1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How do you decide your role

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dave the rave, Apr 21, 2011.

  1. Dave the rave

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2011
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I have been thinking a lot recently about my gayness and I am not really clear on my role. My sexual experiences are very limited in fact when I read how much sex some guys get from a very early age I am amazed. I would say that among my 8 closest mates only one gets sex regularly. Another one has had a spell of getting regular sex but not recently and I recon the other 6 are still virgins of course they would deny that they all tell stories of this girl on holiday or some other fantasy they have dreamed up
    We range in age from 16 – 18 the one getting regular is 16. maybe we are all just dicks who could not score in a brothel.

    I have never really been close to any girl ever they have always annoyed me and me them. Mum’s like me but Daughters don’t. I am not in anyway effeminate or a pretty boy. My fashion sense is to be honest crap so I honestly don’t think I fall in to the gay stereotype in any way. I don’t ever want to dress up a a girl I don’t think I am a Girl in a guys body or anything like that I am 100% GUY I just know that I am gay because I think about guys when I Jiggle my Pickle and only look for guys when I look at porn. Yet for most of my mates it is lesbian porn they prefer. I think most of them would rather watch two girls getting off than having a one on one with a girl. That might not be the case but that’s the way they talk.

    Any way back to me and my questions.
    How do you know what your role is say for example. You met a guy lets presume both of you know you are gay and you both want to have sex but neither of you have ever went the full way. But you both want to. How do you decide who is the top and who is the bottom ? Can two guys who are going out with each other do it both ways giving and receiving or is it normal for one to give and one to take. Most of the stuff I have read suggests that you should be either a top or a bottom but being gready I think I want to do everything if I ever get a boyfriend. I have tried anal penetration with a couple of things like pens and stuff and I do like the feeling but I would also love to be the one giving it. Is this normal or am I double weird not only gay but sort of a confused gay?
    So my questions to you are

    (1) When you first started having regular sex where you a top or a bottom
    (2) How did you decide what your role was going to be
    (3) Do you do both
    (4) Or is your role different with different people
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Hi there, and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place.

    You're not weird at all! Lots of guys are what is often called 'versatile' - they are cool with being a top or a bottom. My partner and I are both 'versatile' and wouldn't want it any other way. Sex as a result is alway interesting, because it could go either way.

    Also remember though that there are lots of sexual acts other than anal sex. So even if you end up in a relationship with someone who isn't also versatile, there are still lots of things that you can both engage in that you'll likely find very enjoyable.

    To answer a couple of your other questions, when I first started 'experimenting' sexually with other men, I was the 'top'. That's the role I was more familiar with, as I was in a heterosexual relationship first. But over time, I wanted to experience other things as well.

    I also think your partner can determine what 'role' you might play in your physical relationship. Everyone is different, and the way you feel about yourself and your partner will change as your partner changes.

    Hope this helps.
     
  3. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC!

    Let's move away from sex for a bit. Let's say you need to go get dinner, and you're dining out (and say money isn't really much of an issue). Where do you go? What do you order? Now ask yourself - why did you want to go there? Why did you want to order that? Almost certainly, your answer is one of two things.

    1. "It just sounded good."
    2. "I've tried it before, and I really liked it."

    These are precisely the same answers that people give for sex. When I first had sex with a guy, I tried a few things specifically because "they sounded good". I had fantasized about them, and they sounded hot. Now, I usually pick one of a few things, because "I've tried them before, and I really liked them." And yes, even now, I'll occasionally want to do something different. Why? Because "it sounded good". :slight_smile:

    As far as "roles", as Jim pointed out, many guys are actually versatile. Many people do have a preference, but that doesn't mean they're insistent on it every time. Just as when you get together with friends and decide on what to do, you may not wind up doing what you most wanted to do just then. But you'll usually go and have a good time anyway. Why? Because you're with friends, and you have fun with them. And sex is the same way - even if you wanted to do X, you're probably not too unhappy with the idea of doing Y. Because Y is still sex, and you're still doing it with this guy you like. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. Revan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Messages:
    7,850
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    (1) When you first started having regular sex where you a top or a bottom
    Versatile Bottom
    (2) How did you decide what your role was going to be
    I knew I could top at times, but because I liked having a cock inside me I chose bottom though frankly, the top thing I'd like to do more too but I have...issues with staying erect.
    (3) Do you do both
    Sometimes
    (4) Or is your role different with different people
    Depends on the person yes.
     
  5. Holmes

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2009
    Messages:
    611
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Ireland
    It's not something you really need to worry about until you think you're likely to have sex with someone, and even then, it'll probably just come naturally when you're fumbling around with someone. I think most people are versatile but lean towards one. I'd certainly lean towards being the bottom, I knew as much from watching porn before I had ever had sex. There are no firm guidelines matching effeminate/macho to top/bottom, everyone is different. And most people do just work it out, liking the feeling of it either way.

    In either position, do bring condoms and lube when it's your first time. And if you are the bottom, trust me, you'll want to be using lube.

    In the mean time, don't think it's something you have to focus on till you find yourself in the situation.
     
  6. Dr Acula

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2009
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    UK
    I don't think I consciously decided. I just tried both whilst fooling around for my first few times and found I liked bottoming more. Don't get me wrong, being top is still fun, but bottoming is awesome.
     
  7. Dave the rave

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2011
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks Guys sounds like I will just have to wait until Mr Right comes along. I just don't understand what is keeping him. If you see him will you send him my way Please.
    Dave
     
  8. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If you're "not out at all", Mr Right probably won't know that you're on the market. :slight_smile:

    Lex