So, I've been "out" to my parents for almost a year now. I told them just before last Christmas. Well, when I got home from college for Christmas we talked face to face, but then never addressed it again. My dad thought I was going through a phase and just wasn't sure of myself. This in turn caused me to start questioning myself. So this past year has been nothing but ups and downs for me while I have tried to work on myself. I went to a support group meeting last week, which was good. I also talked to my cousin (face to face) who is also gay. We have very similar stories/experiences and it was comforting to talk to him. So I emailed my parents Tuesday, giving them a link to a parent's website about parents that dealt with their son's coming out. I then went on to tell them that I was open to questions and I would like to start talking to them again if they felt ready. My dad emailed me back and said he still felt the same way as last year when we talked. He feels I haven't gotten to know myself well enough yet. He says because I never dated in high school (and still haven't) that I skipped important steps most teenagers go through and that I needed to go back to those stages and seek counseling on the "pain" points. He said I also needed to figure out my problems with men (I don't think I have any, I don't hate men, in fact I'm friends with many guys I just don't want to date them). While I sort of understand why he is saying these things, I couldn't help but wonder if he would have told me this had I come home announcing I had a boyfriend last year? I don't think he would have. I also don't see how not dating during high school relegates me to the level of a 12 yr old. I think, even though he says its okay regardless of the gender I end up with, he still has some issues with my being gay. Its almost as if he doesn't quite believe me. I know he's talked to my grandmother, and I know my grandmother's position is that I just haven't met the right guy yet. She thinks its a matter of maturity, in that I just don't feel attracted to guys my age b/c they aren't mature enough for me. I told her that doesn't explain why I feel the way I do about certain girls. Its like they want me to access these "hidden" feelings I have for guys. I'm sorry, but I'm just not attracted to guys that way, I've thought about it, but it doesn't seem natural to me. So somewhere along the line my family and I are not seeing eye to eye. I just don't know how to help them or myself. The other night after reading my dad's reply to me I broke down and cried harder than I have in a long time, and if it wasn't for my roommate sleeping, I probably would have screamed in frustration. I just wanted to hit something, or be angry at something. I don't want the object of my anger to become my parents, because I know they love me, but I feel that this is where we are headed. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel sad and frustrated and alone. I feel like all the progress I made in accepting myself this last year just went completely down the drain. I know I'm an adult and I should be able to get past this issue with my parents, but its just not easy. I've always been close with my parents and they have always respected my judgement until now. Sorry this got so long. Thanks for any advice.
I guess they're in denial Either that, or they're just trying to find hope that you could have feelings for guys I don't know if waiting for it to sink into their minds is a good idea, after hearing/reading that even after a year has passed and nothing much really changed. I'm not good with advices but... I know a hug wouldn't make things worse (*hug*) I hope that everything turns out fine for you
I think they are at a point where they somewhat accept and acknowledge that you are gay but in the back of their minds they are still clinging slightly to that hope that you will turn out how they always pictured you would, like when you said it's almost as if they want you to access some hidden feeling for men. And I think also they are respecting your judgement to a degree, but since (obviously) this is something that affects you for the rest of your life, they want you to be totally sure where you stand. In time most likely they'll realize you aren't joking, you don't hate men, and that you know yourself well enough to make this decision.
"Avoid the issue and it just might go away." That seems to be the way that your Dad is "dealing" with the issue. The fact of the matter is, you are who you are. You are not a different person than what he has known for these past 21 years. There is a 800 pound gorilla in the room that he is ignoring, but it is time that the gorilla gets some attention. We grow up in a society where parents coddle their children with nearly absurd notions of the emotional psyche, claiming that children can't handle the situation being faced. Once the children start to grow up, the role reverses and the children start rationalizing similar notions. How many of us have thought at one time or another, "I can't tell them, they wouldn't be able to handle it"? These are the people that bring us up, set a standard for our moral compass and we belittle them saying they can't handle a situation like their child is gay. I believe even the mediocre parents deserve a little more credit than that. It is time to for parents to deal with it like adults. There is no reason to shield them from the truth. I appreciate the fact that you have spoken to your parents. He brings up a good point that you did probably miss some steps in the dating cycle. Until he is ready to concede that you aren't going to be searching for the boy next door though, the point is moot. He needs to be able to support you for who you are, not who he wants you to be. Much like he didn't choose to be straight, you didn't choose to be a lesbian. Everyone plays the hand that is dealt to them, that is how life goes. I think you just need to be blunt and say, "It is not a phase, I am not going to find the right boyfriend and miraculously change my mind. I am who I am, and I am okay." There are a few parents here on the boards, parents that I respect their opinions. They may not have wanted to deal with their personal situations when it arose, but they seemed to have adjusted to it well, they did not spiral out of control and crash. Sure the path may have been bumpy at times, but just like everything else in their life, they managed to handle the situation. The key in any relationship is communication, but communication is a two way street. One person must be sending a clear message, the other must be receptive to it. If either side is failing all communication is lost. The trick is to get the message sent and received between parties, you've taken a big step. I hope your message finds its receptor that has been distorting the signal.
I don't know if this will help, but I was in a very bad place for several weeks after my son told me. I felt lonely, lost, disorientated... all sorts of bad things. Then my son showed me EC, I came here, I read your posts. I saw what a great bunch of really great guys you all are, giving support and advice. Showing that you are intelligent caring people, not strange two headed monsters from another planet. The gay community became more real for me, less scary and helped me open my heart and mind to your problems. If you feel up to your dad possibly reading your posts, but then you don't have to tell him your user name, it might help him to come here and see that you are all just normal people trying to come to terms with something which is still 'socially unacceptable' because society has a problem, not you guys. Just a thought
My husband thought our son had not had enough experiences with girls either when he came out. I bought him some books to read, he read them, and was fine. I would suggest buying the book "Now that you Know" for your dad and asking him to read it! He's stuck in this denial phase and needs a push out of it. He doesn't understand homosexuality. He is the one confused! You know who you are and you should focus on being with the person that makes you happy. Your dad will come around.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I typed up a reply to my parent's on Wed. and they never responded so I was getting worried I'd upset them. Then they emailed this morning saying they weren't upset and we would talk this weekend. My dad said my response was perfect and that he had typed a reply and then lost it. My mother just said, this wasn't the life they had imagined for me, but that its my choice. Yes, she believes its a choice. Becky, I'll see about getting them that book.
