My confused life... Am I alone in being lost for so long?

Well in a way sexuality does confine you to who you are physcially attracted to. But that does not mean it confines to who you are MENTALLY attracted to. From what I can tell the older EC'ers who were married than gay were able to get married becasue they at least mentally did love their wives.

I'm not attracted to every guy I meet. Sometimes my friends are like, "Well he's cute" and my reaction would be, "I don't seeit." And sometimes after meeting someone my attraction for them can completely disappear.

Of course, there are people out there who completely try to disregard all three (Mainstream? LOL) types of sexuality in hopes of finding something less societally coded and more applicable to how they feel. Such as Pansexuality or Asexuality.

In this sense often what develops is people not having to say their gay because I'm not (reason) (reason) (reason), but instead focus more on who they like.

Perhaps you need to stop thinking GAY as trying to fit within this certain stereotype, ideal, or sexual condition but instead just try to use it to explain who you like. I'm gay because I'm homosexual which means I'm sexual towards my own gender.

I know it's hard but it seems you are on the right track by joining EC. We definatly are here to help

 

Hey Ronny, nice to meet you.

I think first off, you need to stop worrying if you're gay, bi, or straight. Labels are meaningless. Be who you are, whoever that may be, and you'll do good. If you spend your whole time trying to figure out who you are, instead of just being you, you won't go far in the love life.

And you are far from alone. Tons of people around the world are always questioning who they are, why they are that, and who they should be. Tons of people have weird lives, where would the fun be if they didn't?

In my opinion, just be yourself, have fun, and don't worry about labeling yourself. You fall in love with someone? Go for it. True love breaks the foundries of labels, genders, and various other things. Look for love, not labels!

 

That's the perfect attitude. Coming out isn't a chain reaction process but rather sometimes it can be controlled within individual actions. Perhaps you need to get yourself in more comfortable enviroment where you are free to explore your options?

It's not easy but anyone can do it!

 

I've had similar confusions, but the one way I know I'm bi is because I've gotten hard ons from girls before just by grinding on them at a night club, them stroking my face (at my cousin's funeral nonetheless, thus it was the last thing I'd want), and once on a date. My experience is still not a lot due to being shy most of my life. But I do know girls have made me hard and I've thought sexually about girls (including wet dreams). However, I spring wood from pictures/videos of topless guys when alone - but that's never happened around my friends or guys in public. Thus, still placing myself on the kinsey scale - just know it's at least a 3 with probably leanings towards a 2 and at times a 4. I think the easiest way to answer this is - have you ever felt anything towards a girl that a gay guy probably wouldn't? Growing up who did you develop "feelings" for - guys you liked, or girls you liked? Etc. Did you have more sexual feelings towards guys or girls - when drunk I felt like making out with a friend too, but only after we couldn't find a girl to back with... I think in the end it's really questions and answers like that, only you'll truly know which way you lean more. Have you felt a "pull" towards girls or only to guys?

 

Welcome to EC!

Let's say you were straight for a second. But the only type of woman you found attractive was (to pick a random example) a very bookish, nerdy type. Glasses, hair done up, plain dressed, rather skinny, not many curves. Would you think "I can't be straight, because I'm only interested in this type of woman"? No, you'd presumably just say you were straight...and then go hang out the library a lot.

"Gay" means one thing, and one thing only - the people you're sexually attracted to are guys. That's it. That's all. Everything else about being gay is optional. Not just "liking party music", or "having good fashion sense", or "not being good at sports"...but also "I attracted to THESE types of guys". You don't have to find twinks, or porn star actors, or bear types attractive in order to be gay. You just have to dig guys. It doesn't matter what type they are.

You say you're worried that you wouldn't be able to perform with a guy. And I'd say there's a huge change that you're right on the money on that guess. But it wouldn't be because you're not gay. It'd be because you're kind of tied up in knots on this whole topic. If you headed to the bedroom with a guy tonight, you'd probably be thinking heavily about whether this encounter would "prove" anything one way or the other. And, of course, you'd be quite paranoid that you'd once more be unable to "perform".

But here's the thing - sex is supposed to be fun.

