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Ran back in the closet and peeking out of the peep hole!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Princecharming, Mar 18, 2006.

  1. Princecharming

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    Coming out in my situation is harder than most. I'm in college now, 18 and have been with guys and girls and I know that im bi-sexual. This is and will not be tolerated amongst some of my peers and family. In high school I was "openly gay" to all of my friends and peers. I felt that being who i was and not hiding from the truth was the best approach. Honesty is the best policy right? wrong? I lost a majority of my guy friends they wouldn't let me play sports with them, hang out with them, they wouldn't even sit too close to me in class anymore. As if I was a freak and homosexuality is a contagious. I was embarrassed. Not only had i lost popularity but I lost my best two friends because they felt I had been lying to them the whole time I was in the closet. And that friends don't lie to friends. It wasn't that I was lying it was that I wasn't sure who I wanted to be, and didn't want to raise alarm for something that was just a phase or a one time thing. So the last few months of high school were a horrid mess. I was an outcast and could only hang out with the other gay teenagers. I regretted coming out since the day I did it. I was so upset maybe even devastated that I had lost so much so quickly, and thought maybe it would have been better to lie to myself in the closet surrounded by fake friends then to be truthful to myself with none
    Some the summer came and went and I started college this fall. I vowed to myself never to come out of the closet again. I was starting a brand new life, with brand new people who knew nothing about who and what I was in high school. I didn't want to be alone anymore. I wanted to play basketball with guys and be included in the "reindeer games", and do all the stuff that i missed out on in high school. its now the middle of spring here and everything had gone well, I was one of the guys again. I played sports with the guys, i partyed with the guys, i slept in the same bed with the guys and I felt excepted! Like ive always wanted to be! They didn't have to or need to know I love boys!!! I mean i don't have a crush on any of them so hey whatever!
    Now of course there is a downside. I feel like im being untrue and lying to everyone! And i am!!! I certainly am!!! Im living a huge lie!!! I don't like the girls ive dated since ive been here!!! Im don't want a girlfriend!!! I want a guy, a boyfriend to love and be loved by. but I can't possibly come out to my friends! They have all voiced their opinions on gay people. My roommates especially. One even went as far as saying that gay people are freaks they weird him out and if God-forbid one of his friends came out to him he would disown them. Another one and I were talking about gay people because of a topic in class and he said that if his child had ever been gay he would literally never speak to him again. I know listen to me "I know" that these friends wouldn't be my friends if i were to tell them i was gay today! I wouldn't want to lose them again like i did in high school its de-ja-vu! I can't lose them again! These are not the type of people i should want to surround myself with but it is! I feel as if I need them! I feel like I rather lie to myself for an eternity and never have inner peace with myself then to be alone again. I want a boyfriend to be here for me so bad so we can LOVE each other but not at the expense of my newfound friendships!!!
    I want to come out to my parents but again its not that simple! Thanks God!!! It never got back to them about me being gay in high school! The REALLY have no clue! The reason why it'll be so hard to come out to my parents most of all is because of my upbringing. I was taught that gay people go to hell! No if, and or buts about it! Do I believe it? I just don't know! I want to believe that I won't go to hell for being myself but thats not what I was taught. My mom is a baptist minister and my dad is a master sergeant in the air force... We are a strict traditional family There is no room for me to be gay in it. My mom told me that in our family we have what is called a "generational curse". every Generation before me there is the gay guy, and he is always the first born son if each generation of children. I am that first born son. and its true, my uncle the first born son in his generation is gay, and the one before him.... and its been like this for years. So when I was younger my mom did some religious crap to me to break the "generational curse". needless to sau ummm...gee didn't work. She mentioned something about the cursey thingy to me this christmas saying "she is so glad i survived the generational curse" i chuckled and said 'me toO' as she pointed at my flamboyantly gay uncle in his brightly rainbow colored scarf. She is a freakin baptist minister!!! I can't tell he im gay!!! She'll put it in the sermon next freakin sunday!!! Are u kidding me!!! She has always peached such fire and brimstone on gay culture and how wrong it is, but what would she do if he knew her son was homosexual. My dad would skin me alive i won't even go there?
    I feel like such an idiot! I feel like why do I have to be gay? why can't i just like girls and get on with the rest if my life? Should i continue to fake the straight life im so good at doing? how will i ever come out to my parents! I want a boyfriend and be happy to be who I HONESTLY am, but not at the expense of losing the friends i am soo keen to keep. If being myself comes at such a great price i don't want to. Im so confused. Iv'e been gay and out, do i really want to go back to that experience? I don't want to regret! I don't want to be alone!!! I don't want to be me? but I want to be me so bad!!! I don't want to burn in hell for all eternity for being myself!!! HELP!!!
     
