I am _____. I can't call myself _____ because I can't bring myself to consider defining myself as the word that has hurt me all of my life. Queer, okay no one has ever called me queer. I am 17 and for the majority of my childhood, I thought the source of my childhood bullying was due to my "un-masculine" demeanor, my high voice, and my shyness. I didn't know what being queer was. I just knew that I wasn't as tough as the other guys. I was bullied at school and I was bullied at the "religious institution" (temple) of which I attended. Most of the time, they were girls or even people shorter than me. Their form of bullying "Are you ____?" They would almost always ask it casually. I would just stand stiff. Random people would ask me. Friends would ask me. Close friends would ask me. Even my cousins would ask me. Looking back, I have realized that being bullied has forced me to find another source of "self-esteem". If I didn't well, I might've killed myself. So in middle school, I studied like a maniac during the day and at night I would cut myself. Hard work paid off evidently. I am currently number 1 in my class. I'm not smart at all, but I do try because this is the only source of finding confidence for myself. The only reason for studying so much is because it is the only way for me to start a new life in college (somewhere far away). In these past years in high school, I have desperately tried to change myself. The last bully I could remember was a big, black guy in my theatre arts class. After one semester, he left, and I couldn't feel more relieve. Last year, I also forced myself to think that I wasn't queer. I had a girlfriend, the best one out there for me. We talked about our lives and we talked about our futures...being together. We took it too far...but I knew that it was not going to work out... so I had to break up with her before I went insane and my true self would come out. Deep down, I knew that being with a girl was something insane. Deep down, I knew that it didn't feel right. I was in denial and for a short time, I actually felt relieved that I would live as a normal person. I really do want to live as a normal person because I don't want to let my parents down. Growing up in a conservative family, I know that they expect something out of me. That is why I have been studying as I have because I know that they won't feel completely ruined when I come out. I know that I must come out. Whether I'm proud of being queer... I don't know. I know that I'm not proud of my brother also being queer. I found out this fact 2 years ago while he was on the computer and I haven't said a single word to him since. So I would like the ec forum to help me. I have one year left until I leave off to college and I know that I have to come to accept myself as well as my brother. I hate my brother and I hate my ex-girlfriend and I have to come to terms with them. They both know that I hate them. And personally, I think thats because I see in them the thing that I hate about myself. I hate being gay and I have one year to change that. I wish life was easier. Either way whether I come out in a year's time, I will still be leaving home. The only difference is whether I leave as a coward or as a victor.
That's rough, bbqlol10. I'm sorry it's been real hard for you. I just want you to know I think that your determination to change, to finally be the victor is really brave and I admire that. As far as coming to terms with being gay, or even just anyone being gay in general, I guess I would suggest reading some stuff here. We're all normal people, LGBTQS or otherwise. I honestly can't imagine what it's like to have hate ingrained in you from how you were treated and then have that hate turned inward on yourself, it must be very painful. I don't know how to change that kind of attitude, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that there are lots of people here who do. You'll find people whose stories echo your own and people who have lived entirely different lives. All of that helped me take a deep breath and assess the situation as I was coming out. One thing I was thinking though is that maybe you should talk to your brother about it. Is he out? Does he know why you have been hating him so much? The sooner you realize that being gay is not a death sentence for your dream of a normal life, then the sooner you'll be able to accept it and even, in time, be open about who you are. This is not easy, but it's nowhere near impossible. (*hug*) Hit me up if you ever want to talk.
It really sucks that society's like this. But, the problem isn't with you. The problem's with them. That we live in a world that's homophobic when we have no choice in who we like. It's like racism. A person of a different skin color didn't choose to be that way, just like I didn't choose to be bi and you didn't choose to be gay. We just are. All my life I was afraid of what people would think of me. I isolated myself because of it. Even avoided eye contact, because if anyone found out I liked guys - I thought the world would end. Anything to do with being gay, I avoided like the black plague. Not really because I didn't see part of myself in it. I knew I was bi when I turned 16. But, because I was afraid other people would find out. I was ashamed, I truly felt like there was something wrong with me and wanted desperately to be changed. To be normal. Like the other guys. But the thing is? Those exact same friends I was worried would disown me - they accepted me for who I am. My life's gotten better. I'm healthier than ever. For once my personal life matters just as much if not more than my professional life (which could be due to that hard work paying off - I was just like you, in that sense thinking if I just focused on school and my professional life I wouldn't have to face it. But coming to terms is easier than running - it's harder, but alleviates stress). I started accepting it when I turned 21 and every day I'm accepting it more and more. Whenever I see a cute guy that I like I tell myself, "it's okay, he was hot, you're bi - it's perfectly natural." And it is natural. If you worry about the bible - look at it this way. God made us. God put us all here for a reason. We can't help but like who we like. Thus, there's nothing wrong with it. It's not a sin to be yourself. You are who you are. I'd recommend this book: I've unknowingly followed most of those stages myself prior to actually picking up the book and can definitely say it works. Two months in, I'm ready although still worried to tell my parents. But, I guess that's natural. Does your brother live close by? I'd say if anything, even if it's hard, you can come out to him first and as soon as you can. All guys who like guys have been where you've been whether it be bi or gay. Rarely do we 'celebrate' the fact that we like guys due to the stigma society's placed on us. But, it does get better. Having a positive role model helps. I don't know any other bi guys, but I know that would have alleviated things, having gay friends though has really helped. It takes what's an isolated problem and makes you feel like part of something bigger. You're not alone. I think you'll really be able to relate to this scene in 'Everwood.' It's not the end of the world. And welcome to 'empty closets.'
