sorry guys, needed to vent.... I have a guy who thinks I'm wonderful. I feel luke-warm back. I'm gonna suggest that we be friends when we catch up tonight coz I cant handle a lover right now. Tonight was supposed to be the "stay at home" date. (Last time, we had a dinner date and the week before we kissed at the pub - my first gay kiss) This decision is a reaction to a coming out fear: I don't have the courage to tell my mum that I'm shagging a guy. Even though I outted myself to her in March, I pretty much only act straight around her. I still don't have the courage to be me and not care about her reaction. If she asks me what I did on the weekend, I don't want to lie to her, to avoid saying that I shagged a guy. So, quitting the date avoids this discomfort... It is a completely dumb decision, but I just need more time... ARRGGHHH
We always try to please our mothers no matter what age we are, don't we? It doesn't really sound like this is the right person for you anyway so use mom as an excuse and take things slow.
Becky is right, if you are only lukewarm about the guy, he probably isn't the one for you anyway. Slow play the relationship, see if anything develops, just let him know where he stands. On the other subject, I don't think mom would even want to know if you were banging a girl much less shagging a guy. It is nice to include your mom into your life, but she need not know all of the details. I think she is wise enough to know that if you are romantically involved with someone, that you will probably be intimately involved as well, as it is human nature. Finally, you say that you are straight-acting in front of her, even though you came out to her previously. If you have already came out to her, why play charades when she is around. Be who you are... if you are not the stereotypical flamer don't be the flamer, likewise don't hide behind a mask being someone else to appear straight.
I'm with Justjoshoh on this one. Since you told your mum this year, if you act straight around her you are sending her mixed signals. How on earth do you want the poor woman to accept you for who you are if she doesn't know who that person is and you don't accept yourself. As for telling your mum who you are shagging, I think that is taking information a bit far! You could just say that you had a nice time with a friend... it's not a lie and your mum isn't stupid she will understand what you are saying. We mum's weren't born yesterday, we do know how to read between the lines and understand what is being said without being slapped in the face with bold information.:icon_bigg
Thanks for your replies! My mum is not happy with me being gay and has expressed her negative views of the gay community to me on numerous occasions. This really upsets me, and as a result, it's pretty much brought my coming-out to a halt, because I feel so ashamed about being something my mum despises. I've been acting straight & avoiding gay relationships to please her & to avoid conflict. But you're absolutely right, it's a lie. It's so hard... I want to make her proud... but because I must be me, all I will receive is her criticism...
He needed more courage too You guys should talk sometime... Seriously though, you and I have a very similar problem, and my look on it is don't ask/don't tell sorta deal. But if you really feel the need to tell her, try and get this guy to offer you backup (bring him along) when you tell her about him?
I told her by email (I am too stressed to do it face-to-face): "I need to tell you how you affect me. Because you are my mum, and I try to make you proud, it has been hard for me to tell you that I am gay and to join a gay community that you despise. I am so scared of your criticism, that I almost completely shy away from you. Since I told you I was gay, you have made your feelings about gay people very clear. Some examples that spring to mind: you disapprove of me telling others about my sexuality, you disapprove of me wearing an AIDS awareness red ribbon badge, you disapprove of Beyonce associating with the gay community, etc. I find your disapproval (no matter how small) eats away at my self-confidence. Why do you depise gay people? As far as I'm aware, gay people are still good people - they just happen to be attracted to the same gender. It's part of diversity. ie some women prefer Brad Pitt, some prefer bald men, some prefer girlish men, some prefer women. Big Deal. Whatever rows your boat. Gay people contribute effectively to society, think of your favourite singers, nurses, doctors, judges etc. And as for the Beyonce comment, gay peoples' money is as green as the next. I'm sick of hiding that I am gay from you to avoid conflict. It angers me that you and parts of society disapprove of people based on their sexuality rather than personality. In conclusion, I am what I am. I'm not some horrible person you should disapprove of. I should be able to talk openly with you about the trials and tribulations in my life. I just want you to love and accept me for me. Gay people are not horrible people. If you don't like gay people, build a bridge and get over it. I want you to know that I've poured my heart and soul into this letter at an emotionally vulnerable time. I'm sorry for being moody, but you can help me with that by being more supportive." So far she has said nothing & I have said nothing....
