Hi there! I'm new to these boards and am hoping to get some thoughts about a couple issues bothering me at the moment. My boyfriend and I have done some soul-searching and both think that after we finish school, we are likely to breakup. We are in a secret gay relationship and are fairly certain that it would be met with disapproval by our respective families. It's easy to maintain this relationship as of the moment because we are in close proximity, but in a year or two it will be a challenge because doing so would require him to leave his family often without some legitimate pretext just to see me. He understandably prioritizes his family over this relationship (because it is socially unacceptable and because he feels too attached to his family; they're a very close bunch). It hurts me because I feel like I will always be separate from it, and he thinks that maintaining close ties with them and sustaining our relationship are mutually exclusive. On my end, I don't think it so impossible, and while it would be difficult for my family to accept my being gay, I think that if and when I do come out to them some day, it will still work out. We entertained thoughts of ending our relationship recently, which really worked me up. Initially I wanted to break off from him to spare the future heartache and to start getting over the guy, but I just couldn't do it, and we agreed to keep loving one another in this relationship for as long as it will last til someday it will be forced to dissolve by forces beyond our control. We feel so attached to one another and the thought of parting is so utterly depressing, so we're willing to hold on for as long as we can. While he thinks the inevitable breakup will happen someday, I like to cling on to some hope that just maybe fate has something else better for us in store. Is my head in the clouds? Am I being too idealistic? Should I call it quits now? I don't know and just composing these lines is already working me up again. I recently told him that in order to justify staying in this relationship, I needed a glimmer of hope, even if very small, that we could be a long-term couple, if not life-long partners. I guess his pragmatism gave way to just a little bit of my idealism when he agreed to at least being open to the possibility, though I wish somehow he could better convince me of a strong commitment. Another issue I've been dealing with is that also recently during a heart-to-heart while everything was laid out on the table after our near breakup, he also said that he wanted to stop having sex. (We've never engaged in any sort of penetration, and by sex we just refer to anything leading up to ejaculation. Please forgive me if that offends anyone.) He wants it to be more "God-centered" and would rather that we just limit our physical intimacy to kissing. I've tried to probe more deeply as to his true motives because this seemed a bit strange and just too abrupt for me, and it's kind of bothering me. He's always been the one to have the bigger libido between us, though sometimes in the middle of making out he'd turn his eyes to the side as if in contemplation, an expression that turns me off because it looks as though he's bored. He'd always tell me that it was nothing, though recently he admitted to me that sometimes in those instances he'd think to himself that we shouldn't be kissing the way we were. He doesn't really offer anything beyond saying that premarital sex is bad and we should be more God-centered, which we have been to some degree (e.g. praying together). I know celibate relationships can still be successful but physical intimacy is important to any romantic relationship. I certainly hope the kissing will be enough but only time will tell. I'm just more at a loss to his sudden change of heart and I wish he would open up more about it, if there really is something deeper behind this. We're both each other's first partner and he says that acquiring STDs is not something he's worried about. I guess it's a little more complicated than I let on. I'm just overwhelmed by the thought of explicating every single factor in detail. But I'd really appreciate any insight anyone can offer for now. Thanks so much.
>_< In the end I guess, he'll have to do one of two things: #1. Decide whether his family or you are more important #2. Be stubborn and keep everything together: tell his family that he's gay, stick by them even though they may be against him, they should eventually warm up to him. At the same time, he can stay with you... I think #2 could work... Couldn't it? I dunno, if your boyfriend is always in the closet for the rest of his life, all his relationships will end like this sorta. You both love each other lots, and he loves his family too of course. His family should realize that he is more important than what they think the bible says. I know there are some anti-gay stuff in there... I'm Christian myself. But I deal with that by thinking that it's what was believed in the past, waaaaaay back. And if you think about it, 2 people being with each other because they love each other is quite right, it's waaaaay better than murdering someone or whatever. I personally don't think it's a sin. And about the sex thing... I dunno, you'll have to sort that out with him. I'm sorry, I can't really help here. I'm just a kid who's in a mutually first-time relationship, and the most we've done is hold hands ._. Just my thoughts, hope they help you and him
You want to fuck. He doesn't. That's going to be a problem down the line no matter which way you look at things. Sounds like he may just be a biblical Christian, dude. The bible and most non-evangelical churches (read: intelligent ones) will tell you that there is nothing wrong with being gay so much that the physical intimacy is forbidden. For example, the Catholic church understands homosexuality to be innate, but believes that God calls gay men to celibate lives. If you want my opinion, whatever God is out there, the bible is man's word, not a deity's. There's no way you could believe the bible is God's word and also believe that gay sex is permitted. If he believes so, he's gonna have to pick between you and his religion. A sexless relationship is not going to work if one of you wants it and the other doesn't. Such differences in religious belief can prove to be irreconcilable. I would advise the breakup and move on as fast as you can.