Wow... it's like reading something I myself would have written a few years ago... Just a few years ago I was the same way. The world around me told me that I was a freak and that it hated me. My parents are extreme right-wing and I knew they would never accept me, never love me for who I was. So I studied as hard as I could, I did everything I could to be first in my class, drum major in the band, class president, captain of every club I was in. I told myself that if I could just be the best at everything, that it would make up for what I saw as unforgivable, and in someway it would make it up to myself. I know it's hard, and I just want you to know that it really gets better. While I'm still not out to my parents, I am pretty much out to everyone else; I am happier than I have ever been (when I'm not at home). You need to realize that you are AMAZING, and that all those people who say otherwise simply dont see the real you. Just relax. I'm not saying to scream it to the world, but just relax. If someone asks you, just laugh at it, joke alone with them. Once you accept yourself, and realize that it DOESN'T make you any less of a person or a man, you will feel some much better.
We are not defined or characterized by our madness, but by how we overcome it. What you are doing is good, you need to study hard. When you have achieved excellence, you will know that you, a queer man, has achieved excellence. Thus all the reasons to look down upon LGBTQ people no longer exist, and those who still look down upon them do so because of irrational reasons, thus you can safely look down on them. Good luck and good life.
This could have been me just a few years ago bbqlol10. We're so alike, you have no idea. If you're a boy and you like boys, that's ok. If you're a girl and you like girls, that's ok too. There isn't anything to be ashamed of, I promise. I have a gay brother and I hated myself in high school, and I threw myself into my schoolwork so that I had something to live for, and I too was near the top of my class. I'm short and tiny and I was younger than everyone else and I was a prime target for the same type of bullying. Just ignore the bullies, one day they're going to look back on their lives and they're going to regret the things they've done and said to you, believe me. Everything you want in life, you can have it--you'll be able to get married and have children and you'll be able to work a job that you love. You can have the suburban home with a white picket fence and a dog if you want it--and you can have all of it and still be the real you. Stay here on EC and just get to know us, feel free to talk to me anytime you want. A year from now you're going to be so strong because of what you've already been through, I can guarantee you that. (*hug*)
Thanks for the love guys. However, I don't think I've ever ran as much cuss words through my head as I've had today. I was put in the situation where I now realize that I have to come out in order to achieve my dreams. To sum it all up, my teacher told me "to grow, not to change". Would coming out change who I am? To tell you guys the truth, I'm deathly scared. In all cases, I'm planning to go seek for counseling with the GSA sponsor at my school tomorrow. This is nothing like what I had planned. I had planned so meticously in my mind to move away and come out to strangers....Maybe that's not what fate had planned for me. All I know is that watching "Shelter" and "Just a question of love" every single night isn't going to solve anything. And today is my brother's birthday, I'll probably stay silent again.
If your teacher was referring to your 'gayness,' he or she meant to still be who you are. You don't need to struggle to conform into a stereotype of what it means to be gay. To not define yourself by being gay, but accepting it as just another aspect of who you are. We're all different. In the bi community I see guys who cheat on their wives with guys, swingers who just use guys for sex, and others who don't believe in monogamy in the slightest. That doesn't mean everyone who is bi is like that. Going out and seeing as much as I can about the bi community and how diverse it is, I've come to realize not all bi guys are the same. I'm the kind of guy who wants to find that special someone to go out with - whether it be the knight in shining armor or the damsel in distress. They're all the same to me. It's not a sex thing. I'm just me. Thus, I've "grown" as a young bisexual guy, but I haven't "changed" to fit the perceptions of what it 'means' to be bisexual. Never heard of those movies before, but I would say you'd probably relate most to: Shameless (BBC version, link attached (actually started me really coming to terms with it)), Get Real, Prayers for Bobby, Consenting Adults, and Beautiful Thing. All of these challenge the stereotypes since the only thing 'different' about them is they like guys. Basically just because you're gay doesn't mean you're going to change. If anything coming to terms will just make you happier, healthier and more ready to tackle life.
First, hi and welcome to EC. It's great that you've joined our community and talking about your experiences. I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult time growing up. No one deserves that, but it sounds like you've made the best of it and used the adversity to make yourself stronger. A couple of comments: Your teacher was undoubtedly referring to your drive to succeed and the person you are, not your sexual orientation. Isn't it amazing how our insecurities can take what is clearly a strong compliment (as your teacher's comment was) and filter it so it sounds like something negative? We all have those filters and do that sometimes... but hopefully when it's pointed out to you, you can realize how the experiences you've had growing up can influence how you think about yourself. Also, while i'm at it i'll say... you CLEARLY are smart. People don't get to being #1 in their class, with plenty of other intelligent and knowledgable people competing for that position, without being both intelligent and knowledgable. But my guess is it's probably hard for you to give yourself credit for that. It's good that you're talking about these things, and i think you'll find that as you do so, you'll become a lot more confident and comfortable with yourself.
Welcome to EC! The others have pretty much told you what you need to be told. So I'll just point out something real quick in your original post. "I was in denial and for a short time, I actually felt relieved that I would live as a normal person. I really do want to live as a normal person because I don't want to let my parents down." You'll notice that you're falling for the hype. Because I'm 40, I love my job, I'm gay, I'm out to everybody, and I'm partnered to a guy. And I'm...well, come to think of it, I don't know if I'm "normal". Lots of people think I'm a bit odd. But it's the good kind - people think I'm interesting, and want to get to know me. So keep your eyes on the prize. You might hang out here a bit more, post some more, read some more. Get some different vantage points. Because the more of us you know, the better you're going to feel about yourself. Lex
