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This year...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by carbon, Apr 12, 2011.

  1. carbon

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    Hey all, I don't know that my issues are as important as some of those on here but I've been feeling the need to just talk to someone and can't really do that with anyone else now.

    This school year has essentially turned my life upside down. I have always considered myself straight, and although I know I have always felt attractions to other guys I never actually realized it (if that makes sense) until last october, where out of nowhere I fell in love with my new roommate. I must admit I was raised more conservative and religious, and I never ever thought I would be gay/bi. However, we were so alike and got along great, and at the time I thought he liked me as well. I couldn't ever stop thinking about him, and loved being around him. Eventually I couldn't control myself anymore and had to say something, so I did something I never thought I'd do in million years and came out to him (though I didn't tell him I liked him). It was the scariest thing I've ever done, but he took it well and never treated me any different, although he did admit it was a little awkward. But, of course, a major part was missing, in that, he never came out himself, and our later conversations made me realize that he was in fact straight, as well as extremely devout Catholic.

    Fast forward to next semester and I'm still in love with him, but I had become distressed with the idea of being bi, and hating myself for it and for liking another guy. Now one of my very close friends, who's a girl that I had liked for years comes back from her study abroad. She was one of the few people who I felt I could tell anything to. She had broken up with her boyfriend about a month before hand, and once she got back I eventually came out to her and told her about struggling with my sexuality, but also telling her that I liked her (mixed signals I know). Overtime we both became very flirtatious and more open with each other, she would often get very close and touchy-feely but nothing ever seemed to advance into a relationship. Then out of nowhere she started telling me about her having encounters with other guys, kissing them, sleeping with them (though trying to justify it by saying they didn't have sex) , all the while becoming more and more distant. I confronted her about it and she said it was all a miscommunication and that she was just that affectionate with everyone. This was the girl who I known forever, who I had told my entire life to, who had pictures of us together in "best friends forever" frames, who had now essentially made me feel like she had lead me on and used me for attention. After that she began to completely ignore me and I felt that I lost a major part of my life.

    Yet now comes the worst part as we get back to my roommate who by this time I have mostly forced myself to move on from on a romantic emotional level. I have realized just how blind love apparently is, as he does not even seem to be the same person from the beginning of the year now. The kind and considerate person who I loved to hang out with and would do anything for now makes me feel as if he never actually considered me as close of a friend as I did him. He never was s very social person but I have never known anyone to act the way he does toward me now, especially someone who I thought to consider a good friend. I can't talk to him about anything personal or important, or really anything that he himself does not have a great interest in. If he does not care about it then that's that and I'm stupid for liking it or voicing my opinion about something. And he's extremely unsupportive in anything, even continuing to speak negatively about gay people and issues to me, even though he knows what I've been going through. I don't feel as if he actually being mean, but more of he's oblivious to how he acts and just doesn't care about having a deep friendship as I do.

    Now I feel alone and stupid as the people I cared most about don't seem to feel the same way. And now I feel so empty and don't feel remotely attracted to anyone anymore, guy or girl. I want to be more open about it and try to meet new gay/bi people, as I really have no connection to the community and only have straight friends, yet I am still very uncomfortable doing so. No one would ever guess that I wouldn't be straight, and by coming out I feel like I might be giving up some of that straightness...


    Sorry about the length, I feel like I've mostly been complaining, but I don't how I could be delusional to feel the way I have. I hardly enjoy being around my roommate now, yet I can't stop caring about him and wishing our friendship felt the way it used to.
     
  2. Revan

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    You're not complaining, it's called a crush and it often causes many of us to feel like we've acted stupid, but that's how the heart works, it can make us act a little silly but that DOES NOT mean you are bad for falling for him so please don't think that.

    To start with, this best friend of yours sounds like a two-faced person. I think it's atrocious that she lead you on and now ignores you. I'm glad you didn't get into a sort of outburst with her, because it definitely shows your maturity, but I think you may want to let her go. She clearly has changed and become a b**ch in the time she was away. Probably had something that happened to make her either be insecure and thus treat people this way OR had something happen that caused her to think she's better than everyone. I suggest you just let her go, I know it's tough, but I think it's what is best for you.

