This is going to be rather long, so be warned. Okay, where to start... My school has a Young Republicians Club, which I am a part of (DON'T SHOOT ME! I'M A DEMOCRAT! BUT THIS IS THE ONLY POLITICAL CLUB IN MY SCHOOL!), and last Friday we took a field trip to my state capitol building. Now, the president of the club is an out gay kid (Let's call him J) who use to be my best friend, but we drifted apart because he's two years older than me. Anyways, on this trip, we started talking again, mainly about politics, which we both have the same opinions on (he's a Democrat as well. And president of the club. Ironic, isn't it?) We went from talking about abortion to marijuana to, eventually, gay rights. And, towards the end of the trip, I came out to him. It was amazing, I found another friend that I could be myself completely around. And he's kind of cute, but let's not linger on that. So, anyways, I get to school today, and my best friend (this girl is one of the only people who know I'm gay. Let's call her V.) comes up to me and tells me she got some texts messages from a couple guys that were on the trip asking if I was gay. She told them no, and asked where they got that idea and one of them said it was from J. Now, this scared the shit out of me. I thought I could trust this guy, and he turns around and tells them that? Okay, fast forwards later on in the day. I here the guys talking about some secret that they won't let me in on, but I know it was about me. And then at lunch, one of my friends comes up to me and says he's heard all these rumors and wanted to ask me straight-up if I was gay. He did it really nicely, and actually seemed like he would have been okay with it, a shocker to me. But, I lied and told him no. I'm an actor, so I think I was convincing, but I'm sure they still suspect. V was a big help, she kept telling people know and screaming at people who thought I was gay. Even went and punched J. I love her. Anyways, I'm having this terrible day and I'm wondering who knows and who doesn't know and all this shit. Finally, I text J and asked him what the hell was up and why he told my secret. I thought for sure, seeing as he was gay, that he would know that was not something you told other people without a person's consent. He text back, completely mad, saying that it was all lies and that it was just the two guys assuming and that he told them nothing. The way he put it, I'm really inclined to believe him. Plus, these guys are known to say someone said something when they didn't. And it does seem unlikely that J would have told on me. So, my day was spent worrying and panicking and even crying in the bathroom a little bit. I really started thinking about coming out to my family. Because once my family knows I'm gay, I really don't care who else knows. The entire school could know, and I wouldn't care. Actually, things would be a lot simpler. I could try to start a GSA. I could support LGBT rights. It would be good. But, my family would find out if I came out to the school (my sister is a teacher) so I feel as though I should tell them first. And that is the real reason I'm making this post. I'm divided on that. On one hand, I feel like I'm ready, and yet, I still can't imagine having that conversation. Let me tell you a little about my family. Both my parents are Republicans, but, my mother knows many gay people (my school's police/safety officer is a lesbian, as well as my biology teacher, for two). One of her friends when she went to school was gay, though she didn't find out until years later. Now, I've never once heard her talk bad about these people. Actually, she says they are good people, that they're sweet and stuff. The only thing that concerns me is she says "I don't agree with their choice of lifestyle, but they are good people". Yeah, you saw it. Choice. My dad is not super macho like other dads. He doesn't hunt, he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke. Nothing. He was a band nerd and is now a computer programmer. But, he does have high blood pressure and a bit of a temper. Now, we love to watch American Idol, and I remember he was pissed when Clay Aiken and Adam Lambert didn't win because people didn't vote for them because of their sexuality. He thought that was so stupid. But, I still can't imagine having that conversation with him... I've never heard either one of my parents use homophobic slurs or insult homophobic people. It's actually something we never really talk about. My big sister is a teacher at my school. She has always been the most like me, and I suspect that she would be okay with it. She, out of all my family, has always thought I was gay. Now, when one of my other gay friends came out, she was real supportive and caring. I probably could tell her. My little sister wouldn't care. But. My big brother. Now, this scares me a bit. He is a Baptist minister. But, also, he's my best friend, has been since I was born. We relate so much to each other. I love him. But I wonder if he would accept me. Occasionally, when joking around, he will use words like gay and faggot. He doesn't mean it insultingly, but he still uses them. I remember when the last Glee episode aired and we were talking about it. He was disgusted with the gay kiss. That hurt me a lot. But, on one note, he's a Democrat... So, now I'm wondering if I should come out now. I think it would make my life a lot simpler in some ways, if it turns out okay. My question to you is, do you think I should? And if so, how? Should I tell them all separately. I plan on telling my older sister first, but then I don't know if I should sit my mom and dad down and tell them at the same time, or if I should do it individually. My brother I'll tell last. And if you think I should tell them, what do you suggest the best way would be? I just want to be free to be myself. I don't think they will kick me out if I tell them, I really don't, but it still is a fear. Should I have P-FLAG stuff ready? Stuff they can read, that maybe will help them accept me faster? WHAT SHOULD I DO? I really don't want them to tell my grandparents though. That would be terrible. Okay, I ranted through most of this. I'm sorry. If you read it all, you are amazing. I just really need some help right now. I am so confused on what to do. Please, help. -Kanen