Your boyfriend is deeply conflicted because he believes that gay sex is wrong. This is what he has been taught by his family, and his church. Unless and until that changes, there is not much long-term hope for your relationship. You might ask him if he would be willing to attend a more gay-friendly church with you. It sounds like religion is important to him. (If you belong to a religion in which God forbids your relationship, how can you have a God-centered relationship? How can God be at the center of a relationship He forbids?) The problem isn't his family. It's him. He believes this himself.
Do the both of you realize if you remain in this relationship you risk falling deeper in love and you might not end it. and i of course don't mean for you to end it because of that.
You are being incredibly idealistic. I say this not necessarily because of the current state of your relationship and the obstacles it faces, but, rather, due to the fact that the vast majority of people, gay or straight, simply do not end up with their first boyfriend or girlfriend. If you can accept this fact of life, then you should stay with your boyfriend for as long as circumstances will allow. This more realistic approach would also require you to redefine, in a major way, what a successful relationship means to you. You seem to think that the only way that a relationship can be a success is if you end up together for a long, long time. Regardless of how this turns out, you have learned a lot about yourself, like your wants and your needs, which will surely help you later on in life with other relationships. You have loved someone deeply, and that person has also loved you back. You have grown together emotionally and spiritually. All those things must count for something, don't you think? You should cherish the time you have together (while realizing that it is probably coming to an end soon) and be thankful for how much it has enriched you life. If you can accept this more realistic approach, then, again, you should stay together. If, however, you are set on hoping against hope that you will somehow end up with this guy for a long time to come, then I would suggest that you break up with your boyfriend right away. Yes, the pain will be great, but it will be greater if you allow him to string you along given that he's made it abundantly clear that his family, his religion, and his own religious convictions are more important to him than you. The sooner that you can begin to heal and move on with your life the better.
I went through a very similar thing with my first girlfriend. We had a secret relationship because she didn't want her mom to find out. Her mother is extremely homophobic and she was scared shitless. I believed wholeheartedly that we would be together for a long time, that we would move in together after she graduated high school. I believed that one day things would work out for us. They didn't. Her mom found out and we had to break up. I think you are better off moving on from this guy. You might feel strongly about him now, but eventually a rift will emerge between you guys. You feel like the relationship is ready for a more intimate level. He doesn't because of his religious beliefs. About the religion. He isn't going to change his religion for you. He has been raised to believe a certain way and his family believes the same thing. It will be easier for him to break your heart than to go against his family. There's nothing wrong with being optimistic and not wanting to kill a good thing. But you need to get out of this relationship. It is just going to cause you stress in the future and it will break your heart 20 times more when that happens. When you go to college there will be many more people to associate with. What if you're in the relationship and you meet a great guy who doesn't mind being open about the relationship? A guy who isn't afraid of sexual intimiacy. A guy that wants to take you home to meet his parents. Which one sounds better? I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't want to see anyone else suffer through what I suffered through. It's totally draining. You'll make it through (*hug*)
Ahh, here we go: If you think he can come out to his parents and also prioritize you as well, and you ask him and he confirms that, I would give it a shot. People can change their perspectives on their religion and stuff. But if you don't think he will, and he says he won't... That would be too bad It's just... everyone's saying you should break up with him to avoid inevitable heartbreak. But what if it's not inevitable? What if you and him have such a strong bond that you both can overcome the religious struggles and the family struggles? Maybe I'm just inexperienced and naive, but these are my thoughts. Hope they helped, good luck
1)How long have you guys been seeing each other? 2)How old are you two? 3)It sounds like you two are pretty close and to be having a discussion on this level means you are in a deep relationship. The next level for you two to take is to come out, plain n simple. I think the fear of coming out is keeping you guys from seeing into the future as a couple. 3 years from now where do you see each other? Still in the closet? Together? Apart but out of the closet? You two need to switch the conversation about family and relationship deadlines to coming out or staying in. What is the point in playing this hide n seek game from your folks? It will tear the relationship apart. You two are happy together and your immediate family deserves the respect to know about it whether they like it or not. Start talking about coming out or start packing your bags. I hope it works out for you two.