  2. jenny2005

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    You seem very conflicted about what action to take next in your life. You say that you want to be straight and lie about your sexuality forever to keep the friends you have made in school- yet you see that that is not making you happy or solving your internal fristrations. The truth is that you are gay and that pretending- or trying to force- being straight has not solved any of your problems. I understand that it seems impossible to come out to the people at school and expect to come away with the same friends. From the comments that you have overheard, it sounds like homosexuality is not welcomed at all and that is also a big negative for trying to come out. I would say, however, that sometimes what people say is not actually what they mean, and that sometimes people say things they think they really mean/believe, but have never been forced to act on their comments. For example, does the friend who said he would never talk to a child of his who was gay, actually have any children? This is to say that maybe they would surprise you if you gave them a chance. The people who have gotten to know you at college like you for who you are.How much of your personality would change if you came out? By remaining closeted, you have shown them parts of your personality they probably wouldn't have taken the time to know had you come out up front- you have shown that you are athletic and also that you don't want to sleep with any of them or date them. You have been their friend. I would not be too quick to assume that if you sat down and had a serious conversation about your struggles, you would immediately loose everyone. High School dynamics are a lot different than those at college, and you are a little older and that helps too.
    If you still are too scared and feel that it is impossible to come out, I would remind you that you are still very young, and that the friends you have in college will most llikely not be the friends you have the rest of your life, or at least the only friends you will ever. So, waiting until you are out of college, and in the corporate world to come out is another option.
    It seems like you are still lonely despite the friends you have made, so it may be that you don't have a truly BEST friend, with whom you can share personal concerns/problems. That could be a focus for the immediate time- finding one person who you really feel comfortable talking to. Also, it is probably easier to come out to one or two people at a time, instead of in one large group because that looses the personal aspect, and the opportunity to talk to them and let them ask questions, etc.
    As for your parents, that is a little more complex as they have very specific convictions about this issue. Firstly, I do not believe that being gay automatically means that you are going to hell. You can have a relationship with God and be saved by Him (thus saving you from Hell), and still feel homosexual feelings. If what is preventing the homosexual from going to heaven is the sin, then no one would get to heaven because everyone sins. I think you asked a good question when you said would she feel as strongly about this if she knew her own son was gay? Although such news would be a great shock and would deeply sadden her, you are still her son, whom she loves. I do not believe, however, that you should come out to her right now. Wait for a time in your life when you are more stable and confident in the decisions that you have made.
    Ultimately, there is no painfree way to admit to yourself and others that you are gay. If you stay in the closet you feel repressed, and like you are living a lie. Coming out will require sacrifice, but it will also give you the reward of freedom and relief. You may not be ready to take that step, but don't think that at 18, you day will never come.

    Good Luck!
     
  3. tired_of_lying411

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    Wow. Your really making me feel lucky. The truth is that you CAN'T lie. Isn't it better to come out and see what happens, maybe some of the people that you think would abandon you wont. And the ones who do AREN"T your real friends. No matter how good it makes you feel. Like me and every other human, you want to be accepted. You are living a life where you could believeably be straight and expected to be. But there ARE people out there who WILL be your friend, boyfriend, etc, who WILL accept you for who you are truely, no matter what your sexuality.
    There will come a time when you have a relationship and those 'friends' of yours are going to find out. You deserve people who care about the REAL you. You deserve to be truthfull to yourself and you deserve to have love.
    The love that the REAL YOU wants.
    Dont keep a fake life going for a group of people that really arent good friends. They dont deserve it from you
     
  4. Endlessnight500

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    Yeah, I'm Having the exact same problem. I dont know what to do either, but i wanted you to kno that your not alone. And its hard to come back out a 2nd time when the first time was horrable. Well if you figure things out let me kno, mabey you can help me threw it too, you should read my comming out story, called I'M LOST, mabey we can help each other.
     
