Long version of what I went through to come out: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/42700-mid-30s-so-close-my-story.html Quick summary: told my girlfriend when I was teenager, between her and my parents' responses I convinced myself it was a phase and/or that I could just get through it by active repression. We ended up married, I eventually had a gay affair where I developed feelings, and when it ended, I finally knew I had to come clean, and so I did. My wife has been very good to me since I came out. She is struggling with everything, we both are. Shortly after I told her, she revealed to me that she had an emotional affair with one of our friends, but that's all that it was. He was originally my friend then became our friend as time went on. I admit in the past few years I withdrew from most everyone while I was going through the painful end of my process, and so I haven't been a great friend, but I still definitely consider him a friend. Shortly after I told her, I noticed she was turning to him for comfort quite a bit. I was happy that she had someone close to talk to even though I was uncomfortable with the situation. She told me that he knew the full story some time after she actually told him -- I was a bit upset he never reached out to me after she told him. I certainly wasn't expecting validation or acceptance, just an acknowledgement and the slightest bit of sympathy and/or support for everything that I was going through given our friendship. I detected the potential for future trouble, especially if their feelings developed for each other again and there was something long term in her future. I warned her very shortly after she told me he knew that it would make it very difficult for me to accept him if he continued to give me the cold shoulder. Time passed, and as our inner circle of friends found out, I received varying degrees of support. Yet from him, not a word. In an attempt to break the ice with him and a few others, I sent an email explaining that basically said I knew it was a hard time for everyone, I was feeling very alone and isolated, I didn't know what the right thing to do was, but I didn't want anyone to think I was hiding and that I was trying to open the lines of communication. I specifically said I wasn't looking for validation or acceptance, just that I felt responsible for the mess I had put us all in, that I wanted to see everyone through it, and communication seemed to be a good way to do that. Responses ranged from very supportive (I'm still angry at what you did, but I won't abandon you, when do you want to do lunch to talk?) to neutral (You did something terrible and in time I hope to be able to talk to you but right now I can't) to harsh (i will never understand why you had to hide this whole time, it will take me a long time before i can stand to have you in my life again). Somewhat expectedly, the most harsh response came with from my friend that had the emotional affair with my wife. In fact, not only was it harsh, but it was so preachy and over the top I knew something more was going on between them. The night after I received his response, I confronted my wife that night about their relationship. She gave me a very diplomatic answer, which only confirmed my suspicions, but she would not say how far their relationship had gone. When I went to bed last night, I happened upon her cell phone and I could not help but read her text messages as I suspected I would find the truth. When I read the text messages that revealed they were having sex, my skin burned in agitation. I woke her up and confronted her. She told me they had been having sex for two weeks. It actually turned out to be one of the better conversations we had since I came out. I was upset and hurt at the news, but it was overshadowed by the relief I felt that she had found someone to make her feel desirable again, as I knew my news had taken a huge toll on her "feminine ego". We ended the conversation that night with the understanding I was happy for her, but I was struggling with what he had done to me as a friend, not only by betraying our friendship by sleeping with my wife at such a sensitive time, but at the same time, judging me so harshly. Thus, the internal conflict. I believe that, given that I put us all in this mess, if they were involved and he was still being a friend, the situation would still be hard on me but I could accept it. But while he is, at the same time, judging me and leaving me out in the cold, I am having a very difficult time accepting. She has continued her sexual relationship with him... it is so painful to think about them together but at the same time I am happy for her. She knows she is probably making a mistake but it is making her feel better about herself and to separate herself from me emotionally. Do I have a right to be upset about the situation, given what I have done to her? I know he is probably only trying to protect her, but the hypocrisy in his email is suffocating when I think too much about it, judging me and abandoning me while he's betraying me. I am losing respect for him by the day, but that concerns me because if he is to be a part of her future, I want to support her as best I can. Any thoughts on how to best proceed? It's such a mess. Any and all advice would be appreciated.
Please tell me you used protection during your affair? One of the reasons your affair would feel like a bigger betrayal than hers is a perception that gay sex puts you (and your unsuspecting wife) at greater risk. The other reason would be that her affair came after you already had one and came out, so she knows she isn't sexually desirable to you anyway and therefore any sense of ownership (as "your wife") maybe doesn't apply anymore? Your friend probably has a lot of resentment towards you for having her and not loving her as well as he thinks he can, and feeling her pain.... Don't take this as a judgement- just trying to show how it might look from their perspectives. That you & your wife were able to talk honestly about the situation is definitely progress. I bet it hurts that she is already moving on before you have things sorted out. I feel for you. For now, your friend is being there for her and not for you. It is probably too hard to do both at the same time while he is figuring out his own feelings. Consider it a pause in your friendship, to be reevaluated after everything's resolved. Peace & strength to you! I think the transition is the hardest part.
I appreciate the response. Yes, I definitely used protection. I'm not trying to compare the two affairs. Despite some of our inner circle trying to say it's 'black and white' that I had the affair and the circumstances surrounding it don't matter (which in and of itself is very difficult to deal with), I do not share the same view. If we took a strict hard line 'black and white' view (an affair in the context of marriage is an affair), she is as wrong as I am. But of course things are not black and white, so her 'affair' isn't an affair, we have already made the decision to split up. I have stressed with her that I do not believe she is doing anything wrong, in fact, I think what she is doing (going out and having a relationship to help her through this) is 'right'. I feel much the same way about the situation as you describe, but I am having such a hard time dealing with his hypocrisy, judging me for betrayal while he is betraying me. I am not lashing out, rather, calmly accepting it and giving her my blessing to continue. But inside, my anger and rage is building at his actions. Do you think it is reasonable to desire an apology from him in the end? Currently, I am considering using that as my measuring stick to judge whether or not to continue our friendship once this all blows over.