IMO, I agree... cut your loses ASAP. It just seems as though is is slowly breaking it off with you. Trust your first instincts and let it go. Hard...yep - Worth it eventually --- Yep.
Thanks for the input everyone! I guess my line of thinking is that if we're happy now, then why end a good thing for something that hasn't happened yet, if ever (though likely) it will. Just maybe the time we have left together will be inspiration enough to effect some positive, unexpected change in the seeming trajectory of this relationship. To end it now would just dash all hope, and I guess I'm determine to extract every bit of wisdom and happiness that I can from what we have together now, while it is still so loving. I realize this may only hurt me even more so in the end, but I've come to accept that love always requires a level of vulnerability which is why it's always so risky--yet potentially so fulfilling. I know this is the idealist/romantic in me speaking. I've always been this way by personality. I don't know how to deny it. Heaven knows I've tried ahrd to do so, especially when seriously entertaining thoughts of breaking up. But I just can't do it. It feels so impossible. I love him so much. It's been over a year now, and each time he reaches for my hand in the corner of a dark theater to hold it...I still get goosebumps every single time. Sex isn't a huge part of our relationship. But by the responses focusing on it maybe I've given that impression. He's always been the more sexual one so his sudden change of heart just took me aback. I'll support his decision and just see what happens. ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2011 at 06:28 AM ---------- Hehe I'm pretty inexperienced, and probably naive, myself. It's okay. We'll learn. Thank you for that response, radiantdawn. I like to cleave to the same hope. ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2011 at 06:31 AM ---------- Yes, Cardenio. You're so right. Thank you.
We need to see this in a "Titanic" perspective. Will he stay in the lifeboat with his family, or will he jump after you? and if not, would you really want to be in a relationship where he didn't jump? It seems like some of the passion is missing, since he is choosing his family over you. Have a talk or a fight! Take fate in your own hands! It seems like you are the one in the relationship working towards a solution, while your bf just awaits the end of your love. Be the jack, convince him to jump! If not, remember, that all the great love stories like Moulin Rouge, Romeo & Juliet and Titanic didn't last for long. Maybe you guys where fated to be together, but only for a little while, and then your time passed. Love is about choices, and you 2 have a choice to make. But most importantly, create your own happy ending, don't let some guy drag you down!(*hug*)
I suppose that like everything in life, nothing is 100% certain, and there are no guarantees. This is just another one of those things where really only time will tell. We are committed to one another now, open to the probability that we will breakup someday, but also to the possibility (however improbable) that we will stick together. I almost lost him several nights ago when I thought it might be best to end us now so as to prevent greater future heartache. At some point I realized that I was just trying too hard to gain too much control, to assure myself of a predetermined future. But our relationship is still growing, still learning, still maturing. If it were likened to young tree, we can only do so much to keep it strong and thriving: by watering it everyday, and giving it sunlight. Slowly but surely it will grow, but one day a big storm may come to knock it down. Everyday my bf and I tend to this tree, our relationship. By our actions and our words, we feed it love so that it grows and becomes stronger. Storms will come. That is a guarantee. Many have come already and yet it still stands. (Let me just interject here to apologize for the cloying, excessively cheesy analogy. I'm giggling as of the moment, lol.) We don't know what will come ahead, but the best we can do now is to continue to nourish it with our love and affection. But beyond such a future-oriented objective, we simply enjoy it now, the shade and fruit it bears--the comfort, happiness and love it provides. Regardless of its uncertainties, it is still a very awesome place to be in.
what is wrong with cheesy?? Its a great metaphor for what you guys are going threw. Storms will come, icebergs will hit! just hang in there <3
Hmmm thanks Scandinavian. Maybe we'll go watch Titanic together sometime. I kind of want to, now, haha.
I have actually. Three or four times, hehe. But not yet with the bf. Can you recommend any good queer films?
What kind of queer films are you referring to? As far as I can tell, there are two distinct types. First, there are those that make you go, "Awww, that's very cute/sweet/tender!" And then there are also those movies that make you think, "Whoa! That sure is a lot of sex for a non-pornographic film." I'm guessing that you want recommendations about queer films of the first kind since your boyfriend seems to have some religious and/or moral objections to gay sex. Am I correct in making that assumption?
We've seen a number of them and our favorites involve the ones with actually decent plots hehe. Our favorites are Latter Days, Prayers for Bobby, and Trick. The first two have religious underpinnings and we loved those. But generally anything with a not-so-abstract plot...one that we easily understand, would be nice. Thanks!
In that case, have you guys seen Save Me (Robert Cary, 2007)? It sounds like you both would enjoy it.
