first time. Yes, I have talked to my mom about it all. She doesnt really know what to expect, And I do trust her when she tells me she never said anything to him (which I asked her to do) I dont want to make it her thing to have to tell. I want to show him that I am comfortable with it enough to tell him myeslf. I have already put my mom through enough with keeping it a secret. All I ask is that she lets me do it my way and stays on my side in all of this. Which I'm sure she will. As for my brother. He is kind of unaccepting of anything that isnt the complete norm, but he also makes fun of fat people when he's obese himself!!! So I wouldnt really use his comments as a gauge. Also, I think that often people are kinda put in the place so that they have to use gay sleurs. If all their friends say it, and they dont know any gay people than they do it without thinking. So I think if they found out what its like (or that their sibling was gay) they could change.