Nick, you gave her alot to think about and made some great points! Even if she doesn't reply, you pointed out some very good things. Have you given her PFLAG info or any books to read such as "Now that you Know"?
Mum has just told me that she is not ignoring my email, she'll have a chat with me in a couple of days. For my initial reaction I said "whatever", but when she gave me a 'be reasonable' look, I followed up by saying "thankyou". I am now feeling like a nervous wreck with butterflies in my stomach. I have no idea what she is going to say to me. I have no idea what I will be courageous enough to say to her. I hope I can be strong in defending gays and & be as open and honest as I can in answering her questions, if she has any. (She has never asked me anything about being gay to date.) I haven't told her about PFLAG. I was just thinking, however, that I could remind her that she has a relative with a gay son who might lend a sympathetic ear. (We used to see these relatives most Summers back in the 1980s. Because we rarely see them now, I had completely forgotten that I had a gay relative. He came-out years ago. Yay for him! I have no idea what or where he is now though.) Wish me luck!
I think you have already been very couragious ! This is good news, I assure you. Your mum has respectfully read the e-mail, she didn't jump of the deep end and rant and rave, she is thinking calmly about what you have said. She has also told you that she will talk to you so that you don't have to worry that she is in denial over the mail. These are both positive points. In your place I wouldn't try to defend the gay issue. The real issue here is you, your right to express yourself, your right to love the person of your choice, your desire to make your mum proud of you without living a lie, the support that you need from your mum. Do you see the recurring word 'you' and 'your'. The fact that your mum maybe intrinsically against homosexuality here is AN issue but maybe not the MAIN one for this discussion. You are her son, you love her, you will never be happy if you make her unhappy but on the other hand you will never be happy if you are forced to live a lie. There is only one person who can change here... and that's your mum, you don't have a choice in the matter. I think you really need to hammer home the point that you love her, want to make her proud of you and need her to love you for who you are and not only see you for your sexual orientation.
You dont have to tell your mum, you having sex is your own beautiful experience that everyone should cherish, its a special moment between two people. no one else. greg
omg, the meeting just happened. She said she was very upset that I sent her an email and didn't just talk with her. She thought the email was angry and that I was very demanding of gay equal rights and that that was inappropriate. I apologised for not just talking to her - my excuse for not feeling that I could talk about it with her got dismissed with her comment: but you're my son, you can talk to me about anything. She reminded me that she is happy if i am happy - like what she said that when I outted myself to her. Her problem with gay people is really a problem with the very loud, sissy gay people. She also has a problem with gay people's un-savouriness - think sleaziness and corruption of good little boys and girls. I tried to say that you get extremes in every group of people. She said that she knows she knowingly gay-bashes in conversations. I asked if she will abstain from this in the future and she said yes. But I then asked if she will be abstaining from it just to be careful or because gay people are ok, and she said to be careful. When she thinks of gays, she thinks of the extreme ones that she detests. She said she doesn't treat me any differently than my straight brothers. She doesn't ask them what they did on the weekend and will not ask me. She also said she doesn't mind if I talk to her about my gay friends. She said she is around if I have a problem and need to talk about it. She said she will not blow trumpets and announce to her friends that I am gay but will mention it if someone asks her if I have a girlfriend or whatever. She doesn't agree with gay people blowing trumpets for their rights. She thinks they should do it more quietly. Apparently, back in the 1960s she went to a New Years Eve party at a gay couple's house and thought they were gorgeous, normal guys. So I asked her why if she knows that those guys are lovely, she still believes that gay people are unsavoury and she said that the "gay community" as a whole is unsavoury. I said that a gay community doesn't really exist as an entity and that it is made up of individuals - lovely ones like the guys she knew. I made my point! She said that she cant trumpet about gay people and that is her hurdle to overcome. She said that I only outted myself to her very recently and that because she is older, and grew up in a time when being gay was kept secret etc, she needs time to adjust - Change doesn't happen over night. She compared me outting myself to something scandalous like my brother getting a girl pregnant and that one doesn't just announce it, one lets it all just happen and then just let slip the news as though it's not a scandal at all. I mentioned the name of the relative with the gay son, but it got lost in conversation. She also said she never said I was horrible. She thinks I am the most reliable of her sons. So overall, I think I got to make good some points & she has acknowledged what I wrote in the email - that I like men. I think this is BRILLIANT!!!!! (!)
