As i said in my intro post i'm 21 and still in the closet. The problem i have is that i live in a town that doesn't seem to have any gay people and the only events that seem to happen arround this area are nights out which seem to just be places for guys to hook up for sex and thats not what I want at this time. I suppose this is why i'm here as i don't have anyone in the real world to talk to i'm trying the virtual one. Back to the point (or actually onto it for the first time I've always thought i'd end up emergrating at some point in my life but recently i've been giving it more thought and Canada keeps poping up as the best place to go. I'm just worried though that i'm thinking about this not because it's the best thing for me to do in life but instead that i just want to escape this country and the people anti-gay views and well it just seems like running away. I have considered coming out but i cannot think of who i could tell. All my mates seem rather anti-gay, it seems that this whole area has a complex about it's sexuality and it's a great insult to be called gay. Then there's my folks who i know will go through the roof as my mum once told me and my bro that she was glad we weren't gay as she didn't know what she'd do if we were. I have considered my sister-in-law but i'm not sure telling the family first is a good idea. I'm not even sure what i'm asking just looking for someone to talk everything through with really. Hope someone can help me and my rambling mind.
Nothing against Canada, but what made you decide Canada? And are you currently attending college or thinking about it?
Well like nk1114 asked, why Canada? Is there a particular reason, or just some random place? I think what you need to do have a conversation with your closest/least homophobic friend. Try and somehow steer the subject to gays, possibly talk about a 'gay friend' or similar to understand his true feelings. Remember, the insults 'gay' and 'fag' are pretty much equal to 'dickhead' or 'wanker'. People don’t think before saying these words, they are just mindless insults. Just because someone calls you a fag, doesn’t mean they hate gays. Anyway, back to your friend, try talking to him alone, that way he isn’t influenced by anyone who IS homophobic. If you discover that he has no problem with gays, or doesn’t react negatively towards the conversation, a good idea is to 'test the water with your toe, before jumping in' so to speak. A good way to do this is to bring up the possibility that you aren’t straight. Possibly by saying something like "I think I might be bi". That way, you’re not a full blown homosexual in his mind, and you can always retract the statement if he reacts badly. For example, if he calls you a fag or gets angry, you can say 'I don’t really know, im just confused, Im probably not but I didn’t want to rule it out' etc. If he shows support, you can put your legs in the water. Explain to him your feelings and emotions, and possibly lead on to the fact that your more gay than bi. It might take some time, but hopefully you'll be able to talk to him about your issues, and eventually tell him that you’re fully gay (it can take some time before admitting that). Hopefully it will be easier with your other friends if you have support. Just remember the best thing to do is to take it slow, there's no rush (unless you discover he's gay too ) And remember, if things go wrong, you've always got Canada. Good Luck, and let us know how it goes Dave
I agree with the other responses so far - You shouldn't rush into something as serious as immigration. Still, Canada is a great country, and (most of it) is very gay-friendly - especially the larger cities like Toronto or Vancouver. I would recommend that you try before you buy - perhaps do a semester abroad there, or work there on a temporary visa for a couple of months, to see whether you really like it...
Hi Andy, As one of the 'oldies' from the other place, I thought I'd throw some of my views into the pot. If you haven't read Seth's Coming Out Guide then I'd give it a go. Having gone through questioning your sexuality and then finally accepting it about 6 months ago, you are now at the stage where you WANT/NEED to tell someone else, and I think you're quite right in not wanting to tell your family yet. Judging by their possible reaction, you need to have a good support circle around you to help you deal with that - but of course it doesn't sound like you're gonna get it from your current set of friends. This in turn is not allowing you to move forward with your life..... .....which is why 'running away' to another country seems to be a good option. Unfortunately, no matter how 'gay-friendly' towns / countries are, you will always get discrimination and hostility in some form that you will have to deal with. You also have to consider what happens when you return to this country and meet family and friends again. Like you, I hate the scene for similar reasons, but I have many gay friends who aren't on the scene, and I think for you to be able to move forward, you need to gather a 2nd circle of gay/bisexual/open-minded friends. If you google "gay support" it will give you support and social groups (not awaydays for sex etc). There should be one near you that can help. And of course, you have everyone here at EC.com. I think you're very clued up and sensible, and you almost answer your own questions before you've asked them. You know what you need to be doing, but you haven't got that 'someone' next to you agreeing with you. I can't tell you what you should do, but I CAN tell you that you already have support in your next stages of 'coming out'. I know you want to get on with life now that you've accepted your sexuality, but like the others say 'baby steps first!!!'. Don't rush into things.
Cicero is right about Vancouver. It's a great place and has a very active gay community. But I also agree with him about emmigrating from the US. Visiting for a while, first, might be prudent. Leaving your country is a big step. Good luck! :icon_wink
Thanks everyone for your advice, it's helped me sort my thoughts out quite a lot. I think your right David in that i need to find a second group of friends who i can talk to about all this. Cheers again peeps. As for why Canada well i've been thinking about leaving England since i was ikle and for a while i always thought i'd end up in America. But recent events have made me re-think whether i want to be and American, i like the people but i've been getting doub'ts. So anyway recently I started to think about Canada and everything i've talked to whose been there loves the place. The first step of course is to visit the place so i'm gonna try to save up and go a the end of the year.
Canada is awesome and Vancouver is the best. I've been all over the US and it just doesn't compare. Well, maybe San Francisco but that's probably the least American part of America. It's worth visiting first but I bet if you do, you'll love it.
Oh yeah... and wanting to leave your country isn't necessarily running away. I think it can be good for some people to try out different places in the world. I'm certainly glad I've travelled as much as I have and am somewhat disappointed that I've only ever lived in one city. Although that may be changing soon...
I would not move until you have sorted out things with your current group of friends. Just leaving them because you fear their reaction to your sexuality, or because you aren't getting what you feel you need from them, will not ultimately be the best thing. Even if you are not comfortable coming out to anyone, it may be helpful to have a talk with some of your friends, and just tell them you're having some problems and would appreciate some support. If they don't know you are having a hard time, they can't offer any help/support. Perhaps if you did this first, it may open the door for some intimate talks over time, and then the right time to come out will present itself. There is not anything wrong with moving (I have moved five times in the last three years...), but leaving with unresolved issues means that you are taking these problems to the next place you live. There are different benefits to different countries/towns, but there is no perfect one either. It's probably best to stay put for now and try talking to some friends first. Hope evetything works out!
