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Probably bi or lesbian...first time I've written that!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Anji, Apr 21, 2011.

  1. Anji

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    Ok, so I was going to type this for myself anyway so thought I might as well post it here. Doesn't matter if anybody reads it or not but I think it might be a first step for me that I've actually typed it out and left it somewhere and not just deleted it from my screen like I normally do.

    When I was a young kid I think I knew that I was attracted to both genders and it seemed natural. I was always around boys playing football or building dens so I think they just saw me as one of the guys rather than a 'girl'. I've never been interested in make up and clothes and would always try and change the subject if female friends starting going on about 'boys' I might be interested in; although I have had feelings for some guys.

    As I was groiwng up I have had sexual relationships with men and I have fallen in love with at least one. It was a long distance relationship and ended, for a final time, within the last few months. As we only saw each other occasionally I had a lot of time on my own to think and found that the majority of people that I'd pass on the street or see on TV, and think were attractive, were women.

    Although I've had a quick grope with a girl while I was at school I've never done anything more than that. From the memory it got me far more excited than it ever has with the majority of men I've been with. When I've had vaginal sex I've always felt that there's been something missing so preferred anal, oral, or just being touched; even in the long term relationship I was in.

    Part of me still doesn't know if I'm a lesbian or if I'm bi. I know I still think, 'oh, that man's good looking' but don't really get turned on by them in the same way as I would by a woman. I know some people see being bi as some kind of a cop out and I don't want them to think this about me. I fancy who I fancy and can't help if they're male or female!

    I've always had short hair and I think a lot of people assume that I'm a lesbian anyway. I thought recently that my family did as well but they know that I've had boyfriends and the way they reacted recently after they found out a guy I know is gay kind of suggested they don't. They didn't react badly but there was no acknowledgement when they were speaking to me about it that I might be too.

    I'm at a stage where I want to start coming out to people now but I'm not sure of the best way to go about it. Hopefully this site will help me with that...I'm so glad I've found it! I think I'd be more comfortable in telling people if I was in a relationship at the time but also realise that it's a bit of a catch-22 situation in that I've not got near so much chance of being in a relationship if I don't come out first.

    Feel better for having written that already :slight_smile:
     
  2. Foxywolf

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    Yeah most of us have been there done that, I know it is hard and confusing. I do have those occasional, 'Oh that guy is good looking,' moments but when I look at myself, I can't see myself being happy in a relationship with a guy. I just don't have that connection. And as you stated I also find the ladies more attractive :slight_smile:
    Yeah I know how it feels to be an 'undercover gay' (even though you might be bi). And then the moment you let someone know (even if it is someone on the internet) you feel like you cannot hide it anymore (at least that's how I felt).
    It is nice to get things off your chest and just hear other peoples experiences and stuff. I found this website very helpful. Reading other peoples experiences really helped me with my coming out experience. (They say coming out has two parts, coming out to yourself and coming out to everyone else).
    A lot of people who are gay do end up coming out as bi first, I don't think it's a cop out. Part of the time a person who comes out as bi really is bi, but other times the person is just gay, but think they're bi because of all the years they had just assumed they were straight.
    Even if you are gay I think it is perfectly fine to come out as bi first. Partly to gauge peoples reactions and partly to give yourself some time to adjust (yes often you need to adjust to the idea of being attracted to the same gender).
    I don't know, you might be bi, you might be gay, you might be bi leaning gay, you might be pansexual (gender doesn't matter) you might never know for sure and just define yourself as 'not straight.'
    To tell you the truth only time will tell, time and thinking. What helped me was thinking of who I wanted to live with the rest of my life, who I wanted to marry. For me it's a girl.
    I don't know if anything I said will help you, it was just kind of a mind dump of all my thoughts.
    Good luck!
     
  3. IanGallagher

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    Sexuality is fluid.

    I've always dreamed about having relationships with girls, marrying a girl and settling down. I've never really dreamed of settling down with a guy. Having a fun time with, maybe dating for a while? Yeah, for sure. After much introspection I could have a boyfriend and there's definitely guys I've fallen for emotionally. I'd like a boyfriend someday. Saying that sometimes I dream for a 'prince' too is basically like saying I'm gay, but I also like girls. So, why hold back? Marriage isn't until my thirties.

    But, with girls there's always been this more "magnetic" pull towards the ones I've fallen for 'love at first sight.' I've also gotten aroused by girls at the worst times - like a funeral for one. Whereas guys it's much more a 'physical' pull. Thus, I hate to say this but in my mind I'd be - "girls for the romantic sort of thing, guys for other stuff" - most of the time, thus since I don't like using people I'll pursue girls more. I can honestly say a relationship with either one would be great though.

    If you really are bi, I think you could see yourself happily in a relationship with either sex because (1) you're more attracted to people as a whole, the closer or more intimate you are - the more turned on you get (2) if you've ever had "straight days" and "gay days," fluctuations, which make things very confusing because some days you can be 'all gay' and think you've become 'all gay' only for the next day to be 'all straight' and think you're not gay anymore [in this case, ask yourself with every partner - can I see myself spending my life with him/her in the long run or is this a primal fluctuation thing? Souls are better for bis that change frequently] (3) sometimes places can be hard to navigate because you turn right to see hot girls, left to see hot guys and your brain goes "I want them both!" that's a definite bi sign.

    It's a confusing world where one needs a lot of confidence and the ability to remember their previous waves in order to not question one's identity (there have been people going through a 'gay only' phase only to realize, "damn, I'm really bi"). This might ease "how do other bisexuals feel?" Yeah, I've thought I was gay sometimes too (a lot of us do)... but getting horny just by being in a room filled with girls? Or a girl really catching my attention in a primal way? I know I'm not because I'd be giving those girls up.

    I'd say if you can only see yourself emotionally/physically/romantically attached with the same sex then you probably are gay or lesbian. If you have pure primal feelings for the opposite sex, including fantasies, then you know you're somewhere in the kinsey scale with possible leanings. As said, I'm a fluctuating bi which makes life like 'Space Mountain' never knowing if I might wake up gay or straight because it keeps going back and forth. I'd choose a side if I could, but that wouldn't feel natural - it'd feel forced.

    Here's a better guide since sexuality is really fluid:

    If you chose to identify as a lesbian, would you feel like you're giving something up?

    If yes, then you're bi in some sense. If you say no, you don't like guys as much as you thought you did because you can easily give them up. Me? A bi guy? Some girls and some guys won't want to date me because of my status - thus I'm giving something up too, but I'd like to think having the whole spectrum makes up for that.
     
    #3 IanGallagher, Apr 21, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2011
  4. Anji

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    Thanks for your responses. I think the 'not straight' thing makes sense. I don't like labels as I think things in life are way more complicated than that but saying that I'm not straight is 100% accurate.