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Stuck, confused..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by eleven95, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. eleven95

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    This is my first post, sorry if it's long winded.


    I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so confused and I can't talk to anyone. I've known that I'm attracted to guys since I hit puberty. But only recently i've started to.. admit it to myself. I guess it's gotten to the point that I can't deny it anymore, it's too obvious when I have to fight with myself not to look at my teammates in the locker room. So yeah, I'm attracted to guys. First time I've said it at all, even in text.


    I have no idea what to do about it though. I'm afraid to tell any of my friends.. They're not the type of people that would take it well. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to play sports anymore. I know that if they're really my friends they should accept me, etc etc. But this is the life I know.


    The idea of telling my parents is absolutely terrifying. I just can't see them taking it any way but bad. My family is very "conventional". My dad works all the time and my mom is a stay at home mother, we go to church every Sunday, they vote straight republican always, we have a great house in a neighborhood of other great houses. Don't get me wrong, I do like my life. I am grateful that my parents have provided so much for me and my siblings. What I'm trying to say is.. they don't like anything that isn't "normal". I'm the oldest of four and I feel like i'm under constant pressure to be perfect. I play sports, i make good grades, i have the right friends. But it's not right. Nothing feels right anymore. When I kiss a girl I find myself wondering what a guy's lips would feel like. But my parents have made it very clear they do not approve of "the gays" many times.


    So what do I do? I'm afraid if I tell them they'll kick me out. It seems that reputation is everything here and I'm afraid I'll be nothing but a big blemish to this "perfect" life they've created.
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome to EC. It's good that you've joined here and are talking about this. Thinking about coming out can be one of the scariest things ever and I think the first thing to think about is... there's no rush to come out. So the first thing is to take a deep breath and relax a little bit and realize you can come out a month or a year or 5 years from now... or next week... whichever suits you.

    As far as your parents... it sounds like you might want to tread slowly. It's not unheard of for parents to kick their kids out, but it's also pretty rare. In nearly all cases, a parent's love for his or her child trumps any issue with reputation or religion.

    The first thing I'd suggest is read some of the coming out stories here... and then, maybe, search the posting history of some of the posters in some of the coming out stories. Many have been at EC for quite some time before they came out, and have stayed around to help others, so it can be pretty inspiring to read how others have been just as fearful as you, in very similar circumstances, and have had very positive outcomes.

    Also, feel free to contact me or any of the other advisor team if you'd like to talk more about your feelings and strategies you can take in preparing to come out.

    In any case, I hope you stick around and contribute to the community and at the same time learn from the experiences of others. Please keep us informed :slight_smile:
     
  3. eleven95

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    Thank you for the reply. I've been looking around the internet for awhile, reading stuff about coming out, stories, when to do it, etc. I just feel like i'm suffocating. I mean, I love my family and I know they love me but I sometimes wonder if they love me for who I am or for who they think I am. I know that probably sounds silly, but social status is something that is very important to my parents. They love the fact that they have this seemingly perfect family and they're quick to inform others about it. Sometimes in a kind of malicious way. I know in reality that that would probably take a back seat to me but it doesn't always feel that way.

    I think something else that confuses me is that I don't "feel" gay. Other than the obvious, my attraction to men. I know I shouldn't pay attention to stereotypes, but the only out gay guys at my school happen to be very feminine. This makes me feel even more alone. Like I don't truly fit in with my group of friends but I know I would have nothing in common with the gay guys that I do know of. I feel stuck somewhere in the middle and I hate it. I hate all of this, it's complicating my life needlessly.


    And to top it off, I think my sister suspects it. She knows something is up. We're fraternal twins and we're pretty keen on each other emotionally. She can tell that something has been bothering me more lately and she's trying to figure it out. I'm terrified that if she does she'll tell my parents. I just. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm living a lie.
     
  4. addie88

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    hey. just wanted to add that, besides taking things slowly, it always helps to start small. i haven't completely come out yet, but as soon as i told my best friend, i did feel a bit better. so maybe your twin figuring out your secret won't be as bad as you think. if you two are in tune to each other's emotions, then maybe she could be of some help. you could approach her and say, "hey, i know it seems like something's been bothering me, and i want to tell you, but can you promise not to tell mom and dad?"
    what is she like? can she keep a secret? when you think you're ready to come out to at least someone close, i think your sister could be a good place to start. sorry if this is completely off base, i don't know your sister...coming out is really hard but just know that you're not alone in this. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Mogget

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    That desire to feel a guy's lips on yours? That's what "feeling" gay is all about. Some guys are femme. Some gay guys are femme. But not all gay guys are femme nor are all femme guys gay. Gay guys who are femme are often forced out even in situations where they would rather be closeted, which is probably why all the guys who are out in your school are also femme.