    As for your roommate, I think you should stand up for yourself. I understand that you may be a bit more of a soft-spoken person which is great, but I think that you should tell him that you're not happy with how he's acting nor how he turned around and went from a "best friend" to an asshole. I think it's rude of him and frankly completely immature. And if he tries to shut you down then stand up to him and tell him he's being ridiculous. I know you don't want to get angry, but sometimes my friend you HAVE TO. It could wind up with him leaving, but hopefully it instead winds up with him respecting you more and being that friend you remember.

    As for feeling empty and alone, is there a gay pride group at your campus? If there is, why not go talk with the coordinator of it or something? Maybe it could really help?

    Good luck my friend, we're here for you if you need to chat more.
     
  3. Toneth

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    well I think maybe your friend just got tired of waiting for something to develop with you, and decided to go out and find someone, and maybe forgot about you a lil. not cool, but not evil either, i say, move on.
    as for the roomie, just tell him he is being a jerk, and that being straight doesn't mean he has to be ignorant, explain things to him, I find that most straight guys just don't understand, or are complete bigots, so unless he is a complete bigot, he prolly just doesn't know. you don't have to be mean, but be real with him.
    best of luck :slight_smile: oh, and I second the idea of joining a gay pride group.
     
  4. carbon

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    Thanks for the comments guys I really appreciate it. I know you're probably right in everything, forgetting about her, and talking to him, which I don't look forward to but needs to be done. With only 2 weeks left I feel I'm pretty much out of luck to really get involved with anything but I could go check it out for next year. Thanks!
     
  5. straal1972

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    I'm going to comment about the roomate and my opinion differs from the other posters. This is what occured to me as I was reading your post. Perhaps he's withdrawing because he can tell you were crushing on him and he did not at all have the same feelings. It was his was of making sure that nothing developed.
     
  6. carbon

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    I had wondered about that myself at one point, however I've always made sure to never give him any indication I liked him as anything more than just a friend. And also this tension has been building more recently the last couple of months once I really began to get over him, back during the times I had been crushing the hardest we never seemed to have any problems. But thanks for the input.
     
  7. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    To comment on the last point first, I've had guys (who really have never had any contact with gays before) think that the sheer fact that I was gay equate with the fact that I WAS crushing on them. Or, at the very least, checking them out every time their back was turned. So it may be that your roommate jumped to this conclusion, which isn't too surprising considering that it's accurate, at least to some degree. :slight_smile:

    A few more points.

    >>>Fast forward to next semester and I'm still in love with him, but I had become distressed with the idea of being bi, and hating myself for it and for liking another guy.

    This isn't uncommon. The overriding feeling is that if only you were (completely) straight, this sort of thing wouldn't happen. But ask any of your straight friends - it does. They fall for somebody who isn't interested in them. Or who is currently in a relationship. Or is gay. It's universal. It's presumably more common among gays, but it's certainly not something straights don't experience. Just try to keep that in mind.

    I'll second the idea of going to the gay student union. If you have to wait until next year, that's fine. You'll start meeting more gay students, and that'll increase your social circle. Which should help with the issues you're having with friends drifting away. In regards to that, just know that relationships are always dynamic. They DO ebb and flow, no matter how many times people like to use the "BFF" term. People get involved in other things, their feelings can change, they drift apart, then meet back up. Just keep the window of communication open, and see what happens.

    Lex
     
  8. carbon

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    Thanks for the input Lexington. It's easy to forget or not realize other people's thoughts and experiences don't always match up to your own.

    I actually talked to him today about some of things that have been going on and the general fact of our friendship had changed. He took it well and apologized for some things, and he seemed both wanting and willing to get things to how they used to be, so that's great and hopefully it will work out.

    Once again thanks to everyone for their comments, they've definitely been helpful!