Hey everyone, I'm 23 years old from a very rural & homophobic community in middle of nowhere, Canada. I've known I am gay for years now. It started around grade 6 and I started questioning in grade 9. By grade 10 I knew for sure, though I'd never ever been with a guy. I immediately suppressed the feelings and felt the need to act as straight as I could, going as far as winning "class flirt" at graduation time. I never had a problem finding girls to make out (though rarely went any further with them), or I'd have a girlfriend for a few months at a time (basically only having sex when we were drinking). Because of this, no one ever really questioned my sexuality and I am almost positive no one expects that I am gay. Although since high school I have not had a girlfriend. I have been traveling usually 6 months a year so I'm away from home A LOT. Which helps, but I'm just realizing now that I can not keep running away from my problems at home. Sooner or later I have to come home and face it. It's getting to a serious point where hiding my sexuality is causing me major problems. All last year I'd have anxiety attacks (about 5 times ending in hospital). I'm now on meds for that. Worse is I'm unhappy, probably mildly depressed (though not diagnosed). I really don't want to address it to medical professionals. I feel I can solve this one without drugs, it's just a matter of coming out! Coming out status: I moved away in 2009 to start university in a larger town a few provinces over. I only knew one person in this town when I moved. At first I did not come out to her. I waited until November, after she noted my unhappiness (drinking to an unhealthy point, making out with random girls and basically abusing my body). She was amazingly accepting, and said she had NO idea. Since then I told a half-dozen or so other friends at university and everyone was great. I even made out with another guy (who was pretty hot!) But I felt enormous stress. The "double-life" is not for me. It's either come out to everyone or no one. In January 2010 I quit school and moved back home. I was going to come out but couldn't do it...I just worked the 9-5 and saved for another trip. In the summer I went away to Europe for 2 months with friends and a sibling and while away my anxiety attacks began for the first time. I am terrified of being outed. Anyways, I basically came home and got on my meds. I began working the 9-5 again and saving for another trip (anything to get away again). This time though I worked 6 months, totally unhappy with my life and sick of hiding my sexuality and living home. I went away with my friend from university who knows I'm gay. That was great to be myself with her, except we went to Asia, which isn't exactly gay-friendly... But still I had a great time with her. But, I've been home for 2 weeks now and after living for 2 months without worries and stress-free, I am having a seriously hard time now. So why not just come out right? Well here's the catch. I am leaving on Tuesday for Greece and then Africa for 3 months. And I am going with family for the first 4 weeks. 2 in Greece with my siblings then 2 in Africa with my parents, siblings, cousins... I am considering coming out to my siblings in Greece because we are going to Mykonos and that would be torture for me...No matter what I am going to sneak out one night there! But I almost want to tell me whole family before the trip... Is that crazy talk? I am quite sure no one has any idea. They will likely be shocked and possibly even reject me. They are not exactly gay-friendly though very loving and generous people. I don't know how they will react to be honest. Anyways, if I don't it will have to wait until August. But it is consuming my thoughts. I am not working these few weeks between Asia and Africa. I'm just home. I'm not so worried about my friends, but feel like I need to tell my family. By the way my siblings do not live home anymore...it's just me and my parents. Soooo now that you have my story (sorry it's so long) what would you do???? Help me please! Any advice is good advice! Thank you so much!
Hi, and welcome to EC. Firstly, know that you are SOO not alone, a lot of us have horrible anxiety before we come out, and being afraid is totally normal, so don't beat yourself up over it. my suggestion is to actually come out to a really close friend first, one you think will be receptive and supportive, it will make coming out to your family a lot easier when someone you care about supports you. about those anxiety attacks, if you go to a therapist, they can't talk to anyone about what you tell them, and it could be really really helpful to address the cause of your anxiety, and they can help you work through other issues in your life too. I've seen a therapist, and it made a world of difference in the quality of my life, just by having someone who would listen that I could trust. best of luck -Rob
Hi there, and welcome to EC. This is becoming a real problem for you. I think you're right in attributing your anxiety and unhappiness to being in the closet. Many of us here have gone through the same thing. So... do you think that your life and how you feel could get worse by coming out, or is there really only one way to go, and that's up? Because it's time to come out when the possible benefits outweigh the possible downside. You might have come to that point. You need to feel good and confident about all this yourself first. Hanging out here, and taking strength from the rest of us is one way to do that. Good luck!
