Hi guys. First of all, I'm new here. Sorry to be that person who gets a membership solely to whine about shit. I promise to be as supportive to you all as much as I can in the future. So I'm 21, and everything's going pretty well. I'm gay, and I'm pretty comfortable with my sexuality. I'm studying a university degree that's prestigious and interesting, I have fantastic friends, a great, loving family, and a nice enough house. I'm a poor student but I enjoy it. I get paid for doing something I love doing and I get to do it almost every day. Thing is, I'm really, really lonely. Most of the time I manage to deal with it pretty successfully; I keep myself busy, and I keep my chin up. I'm only 21 and I know I shouldn't go expecting the world, and I don't. But the unfortunate reality is there's no one in the gay community with whom i've ever identified. People don't pick me as gay - unless I specifically tell them so - and all of my friends are straight (girls and guys). I feel as if the only way I'd ever even so much as get a date is if I went around with a tattoo of my sexuality on my forehead (not literally, but you get my drift) and that's just not who I am. I'm very, very rarely attracted to people, and no-one I've ever been attracted to has felt the same for me. I realise this is all quite self-indulgent, but I'm really really scared. I've never been in a real relationship (not even a brief one) and I am starting to try to come to terms with the fact that there's a very realistic chance that, at least on the whole 'relationship' front, things might not be going to turn out that peachy for me. That's ok. My psychological mechanisms for coping with stuff like this are usually pretty comprehensive, but at the moment I'm just starting to not be able to deal. I need some help. I don't need to know how to find the love of my life; I just need to know how to keep my head above water. I just need to know how you keep smiling. Thanks for your help and sorry to whine. I swear I'm not nearly as self-obsessed as this post is. :dry:
The reality of lonesomeness is something that everyone has to face in their life; irrelevant of sexuality, gender, age etc. Unfortunately, there is little one can do when it comes to facing these daemons. It's not fair for others to simply say 'Learn to be happy being single" or "Try harder to find a partner" to you, as the difficulty of achieving those things without forcing yourself to become or behave like something you're not, is incomprehensible. There is hope though It's about perspective, and action. There's two things I always suggest to people when their world starts to take a more 'half empty, not half full' feel. Firstly, your perspective needs a bit of adjustment, in the nicest way possible. You need to always remember just how many people there are out there, and how much they vary. I know it's cliche, but buddy, you really are a small fish and seriously big ocean. Mathematically, logistically, whatever you want, the chances of you meeting someone you do share interests with, do connect with, are attracted to and in a reciprocating circumstance are MASSIVE! Almost 100%! You just need to keep an open mind, take all available opportunities and keep trying. The second thing is action! Whether it's Newton's laws, or "The Golden Rule", everything in life seems to lend itself as evidence to that idea that if you want something to happen, something has to initiate it. If you're the kind of person that isn't an 'obvious gay' then that initiation has to come from you. Now don't take this the wrong way, I'm not implying you need to go round directly telling people you're gay, going to gay clubs etc. Consider it an application of the butterfly effect. Do small things that change your day to day life. Excitement and change are both exhilarating and productive! Consider things like taking new walking routes to Uni/work, eating at new places, joining a different society etc. All these SMALL things build new networks, new skills and also keep you distracted whilst creating new interests for you. Every person you meet wont be gay, heck, hardly any of them will be, but I bet you, most of them will know atleast one! The world is separated by 6 digrees, but you can't facilitate if you're not expanding. If you ever want to chat more comprehensively, send me a PM when you become a full member (I don't think you're allowed to yet). I don't post that much around here, but I'm always here, and happy to talk.