What wonderful news (!) (!) (!) . I am just so pleased for you. Obviously your mum still has some work to do on her 'image' of gays buy hey at least she is open to talking and changning her mind. Would you agree to showing her EC. My son let me come here... well I say let, he told me about EC and didn't object when I asked him if I could come. I did'nt want to come here if it made him uncomfortable. It would show your mum that you are just normal guys struggling with getting through adolesence and homosexuality. Without blowing any trumpets EC certainly saved me a lot of misunderstandings and a very stereotypical view of gays and the gay community that I had before I came here. (&&&) (&&&) (&&&) That's for you and your mum
You mom might soon learn that the trumpet needs to be blown! It was about six months after my son came out, that this "Catholic self-righteous bitch" wrote an In My View piece for the newspaper that compared gays to murderers and pedophiles. It was in response to a short editorial piece I wrote in support of same sex unions that mentioned that the American Psycholigcal Association says that homosexuality is simply a NORMAL variant of human sexuality. I knew my trumpet could be silent no longer. LOL I hope your mom will learn this too. You can read her letter and my response on my website on the Articles Pg. 2 page about half way down. People like this really get me going. :tantrum:
My mum just told me that she is going out to dinner with some of her friends during the week and she has decided to tell them that I'm gay. Wow! She also has a couple of other friends coming over for dinner here tonight (in minutes) and she said that she is happy if i tell them. This is all too much too soon for me and I think I'm gonna pass on outting myself to them tonight!
Another update in quick succession! Things are so interesting in my life right now! So mum told her friends at dinner last night. She said she wanted to let me know that she had in fact kept her promise to me and told them. Apparently not much was commented. One of her friends didn't make it to dinner due to illness, so mum gave her a call today and told her then. Turns out she has 2 lesbian daughters! My mum knew a while but had never told me. I said "I had no idea. TWO! Wow." So I asked if they had partners and both of them do. So, the friend is amazed my mum told the other friends, she still cant tell people - her daughters came out to her 17 years ago and 10 years respectively. (The first one was married with a baby when she announced that she had a lesbian lover.) So mum was telling me that people in her generation take some time to get used to this gay thing. I told her that I think she will be more open minded than her friend and I suspect that she will be ok with things sooner rather than later! *fingers crossed* Anyway, the friend's comment to me (passed on to me through mum) was that although I am ok with being gay (I wish!), that I have to be more sympathetic to the older generation and not be so forceful with my mum. Anyway, we had a great open chat again about the whole gay thing, and she said she's not overly happy about anal sex but didn't absolutely hate it either... I felt so good about our openness, that I showed her the photos of me cross-dressed from a Halloween party I went to recently. She was a bit shocked and then said what a gorgeous thing I was!!! My other news is that I have committed to take part as a marcher at the gay/lesbian Mardi Gras parade in Sydney next year!!! (Screw the outrageous expense!)
YEA!!! Good for you. What wonderful news. Your mum is a very special lady. It is hard for people of 40 plus to accept simply because of our upbringings but if you give us a bit of time and support we will get there. Good for you and good for your mum. On the anal sex thing, you could point out to your mum that lots of straight couples engage in anal sex and the thing is to always be protected. Anal sex isn't reserved just for gays!!! It is what most straight people associate with being gay but there is, as you well know, more to it than just that. :icon_bigg
