I met a girl (or a woman). Does she like me? Who knows!

So I was at this party on Friday night (a queer party), and I met what could possibly be the cutest girl I've ever seen! But I'm not sure if she likes me and it's killing me because I'm totally infatuated with her at this point! Here's the story:

So the girl is sporty and fit, with the most AMAZING smile. I mean, the smile is intoxicating! I guess I'm what you'd call the go-getter type, so I get her friend to introduce me to her. We flirt, exchange numbers, et cetera, but I'm not sure she's interested. (She was kind of drunk, and kept running away from me on the dance floor! Then she'd resurface a few minutes later, and be hanging out near the bar playing around on her phone! I didn't know what to make of it. Her friend kept insisting that she was interested in me, though, so I thought maybe she was just shy?)

Oh, and one more thing: she's 37. I was at the party with a friend, and when I pointed the girl out to her she said "Her? She looks old!" I guess she looked like she could be in her late 20s to early 30s, but it didn't phase me (I'm 26). So anyway, this girl texts me that night, and I respond in the morning saying that she should get a drink with me (it's Saturday). We meet up at 7 that night and we sit in a bar and talk for 4 hours! (For the record she doesn't "look old," she's gorgeous! A natural beauty.) We finally look up and realize that it's 11pm, and she has to work early the next day, so we get the check (which she pays), and we say goodbye. But get this: she doesn't hug me or anything! She says "let's high five it for now!" We text for the rest of the night, and I call her out on her lame farewell. She says she was just REALLY tired, and she gets "ridiculous" when she's tired.

As a little background, we spent some of our time talking about her past relationships, and she says that she has been burned a lot. She hasn't been in a relationship in 3 years. She lives in a pretty awesome town, (the town where I party!) but doesn't go out much.

After our long conversation, I'm totally infatuated. I can't stop thinking about her! We text a bit more on Sunday, and on Monday, I invite her to come out to play Drag Queen Bingo at my favorite bar. She has friends in town, and decides to come, but brings her friends along. We have a great time, and continue to flirt, but she won't let me buy her a drink...her friends have to catch an early flight, so she heads out, and as we're saying goodbye I make a joke about high-fiving. We hug, and she leaves.

Does she like me? Is she being guarded because she's been burned? Because I'm young? Why didn't she let me buy her a drink? Is it because she's more stud? (I'm certainly the femme in the situation...) I have never pursued a girl before, not like her. So I have no idea what I'm doing! I have been single for 9 months, and thought I was enjoying it, but now I'm stuck on her!

Help! Advice! Wisdom, please!

 

See, that's what I thought. But then she high-fived me! And she wouldn't let me buy her a drink. What was that about??!

 

LOL! You're hilarious, and right! I'm over thinking this. I will just have to be more patient with her!

Man, the complexities of the older woman...

 

Thanks, Chandra. I guess I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't reading things wrong. I feel like the signals are so mixed up!

 

Ianthe, thanks for this perspective. I didn't consider the whole label, "am I really attracted to women?" end of things. During the course of our four-hour conversation I made it clear to her that I had had one pseudo relationship with a woman (which, looking back on things was sort of twisted, but I was always comfortable with her being a woman, and wasn't ashamed or confused or anything). I also shared that I had had a few encounters with girls who were clearly not straight but who began to have issues with their sexuality, and what it meant to be with me sexually. This always bothered me, and it was ultimately always the thing that caused those relationships to end.

As much as I have been coming to terms with this label that is "bisexual" or "lesbian" I have never been unsure of the fact that I was attracted to women. I just used to think that because I was also attracted to men I was "normal enough." The issue with the label "bisexual" is that there is already so much stigma attached to it in the queer world. Nobody seems to believe that it's possible to be attracted to both men and women! Having spent ample time discussing my sexuality with my shrink, I'm confident that I have enjoyed the sexual encounters that I've had with men, and am attracted to men. That being said, it's quite possible that I'm more of a 4-5 on the kinsey scale, and am more attracted to women than men. Either way, I'm officially "out" and have come to terms with what I like to deem my "queerness." I had no trouble approaching this woman--felt no shame or fear or anything negative at all--and I spend quite a bit of time at queer events, with queer people, et cetera. As crazy as things were before, the last couple of months have been, well, normal. I'm queer, I realize that, and I'm more than okay with it.

I do realize that there is this phenomenon of lesbians or bisexual women "going back" and "living straight" but I can assure you that I am not one of those queer women. I can say this because of what my relationships with men have been like compared to my relationships with women. I have always connected more with women (they are more emotional creatures to begin with, and I've known this since I was 15) than men, and never thought that I was "experimenting" or that my interest in them would "pass." I have no particular preference for men--if anything my preference is for women! I get that things get muddy when you talk about marriage and kids et cetera, but this woman makes me feel what no man ever could--like I could be with her, really be with her. I cannot explain the connection I feel to her after such a short period of time, and I can't predict the future (none of us can--even a gold-star lesbian can't be sure of the person she'll be with forever, so I don't think the sex end of things really matters. If I break up with you for a man or a woman, I've still broken up with you, yes?) but I know that I want to get to know this woman in the hopes of being in a relationship with her. Is that enough? I hope so.

This is long, so I'm going to cut it off, but I guess I want to know (Ianthe, and others) if I'm missing something, if my shrink and I are missing something. Am I naive without knowing it? Do all "bisexuals" say what I've said? Am I too new to my queer label to know these things about myself? I feel very confident in everything that I've said, and talking this all through with my shrink has shown me that I was never as mixed up as I thought--just afraid of labels--but the last thing I would want to do is set this woman up to be hurt.

That being said, I can't help what I feel, and it would take quite the argument to get me to back down. I can't stop thinking about our conversation, and how easy it was, how comfortable. I really want to get to know her...

 

So the update is that she won't date me I sort of took the advice of some people here and my friends and was forward with her about my intentions (which I would normally never do). She started out by saying she didn't see things going anywhere, and when my friends encouraged me to ask if it was because I'm too young, she said that she "just doesn't feel the way I do." I'm super bummed, and I secretly think she backed away because I'm young.

I'm not one to push things to begin with, so I feel like I should leave it alone, but my friends are telling me it's still not over--that I should lay low for a while and simply remind her that I'm still around (it's a small town so we frequent some of the same places). I am inclined to lick my wounds in private (I feel so embarrassed! I let my friend talk me into pushing things, and I feel like she never got to know who I really am) and never put myself out there like that again. Any advice on how to get over this?