    This is not the norm in most gay communities. I only know one truly femme gay guy, all the others I know are relatively masculine in behavior and appearance. When you leave high school you will meet gay guys you feel you have more in common with. But...it wouldn't hurt you to befriend the femme gays at your school. You might find you have more in common with them than you think.
     
  6. cardenio

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    Attraction to men is all that makes you gay; everything else is optional. Really. Remember to take into account the fact that a lot of people do not come out while they're still in high school, so the few guys in your high school that have come out thus far are not very representative of the gay community at large. The fact that you have nothing in common with those guys does not mean that you won't find other guys that are interested in the exact same things as you. You should follow your initial instinct to not rely on stereotypes.

    You have mentioned that your parents probably would not respond well to you coming out to them (at least not at first), but how do you think that your twin sister would react? It seems to me, from the little you've written, that perhaps she would be supportive even if she shares your parents' views given that she realizes how much this issue is affecting you. You might want to bring up the subject without referring to your particular situation in order to find out what her personal views are. One thing that you definitely need to do before you come out to your parents is build a strong support system that will help you maintain your sanity in the meantime; your sister might be a great first person to begin building that system with.
     
    #6 cardenio, Apr 19, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2011
  7. Gumtree

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    Sexuality in definition is a simple thing. It's the consolidation, exploration and acceptance that's the hard journey.

    It's important to always keep in the back of your mind what gay really means; being attracted to the same sex, nothing more.

    You've mentioned the stereotypes of the other gay guys at your school, and you've made a differentiation between what your parents think you are, and what you actually are.

    I'm telling you now, that the things your thinking about, the stereotypes you're mentioning, the way you think your parents see you; these are all things attached to an individual, not a sexuality.

    The way your parents see you IS who you are, and coming out wont change you or who you are, because obviously, you've always been this way.

    There is an adjustment when it comes to friends and family, but often it's not about you in the present, but about the you in the future in most cases, such as children and relationships etc.

    I'm having a really hard time here trying to put my thoughts into words, but what I'm trying to communicate is that coming out doesn't directly change any other aspect of you than your externally perceived sexuality.

    It's important to let friends and family know this as well when you decide it's time to come out.
     
  8. Lexington

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    >>>I think something else that confuses me is that I don't "feel" gay. Other than the obvious, my attraction to men. I know I shouldn't pay attention to stereotypes, but the only out gay guys at my school happen to be very feminine. This makes me feel even more alone.

    I often use this analogy here. Let's say you like a band. And they have T-shirts available, but only one kind - a really ugly green and pink glittery thing. You might look around your school (and elsewhere) and think "I'd like to find other fans of this band, but everybody who likes them has horrible taste in clothes." Well, no. It's just the only ones you're able to see are those who are wearing that shirt. Similarly, there are probably several more-masculine-acting gay guys at your school, but you don't notice them the way you notice the effeminate ones.

    Effeminate guys are usually the first ones out of the closet. Why shouldn't they be? Everybody thinks they're gay, anyway, and it's not like they're avoiding any grief sent their way by attempting to hide it. So they just decide "Fuck it - I'll just be myself". And that's awesome in my book. It's great to be able to just be yourself. And maybe "yourself" isn't effeminate. That's cool, too. As pointed out, gay means you dig guys. That's it. End of story. Everything else is optional.

    I'd second the idea on telling your sister, or at least feeling her out. It'd probably be good to have an ally in the house.

    Lex
     
  9. zerogravity

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    First of all, congrats on taking the first step, which is accepting yourself. Being gay isn't a stereotype, a lifestyle, a way you talk, dress or cut your hair, or anything like that. All it means is that you are attracted to guys.

    I didn't know any gay people until 6 months ago, and I'm 27. I was in the closet. I am guessing you are around 16 based on your name. 16 is the age where I went from accepting my attraction to guys as "just a phase" to thinking my life was over (I can remember the exact moment I had this realization).

    I spent my teen years and most of my twenties in the closet, and I regret not coming out earlier. And by coming out, I mean accepting myself, not necessarily telling everyone. I was wrong by the way - being gay does not mean your life is over.

    You don't need to tell your parents, you don't need to tell anyone. I would suggest talking to a trusted counsellor or social worker though. I wish I had done this, because a lot of free social services (at least where I live) are no longer available when you become an adult.

    I could tell you a lot of stories from gay people I know - some are effeminate, some are super masculine, but most are just normal guys. Some come from liberal families, some from lower-working class families, some from upper middle class liberal families. I even know a guy that comes from an evangelical christian family and his dad was the mayor of his small town.

