Alright. So I am so confused right now as to my identity and such. Growing up I kind of always knew that I different from every other girl. I was a definite tomboy and pushed the comfort zones of those who felt like I didn't fit the gender stereotype. I'll give some background information. I'm finishing up my freshman year in college right now and I've had to face a lot of huge decisions pertaining to my sexual orientation. I've always felt like I should have been born as a male. I sometimes went to bed praying to God that when I woke up, I would be a guy. Now, this poses a huge problem for me because I feel like if I do go through transition, I will lose my family and my friends. I have told some very close friends of my feelings at this point in time, but I feel like I can't talk to my parents about it yet. For a while I tried to identify as bisexual because I am attracted to both males and females. It's just when I picture myself with a girl, I see myself as a guy. I'm not quite sure if anyone else as felt as such... It just makes things so confusing for me. Whenever I start to feel attracted to another girl, I wish that I was born male with all my might. Maybe I'm attracted to guys as well because they have what I wish I was? I'm not quite sure if that makes sense at all. Another issue with transitioning is obviously the money factor on top of potentially losing people I care about. If my parents do not approve of this, I have no way of being independent enough to live on my own, buy all the medication I need, and pay for surgery. There is just no way. I also am attending one of the most expensive colleges in the midwest, so I will lose that as well. I'm just unsure as to whether or not I should bring my feelings up with my parents because it could damage everything I have right now. I already have a rocky relationship with my father, so this could give him one more thing to send him over the edge. I've tried to be the "all-American daughter," but I just feel like I can't plaster on my smile any more. I've battled depression before and now I just feel like I wish I could start my life completely over. Sorry for all the randomness, I just needed to get that off my chest. If anyone has any help or input, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Maybe you could talk with your mom about how you're feeling? Personally I would finish college before transitioning because you need your parents' support. Having a degree from "the most expensive college in the midwest" should put you in a position to be independent enough to live on your own and hopefully negate the money factor. Though I understand how difficult it can be to live your live 'on hold'. (I am waiting 5 years to leave my husband because I want my daughter to have a stable family until she is on her own). 3 more years - or however many- of college might feel like forever when you're in it, but life is long. You can start your life completely over at any point. I am not that familiar with the process of transitioning, but from what I have read it sounds like it takes some time. Maybe you could start with making some contacts and getting some counselling so you will be ready for the next step when you are in a position to take it. As for your family, it will be a transition for them too. I hope they choose to adapt along with you.
I don't think I can add much to the advice you've already received here. I can't really relate to your situation, I don't have the same feelings about my own gendrer. However, I found that talking to someone about what I was feeling and going through was a trememdous help to me, and I think it would be good for you as well. If you're attending a good school, I'm assuming they also have some counselling services available. Take advantage of those. If you're depressed, you need to deal with that. Otherwise, all aspects of your life are going to start to unravel. And that won't help you get any closer to your goal - if that does turn out to be transitioning. You'll be farther away. It's a scary thing to contemplate for sure. So give yourself some time. Start the discussion with someone who you know will be unbiased. Get some perspective from them. Don't worry about having the conversation with your parents until you're really ready to do so.