Welcome to EC! It seems to me like you are ready to take the leap. I say you go for it and take the plunge. Like Jim said, you life is suffering for being in the closet and having to lie so its time to take care of it The tricky part here is the whole trip thing. I would say to wait until you guys come back, but thats up to you and how long you think you can wait to do it. Good luck
Thanks everyone for the replies. I decided I'm going to wait until August, although I may come out to some siblings at some point of the trip. But my parents are going to have to wait until I get back from Africa in August. Which is fine! It's just hard to live with them and have them not know the truth. Being away from them should make the time much easier. Going to Africa is a great way to "take a break" from being in the closet too by the way! For anybody who is overwhelmed with the closet life, I'd say travel. Though it's probably not often recommended to run away from your problems, travel can really give your mind a break from the constant paranoia and fear of people finding out who you really are at home. But, as in my case, I've been doing it too long and it's time to settle down and face the "real world" or at least deal with my problems instead of avoiding the hell outta them. Anyways, I leave tomorrow so won't be back on here probably for 3+ months! But thanks for the replies. I'll be sure to check back when I'm home and let you know how much progress I've made! Thanks!
Hey everyone, I am back from Africa. It was amazing. I lived 3 months at an orphanage and miss the kids there sooo much. But anyways, gay talk... I came out to my sister and close friend in Athens, Greece about a week into the trip! Not by choice...we got drunk one night and I ended up with an American guy at one of the bars. Somehow we ended up making out (in the middle of the bar!) and my sister and friend caught us! Brutal! Worst way for anyone to find out! But they were both soooooo great and supportive. It was such a relief. That's it. That's the only progress I've had. Now that I'm home again they keep urging me to come out. At first they urged me to move away and go to school in September, but come out first. But, I'm already back in the 9-5 world, plus I'm broke. At first I didn't think I could live home and come out, but there may not be any other choice, plus it might be best anyways... I have NO idea how my parents will react... I assume horribly. Mom's pretty religious and Dad's pretty homophobic. My sister is pushing me to. And I want to. It just never feels like the right time. But is there ever a right time? There's my little update. Hope all is well with everyone and they're enjoying their summers. I am loving EC. So much useful stories and support. Thanks, B222G
Glad to have you back! I'm happy you had a good time away from home! When it comes down to the coming out, don't let your sister push you if you're not ready to come out. It sounds to me, though, that under your circumstances, you seem to have a lot of back up with school, with your supportive sister and friend. It all depends on how you think your parents will take it. If you rely on them for money and they don't take it well, that may not end well, but, as you're 23 you might be more independent in which case you can come out without worrying as much. Only come out when it feels natural and you're ready, though.
I'm glad you enjoyed your trip and came out to your sister and friend (not like you planned to, but hey, the result is the same)! And it sounds like it's time to come out to your parents. Your probably right, the time won't become any more "right" than this. And no matter how it goes, it will probably make YOU feel better. And then you don't have to live in a lie anymore which will be a huge favour for yourself. Because you deserve to be who you are, openly. Don't let your sister push you too much, just enough. It's good that she's supporting you and making sure you finish torturing yourself. I really wish you the best of luck coming out to your parents. After all, they are your parents, so they will love you no matter what.
I'm so happy for you. And welcome back... hope you really had a good time in Africa... and where in Africa were you. Well as for me, my sister caught me red handed too, while smooching a Dutch guy at home while I thought nobody was at home LOL