Welcome to EC! You'll notice that the name of this section is "Support & Advice". In short, it's where people go to be self-absorbed, and whine about their problems. So, y'know, you're in the right place. You say that you don't indentify with anybody in the "gay community". I guess the obvious question then is what you consider the "gay community". I ask because a lot of gay people fresh from the closet go to a gay club or two, and then decide that "they've got nothing in common with the other gays". Which is a bit like somebody going to a NASCAR race, and then coming away thinking "I don't have anything in common with other straight guys". Gay guys who go clubbing might be the most visible segment of the gays out there, but they're simply a subset of the total number of gays. Tons of gays rarely or never go out to clubs. So your best bet on this front is to expand your horizons. Have you joined the GLBTQ group at your university? Have you checked online for gay social groups in your area - gay bowling leagues, volleyball teams, things like that? Secondly, it's not uncommon to draw a mental image of your "perfect guy". You know, he'll be six feet tall, muscular, drop-dead gorgeous, a Rhodes scholar, funny as hell, and be 11" erect. And then you keep running into...y'know...normal people. And they come up short. (Usually literally.) But that doesn't mean you're either destined to be alone, or that you'll have to "settle". For instance, my "dream guy" was tall, slim and built. And I'm now partnered to a short, round guy. And I didn't settle. I fell in love. When I met him, I didn't instantly say "Ugh, not for me". I interacted with him. I clicked with him on some level, so we kept interacting. And eventually, that "click" turned into like, and that like turned into love. I don't know have a "thing" for short round guys. But I'd still rather go to bed with him than anybody else. Because it's HIM. Short'n'round is just the package he comes in. So keep an open mind. Don't think in terms of "masturbatory fantasy" when you meet guys. Just talk to them, see if you connect on some level. If you don't, that's cool - you gave it a try. If you do, keep it going. Maybe it'll lead somewhere. Lex
Yea pretty much the above posters have given you the facts. But you knew them already, didn't you. It is not facts that you want, because for you, you must feel happy, and if these facts cannot make you happy, the only thing you can do to make yourself happy is to tell yourself to keep up the hope that some day in the near future, happiness will find you. And in good spirit you might start propelling yourself out there to do things that you've never done before, baby steps, though, this will work in a cyclic manner such that the second law of thermodynamics will hold, that the entropy will always be increasing! You will find love, honey.
Wow, this sounds a lot like me in almost all aspects hehe. I'd have to say the same as everyone else has, which is put your self out there in different situations, especially checking out any GLBT clubs. That's what I started doing just this past week or so and I've really enjoyed it. Everyone I've met so far has been great and things seem to be looking up. Just keep going trying new things and meeting new people and it will all work out.
Thanks guys. In a related thing, I'm kind of sick of having to come out to everyone I meet. There's people who I'm friends with who I don't think would be my friends had I gone up to them and said "Nice to meet you, I'm a homo", but it always goes on too long and I end up having to come out and it's always a huge surprise. How do you guys deal with that?
You don't need to get a visible tattoo on your sexual orientation, and as Lex already pointed out, which I will re-emphasise as IMO it is THAT EFFECTIVE - your university LGBT group! If you want to meet more LGBT people, just check out their events. And if your university does nto have a LGBT group, check out community groups. Well, if you do not have community groups around your area, then that's a separate issue. As for coming out, I usually don't go "Nice to meet you, I'm a homo". Rather, I act exactly how I would act naturally. However, instead of "she's hot", it'd be "he's hot", or instead of "I spent time with my girlfriend", it'd be "I spent time with my boyfriend", etc etc. I personally never liked forcing the topic of sexual orientation into my daily conversation. Instead I prefer just acting like my sexual orientation is "normal" in my "normal" conversations. And if they get surprised or ask, I'd explain further. Though this is just my approach though, you should try out a couple to decide which approach best fits you All the best!
Once I told all my friends, I never had to actively come out. Some people work with me for several months before finding out, but others find out pretty quickly. If for some reason I WANT somebody to know, I just drop in a reference to "my boyfriend". You can do the same simply by putting it into the future. "I wish I had more time and places to look for a boyfriend." Lex
Hey there Just dropping by to say that I know how you're feeling. Don't lose hope, the right person will come along