  5. southernboy

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    I also am with you. 26 and out to one person (a very good friend, but we never talk about it). But I am a very southern, proper and frat type of guy, so me being gay will be a big shock (it was the first time at least) to a lot of people.
    I went all though college in the closet and wouldn't trade it for anything. I have many good friends because of it. Just wait, be patient and the time will come when you feel more comfortable...trust me, it will get better (at least in your own mind, when you better accept everything yourself).
    As for your parents, not that I am any authority, but wait till you are financially independent, when you can tell anyone to go f-off if you feel like it. That gives you more of a confidence and self-determination than being on someones payroll who may cut you off.
    Finally, if God wanted me dead, why am I here? I think of this is a very Descarte way (the philosopher) that, I think therefore I am. That is all I know for sure. God may hate me, he may not care at all, but he did create me. Why create something and waste all that time and energy just to banish me to hell? I know logic and religion don't exactly mesh, but I do not think God hates me. I think Jesus' true point was that God does love us all, no matter what we do (even if our parents don't). Think of this: the Bible was written in ancient hebrew, translated to Latin, translated to German, translated to English. Each translation was done by a priest with a King or Pope overseeing it. Even assuming NOTHING is lost in translation (which I find very hard, considering the best translation of "sombrero" is "a really big floppy cowboy hat"), do we honestly think that just one guy didn't add something in there that God may not have actually wanted in the Bible? Is man that nobel and honest? If he was, I would not be writing to you now. That is what I think.

    -guy
    p.s. I am also scared and a little stir crazy, but getting better.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Wow.

    First, I'm really glad you've found us here at EmptyClosets! This is where you need to be! Welcome! :smilewave

    Secondly, as I always say to the younger new-comers - you're SO LUCKY that you've developed an awareness to your sexual orientation so early in life! I was much older when I came to realize that I was gay - and repressing that for so long had some pretty unfortunate consequences for me...

    Next? Well, that's up to you. You do sound quite conflicted, but if you've NEVER had any support or anyone to talk to about all this, then of course you're going to have questions and uncertainties. That's why this is such a great site for you! There are lots of young guys here that are in the same situation, or have been there recently. You've already had a couple respond here.

    So hang out here for a while. Get even more comfortable with who you are and what you want. Nobody says you have to 'come out' to anyone, ever. It sounds like you might want to, but that will be up to you. Your experience in here with some 'virtual friends' might show you that such friendly, supportive, open minded people DO exist, and that you'd likely be able to find the same on campus if you looked for them.

    And your family? Yikes! Not the greatest situation, for sure. However (I'm always looking for the silver lining!!! :icon_bigg ), you did indicate that your gay uncle was present with your family this past Christmas! So despite her views that she preaches on Sunday, you're mom is accepting enough to spend time with her openly gay (rainbow scarf?!? :grin: ) brother. You might be amazed at how accepting she is of her own son...

    As a dad (yes - read some of my other posts! :icon_wink ), I could never appreciate the love that a parent has for their child until I had my own children. Its undescribable. You might be pleasantly surprised - even with your dad...

    On the chance though that you aren't - maybe it is wise to wait a while before coming out to them.

    At any rate - welcome to EC. I hope you find the help and support that you need, and that you can take some strength from the rest of us, and find some peace in the 'fellowship' we have here. (*hug*)
     
  7. 24601

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    Good God, some of you people need to see the joys of the enter button. Running face first into a giant wall is not fun! Anyway, my rudeness aside...

    I think even though your first coming out experience sucked, people are not all the same. Your new group of people may be more accepting, or maybe you should find a group of people who is more accepting. You are who you are, and you shouldn't have to change because a group of asshole "friends" claims that you are wrong. You are not wrong and know you're not wrong. They are. You don't have to stand for their crap and you can still be a "man," regardless of what they say.

    The closet's getting cramped again, I think it's time to get some fresh air! I know this will sound harsh, but you're being rather cruel to the girls you're dating. You don't want them, so why put them through the trouble of going out with you and the resultant break up, if you know how it's going to turn out beforehand? At the very least, just ditch the girlfriend thing unless you find someone you're actually interested in.

    The family situation is a whole other matter. Just because I recommend you come out in college, I do not necessarily advocate you coming out to your family, based on what you said in your original post. I think you have a better idea of what to do than I do. I agree somewhat with Jim - people often change if they're confronted face to face with reality. I thought my parents hated gay people as well - they always made cruel jokes and taught me similar values. Yet, when I came out to them, most of that stopped and they seem quite accepting now. People's beliefs aren't set in stone, but only you can decide if your parents are malleable enough to accept you at this point in your life.

    Lastly, in your situation, EC is your best friend. :grin: We're all close here and everyone's welcoming and accepting. So, welcome, have fun, and good luck!
     
  8. funky Phantom

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    I know this is a very old thread, but I have a young FB friend who finds himself in almost exactly the same situation as you had on this post. I try my best but there are times when I am at a loss for what to say to try and help. Is there any help or advice you could give me to pass along. I would be so grateful.
    Thanks
    Brian.
     
  9. DelvSeigible

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    LoL trust me you want to go outside... gods know how much time i spend coup up away from society simply because I lie about my gender or allow people to say that I am a man.