    Eventually you will move out of your parent's house and discover there is a life waiting for you, and there are thousands of other kids going through exactly what you are going through, waiting to meet you. I guarantee you it will be a happy moment when you finally meet them!
     
    #9 zerogravity, Apr 19, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2011
  10. eleven95

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    Thanks for all the responses since I last posted, I appreciate all of the advice and thoughts on my situation.


    That's a great analogy, I never really thought about it like that. It makes perfect sense though. I know that being gay doesn't mean a person is feminine, it just so happens that all of the gay men I have met thus far in my life are. Obviously I do know that that will change in the future, but my limited perspective makes it a little difficult.

    I do have a pretty great relationship with my sister, so I have given it some thought. But every time that I start to seriously think about it I have a mini freak out. I get panicky. It's irrational, I know. Realistically I think that she will be fine with it. It's hard to be sure though. She's not as conservative as my parents, she's "semi" religious.

    As far as keeping a secret goes, I don't know. I don't think that she would ever intentionally out me if I told her. But I can't be sure she would never slip up. It's a pretty big secret to keep.


    I don't know about talking to someone. If I do it on a regular kind of basis it would only be so long before my mom found out. I live in the kind of place where everyone knows everyone and they're always looking for trash to hold over their neighbors heads. And then what would I say when confronted about? I do not see that going over well.

    Most of the families you mentioned were liberal... Must be nice.









    I just feel like I have this massive weight on my shoulders. The thing is, I'm not really going through as much "self-loathing" and shit as I thought I would. I'm not looking to place blame because there's no one to blame and realistically it's not a situation that requires blame, because there is nothing wrong with me. I'm not frustrated with my sexuality on a personal level. I'm just terrified of letting my parents down. Terrified of how they may react when I shatter their perfect picture of their oldest son.

    And I'm pissed that we live in a society where a person that isn't heterosexual has to go through such needless strife. Seriously? How evolved are we really? I'm pissed that most of the gay/bi guys that are my age in this area are going to stay in the closet for quite some time because of this. I'm pissed that I can't openly find boyfriend and be able to walk around holding his hand.
     
  11. eleven95

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    Thanks for all the responses since I last posted, I appreciate all of the advice and thoughts on my situation.


    That's a great analogy, I never really thought about it like that. It makes perfect sense though. I know that being gay doesn't mean a person is feminine, it just so happens that all of the gay men I have met thus far in my life are. Obviously I do know that that will change in the future, but my limited perspective makes it a little difficult.

    I do have a pretty great relationship with my sister, so I have given it some thought. But every time that I start to seriously think about it I have a mini freak out. I get panicky. It's irrational, I know. Realistically I think that she will be fine with it. It's hard to be sure though. She's not as conservative as my parents, she's "semi" religious.

    As far as keeping a secret goes, I don't know. I don't think that she would ever intentionally out me if I told her. But I can't be sure she would never slip up. It's a pretty big secret to keep.


    I don't know about talking to someone. If I do it on a regular kind of basis it would only be so long before my mom found out. I live in the kind of place where everyone knows everyone and they're always looking for trash to hold over their neighbors heads. And then what would I say when confronted about? I do not see that going over well.

    Most of the families you mentioned were liberal... Must be nice.









    I just feel like I have this massive weight on my shoulders. The thing is, I'm not really going through as much "self-loathing" and shit as I thought I would. I'm not looking to place blame because there's no one to blame and realistically it's not a situation that requires blame, because there is nothing wrong with me. I'm not frustrated with my sexuality on a personal level. I'm just terrified of letting my parents down. Terrified of how they may react when I shatter their perfect picture of their oldest son.

    And I'm pissed that we live in a society where a person that isn't heterosexual has to go through such needless strife. Seriously? How evolved are we really? I'm pissed that most of the gay/bi guys that are my age in this area are going to stay in the closet for quite some time because of this. I'm pissed that I can't openly find boyfriend and be able to walk around holding his hand.
     
  12. eleven95

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    Damn.. I double posted. I don't know how to fix that..
     
  13. rangerfan

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    Hi and welcome to EC, I know exactly what you are going through, I first admitted to my self that i liked boys and girls around my freshman year in high school, and being on sports teams was also very difficult for me. I play on my school's football and ice hockey team, so it was very difficult for me personally being around guys that I liked. I say just take it on step at time, coming to realize that you are gay is a big step in itself. On playing sports it took me time, just to think as my teammates as good friends and not someone I want to hook up with.

    My parents also are very conservative Christians, but over time I think they have accepted the gay culture, i haven't come out to them yet, but i will very soon. And trust me you will find people at your school who are like, it took me time to figure out who those people were, but now i am so grateful to have them in my life.

    If you need anything to talk about just write to me and I will try to help you in any way I can.