It is clear that he considers what you did as so wrong that he doesn't want your friendship anymore. It is implied in the harsh email reply. It is true that some ppl out there consider sexual desire to be an integral part of love, in fact the ability to become sexually attracted to someone, perhaps, as the foundation for a promising romance. And under this point of view, from their perspective, you have "cheated" on your wife even without having a gay affair because of your betrayal of the definition of "marrying for love" as that is the norm of the modern society (as opposed to marriages for socioeconomic reasons)
I have a different take. If your friend really felt what you did was so wrong, I doubt he would have been so quick to jump in the sack with her, or to have an "emotional affair" prior to that. Generally, when people have a really strong, visceral reaction to something, it is because it in some way resonates with something they are experiencing themselves. So my suspicion is that he has some demons of his own that he's dealing with, and that's part of why he's judging you so harshly. The demons may not be his own fear of homosexuality, but could be his own fear of betraying someone in another way, or of having some deep secret that's really disturbing to him. And he may not even be consciously aware of the connection between the two. I think it's likely that he'll eventually be able to come around and be OK with you again, but probably not until he works through whatever is going on with him, and if he's not even aware of it, that may take some time. If you haven't already gotten Joe Kort's book that I suggested, please go get it. It deals with a lot of these sorts of feelings and experiences and I think it will really help. But in short, the piece you need to take for now is... this is not solely your fault. Kort has found, in his 20 years of practice as a therapist, that in nearly every case, once the wife of the now-out gay man has time to process her anger and feelings, she comes to realize that she either knew, or had reason to suspect, that her husband was gay. There are always some sort of telltale signs, and women generally have pretty good intuition about their husbands. But... denial is at work, and they often unconsciously ignore or don't even process the indicators they are receiving. So the point is that, by being silent and not bringing the issue up, they have a certain amount of culpability for tacitly sitting by and not taking action when they become aware. I don't suggest telling this to her or to any of your friends, but only to think about it, because once you realize that she had a role in the situation, it becomes a little easier to let yourself off the hook a little bit from taking all the blame. The feelings you have of jealousy or resentment about your wife are natural. After all, you are married to her, and I'm sure there's still some part of you that would like to have your cake and eat it too... the idea of being alone and gay might seem really scary when it means giving up the security of having a spouse. But you're talking and having good conversation, and she does seem to be taking steps to move on. And that's a really good thing in the long term, even if it stings for the moment. Communicating about it here is one of the best things you can do so please keep doing that
After analyzing his email, I came to two conclusions: one, he wrote the email for her, not me (he CC'ed her in on it), thus trying to be her 'knight in shining armor', and two, he may have been projecting his own guilt over the fact he's sleeping with my wife. I've read it over several times and it's difficult for me to judge the second, but like I said in my original post, the first was so clear I knew something more than friendship was going on between them. I hadn't considered there may be other issues, thanks for the suggestion. I had it delivered already to a gay friend's house. He won't give it up yet though because he said it's such a great book... he was very impressed at your recommendation. I'll get my hands on it soon I am taking a balanced approach.... I take responsibility for my actions and I do feel a lot of guilt and remorse, but I know I am not lacking in morals... we are shaped over the years by both internal and external forces and the deck was stacked against me in many ways. I was pinned in a corner and I'm proud of myself that I finally got out of it. I do wish there wasn't so much collateral damage, at the same time, I know it could have been a lot worse. I have realized that I can't have my cake and eat it too... nor do I want to. What I realized a few days ago is that definitely part of the reason I repressed all those years was because I did WANT to be with her. We have a great relationship and I love her deeply. But just wanting isn't enough... clearly. We have talked quite a bit about this since I realized it and told her.... we both want to be together as we were but it is clear to both of us that it would be unhealthy. Things felt so normal and good between us this past weekend, like years ago. We talked a lot about how close we felt. Sunday evening, I was upstairs showering, she was doing laundry in the bedroom... I came out and said "Things have been so normal, I forgot I'm gay and you're sleeping with ...". We laughed hysterically for about a minute and then broke down in tears because it's so unfair. Yes, I agree. I can deal with the hurt that comes from her. It is a small price to pay to know she's feeling better about herself and taking steps to get through this. My internal conflict is with our friend. The line of communication between us is great. I have been struggling a bit lately because I do feel things I have already said have been used against me... maybe not intentionally, but who knows. So it's difficult sometimes but I believe actions speak louder than words, and that it's better to communicate and have people misrepresent either intentionally or unintentionally because I can always clarify later, than to be silent.
It sounds like it's moving along the way it should. You've now got (presumably) all your cards on the table, and you can discuss what you want and what you need. I guess the real question now is what you want to happen down the road. Remain married, but open the relationship? Lex
Well, he did say in the email 'it will take me a long time to be your friend again'. So the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be there. I do in fact hope we can be friends again.... and on my side, I want to repair. I just know I won't be able to do that until he is able to be a friend to me, and I'm questioning whether or not I deserve an apology as well.
I think an apology would be appropriate, but I think the best thing for now is to just give a lot of time and space to that situation. There's probably more to it than is obvious right now, and your friend is almost certainly feeling conflicted about sleeping with your wife, so will need time to process it. It's also hard for some people to come around to admitting fault so that may also take some time... but I think it will happen, if you just give him space.