Let me move it away from sex for a sec. Let's say you were anxious to find out what sport you were best suited to play. You might decide it could be tennis. At which point, you might go out and test out racquets. And look up playing techniques. And look for the ideal tennis shoes for you. And then, when you finally got out on the court, with every hit of the ball, you'd be wondering if that decent shot meant you found the right sport...or if every foot fault meant that you were completely on the wrong track.

But if your friend asked you to play tennis with him - even if you never played before - you'd probably say "Sure, OK". You'd toss on some shorts and a T-shirt, borrow a racquet, and have a good time...even if you sucked at it.

Sex is the same way. I was pretty bad my first time, and my partner was worse (it was his first time, too). I've since compared it to two buses repeatedly ramming into each other. We had no idea what we were doing, and he was a little too careless with the use of his teeth.

...I still had an amazing time. And the next time, I was better at it. And I enjoyed myself even more.

You seem to think you might be gay. Fine - run with that. Be gay for awhile. Try it on, and see what happens. Look in the mirror each morning and say "I'm gay". Think gay thoughts. Look at guys (surreptitiously). Look at porn - whatever type of guys turn you on. Try it out for a couple weeks, and see how it fits.

As for the sex? You might consider therapy, but I don't think it's absolutely necessary. What you WOULD need is an understanding partner. Somebody who knows where you're coming from, and knows what to expect. To wit - you've tried it with women a couple times, with little success, and you're worried that your first encounters with a guy will yield the same result. With an understanding partner, this won't cause him to run for the hills. He'll just know what to expect. Somebody nervous, scared, who possibly won't get hard, and probably won't reach orgasm. I've had sex with guys in that position. Guess what? Still had a good time. And so did they.

Lex

 

Hi Ronny,
I am 37 and just discovering that I am gay. Similar story I guess. I never dated in high school because none of the accessible guys appealed to me. Didn't think anything of it. Had crushes on guys- but it was their character I was attracted to, not so much a physical lust. Maybe that should have been a clue but I just thought my standards were 'higher' somehow... Oh well.
Don't worry about your performance. Because when you find someone you are seriously attracted to in every way- it won't be 'performing'.

 

This thread is full of the pure type of win I was looking for.
Ronny, I totally understand where your coming from. For the most part my story parallels yours, but I was in the internet generation, and instead of partying spent a lot of my time raiding dungeons in a video game (goodbye best years of my life /cry). I went through the same situation in high school, and just generally thought that I just without a real sexual desire because I really didn't find women sexual stimulating. I love the way you phrased it, how you knew what made a woman attractive or beautiful, or aesthetically pleasing, but there was never a real moment of lust/desire for them.

Where you went for the gothic scene, I fell in with the internet community of furries. It was there that I started to question my sexuality. Yeah... and thats a long story... anyway, lets just say that I had experiences that made me pretty sure that I wasn't a straight guy. This then put me in the mode of thinking you have: If>I am gay>Then> why don't I find all guys attractive? This was a question that I was just beginning to explore when I came across this site, and I find Lex's answer to be a satisfactory one. Its just frustrating that there isn't a more effective way to convey these ideas to one another. The fact that such things are so subjective irritates my skeptical mind to no end. The idea of "just knowing" or having something "feel right" didn't make any sense to me.

Another problem I had was the fact that I was nothing like any of the gay guys I knew. I mean I act weird, but no stranger than any of my other friends. Whereas the gay guys I knew were just very different. To broaden my exposure I joined an LGBT group in my local area and started going to their meetings. There I met mostly older gay guys, and found out that there was absolutely no defining behavior or tie beyond just the fact that they loved other men. They sample group was composed of almost an identical spectrum of personalities combination of individuals that I know in the, mostly hetero, groups that I am a part of.

I have to admit that I was really hoping to be able to find a way to prove one way or the other if I was gay/bi/straight with some sort of litmus test, but everywhere I look the advice suggests that given time you will discover the truth. I was seriously considering spending a lot of money discussing this with a therapist, but the more I spent time considering it the less I felt the need to see one. Behold the power of the internet! Anyway Good Luck with your personal journey Ronny, and thank you for posting here what I couldn't find the words to say on my own.