I like my therapist and want her to be my friend instead of my therapist. I think about her all the time. I wonder what kind of beer she drinks and what she does on the weekend. I wish that our kids could be friends. I wonder if shes gay. When I have hard things to do I think it would be okay if she was with me. I wonder what she would say to me if she was my friend. Am I too needy? How crazy am I really? I want to quit therapy all the time because it is really painful knowing that I work really hard at this relationship. It's probably the best I've ever had... how stupid is it that it is a relationship that has to end. I want her to tell me that everything's going to be okay and that when we finish our work maybe we can be friends. I think it's a control thing too that's driving me even more crazy. I can't make the situation be what I want it to be.:tears:
There are profess boundaries that your therapist should respect. I do think it would be wise to declare these feelings if you haven't already done so.
The nature of the therapy relationship is such that you cannot be friends with your therapist. I like my therapist very much, she's a very important person in my life. But I would never grab a beer with her, I would never invite her to a party. Those things are beyond the bounds of the professional relationship. You need to discuss your feelings about your therapist with her and decide if it's possible for you to maintain the counselor-client relationship. If you can't, you may need to seek therapy elsewhere. Your therapist can help you find a new counselor if that is the case.
Liam's got it right. Even if you quit therapy, depending on the state, the therapist could not be friends with you for a pretty lengthy period (6 months to 2 years) after you terminated therapy. You need to tell her at your next session about what you're feeling. It's actually a very normal thing, and something that many people go through while in therapy. It's a form of transferance, and, skillfully handled by your therapist, can be really helpful and beneficial to your therapy. But if you don't share your feelings with her... then you're likely to get yourself into a difficult situation that won't be helpful to you. You're lucky to have a therapist you feel a strong connection to. I'm sure if you share what you're feeling, she will help you in understanding it and help you understand the feelings that are coming up and being projected onto your therapist.
It sounds like you have transferance; you reveal all of you deepest feelings to her and she listens and makes you feel better so you feel like your developing feelings (romantic or otherwise) for her.
Hi Snackcake, My name is Blair, and I am the social work consultant for EC. In my professional life, I'm a therapist for LGBTQ+ persons. What you're experiencing is quite normal, actually. Therapy is about supporting people to find resources, strengths, and solutions to dilemmas that we encounter in our lives. The therapeutic relationship is based on empathy and nurturing. Since therapy can be so intimate it is quite easy for people to develop feelings for their therapist. I too have a therapist, and I have confided in her so much of my self, more so than to any of my friends. Thus, I fear losing that trusting relationship as well. But that fact of the matter is, I don't know her. She discloses only very little about herself, and only when it's therapeutically beneficial. I do the same with my clients. Therefore, it's easy for me to project on to her what I want to see in her. Therapy works because of transference. Transference is used to describe the things that we put on to other people from our own life experiences (unmet needs and desires, fears, angst, etc.). Therapists intentionally withhold themselves, so that they are a blank slate for us to transfer all of our stuff on to them, so that they can help us work through that unresolved stuff. I'm not sure how much your therapist discloses, but I'm sure she follows the same rule of thumb. When my clients disclose their feelings for me, we work through them together. It's helpful to for them when I distinguish between a friendship, and a friendly relationship. They are quite different. I also support a number of clients to try and achieve the same vulnerability with other trusted persons in their lives as this usually helps. For many of my clients, I'm the first person that has ever listened and affirmed their experiences. This is quite a novel experience, which is profoundly impactful. Therefore, it isn't unusual to want to keep that person in your life. Therapeutic relationships are also a place of safety and containment, when our worlds are up side down. Therefore, I can see why your control needs are activated. Lastly, the reason why therapist are ethically bound to not have relationships outside of the counselling room is because friendships are reciprocal, and ideally based on equality. Should a therapist have a friendship with a client outside of work, we will always relate to you as a client and vise versa. The client will be in a vulnerable position because we enter the friendship with a ton of information, we know your triggers, your raw spots, and the list goes on. You know very little, if any information at all, about the therapist thus placing you in a very awkward position. We also assume therapists are lovely people, but just as anyone else we have our own flaws. We might not even be nice people outside the counselling room. Moreover, relationships are patterned and that pattern of the therapeutic dyad will invariably continue. I'm sure in very rare cases this isn't so, but to prevent harm it's a universal ethic that is quite important. I encourage to speak with your therapist openly about these feelings if you haven't already. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Feel free to message me if you have any questions or need further support. Best, Blair