Don't worry it ain't loaded Sometimes the scariest thing about coming out of the closet is once your out you can't go back in. Change is scary whether its coming out, getting a new job, whatever. We get comfortable in the situation we're in, even if its not really a healthy one. Familar is good, even if it hurts, at least it familar pain. If you think you're ready then take the plunge. If your not and someone asks just deny it and remind them of how gossipy high schoolers can be, and you'll be sure and believe all the rumor that float around about them. (hell, you could even start one). Once these kids find something else shiny and new to talk about they'll forget all about your gayness rumor. If you do decide to come out and someone asks just say: "What of it?!" Good luck out there
I don't know man, I can tell you that 15 is pretty early to come out at. I am still waiting. But you seem to be in a pretty good situation. Your school seems to be open to it and there are a couple of gay people in your school to help support you. Whatever you do is permanent, just remember that. If I came out, I would personally try to tell everyone in my family seperately. As for your brother, I would tackle him last. Get your family other family behind you first before trying to talk to your Brother. Overall though, I would not come out yet. But that is completely my personal preference and my situation is different then yours. But either way, we support you! Just know that there are people in your situation and feel free to drop me a wall post if you need anything (&&&) Do what you feel! Follow your instinct, either way you'll come through!
When you're ready How you come out is personal preference and depends how your family does things. Do you normally have 'family meetings'? If not, I would probably tell one at a time or tell your parents together and let it filter through them to your older brother. My husband is a baptist minister and although he still talks about 'choice' he has accepted that I m gay. His understanding is a process and I accept that that's where he's at. It has not changed our relationship significantly. It is totally normal to be nervous and wonder how the people who matter to you will respond. It sounds like you have a pretty accepting family. Don't think that the first instant after you tell them is their final response. Give it time to sink in. I wish you well!
I say go for it! Start with your sister, and then sit down with her and both your parents and have that talk. That sounds like the best way to me. I don't think anyone would react badly in a family setting like that, and you would all be on the same page. Plus, that's one less time you have to come out to someone. If you're worried about your brother, you don't necessarily have to be the one to tell him. I came out to my mom, and she was so shocked/mad that she went and told most of my family within two days, which was weird but it made it easier. Once you get over that hurdle, you won't have to lie at school any more, and I think you'll be a lot happier. Your brother WILL come around to it, I think. I wouldn't be too worried about that. He may be unhappy at first, and it may be awkward for a while, even a few months to a year, but if you stick to your guns and show him that nothing is different, it will be okay. Basically, I think your situation is ideal for coming out, and I don't think you want to face any more time lying. It is, though, up to you!
First of all, you do have the option of just telling your big sister (and maybe your little sister, too, if she's at the same school) if what you want is to be out, at least to some people, at school. It sounds like she would be okay with it. It's always a good idea to have PFLAG stuff available for your family. Our Daughters and Sons: Questions & Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People is the publication that will probably be the most helpful with your parents. I would tell them at the same time, to spare either of them feeling like they have a secret from the other one, since you think they will both be fairly accepting. When it comes time to talk to your brother, Faith in Our Families: Parents, Families and Friends Talk About Religion and Homosexuality would probably be helpful as well. You might also look up PFLAG chapters in your area and see when and where they meet. Have that information available for your parents when you come out to them--tell them you know it can be hard for parents, and you want them to have the support they need from other people who have gone through the same thing. Here's a link to PFLAG Chapter Information and Resources.
Okay, I am 'considering' telling my sister tomorrow. Don't know if I'll go through with it, all depends on time and setting, but I'm going to try. Wish me luck.
No, I never had any time with her alone. But, a lot more shit has started up. Rumors, and I just don't feel like denying it anymore. Tomorrow morning, I'm going with my best friend (she knows I'm gay) and telling my sister. Then I'm telling my school.
