Well, remember how I said my Mom and Dad accept me? I jumped to things and I am feeling beyond stressed. First off, my Mom asked - "are you really a homosexual?" NO! Bi. Not gay. Why can't people get this? Lean towards one side or another? I often float more towards girls. But that doesn't mean a lot. Because if a guy I liked had a better personality than the girl I liked, I'd go with him. Easily. So leaning? Why is it so hard for others to understand 'people' and that this isn't some pure black & white thing?! Next she tells me "keep it hidden. Don't tell the family. Don't tell the neighbors. Don't tell whoever it is you date until it's absolutely necessary" (by which point they might start wondering what else I've been lying to them about. I like the Anna Paquin routine of laying it all out on the table from the first date, am I wrong in thinking this way? I feel like anytime later would just make the person think I've been lying to them). Basically, "we accept you, but please god don't come out - the family will see you as a mutant!" Not those words but she did say so-and-so wouldn't accept me and object to me. To go back into hiding. So them saying they support me? In theory, they do... but everything else? This is more of a rant than anything else, but it's beyond discouraging. I was already feeling awkward and stressed around them and now I know why - what they say doesn't align with how they act... if it got out to family and friends that their son is bisexual, god forbid. I have absolutely no idea how to act around them now. :bang:
Aww. I hope things improve for you. Though the thing is, your parents might fear the societal rejection they might receive for having a non-straight son. Although I can't say the same for myself, my boyfriend's parents have that complex and he is pretty sympathetic of them. Although they love him, listen about the guys he dates, etc etc, they wish he were straight. It's a little unfair for them too. Here he is, frolicing happily in Canada, while his parents are back in a conservative country having to face relatively conservative family and friends. In essence, his parents face more discrimination than he does for his being gay. Well anyway, hope things improve and you'd feel better about it though.
Bisexuality just isn't an easy thing for many people to understand. In many ways it's harder to understand bisexuality than homosexuality. With homosexuality there can at least be a relation of liking one sex and not liking the other. Liking both sexs is much harder to relate to and understand. I know I personally don't understand it. I have no point of reference to relate to it. Note that doesn't mean I don't respect or acknolwedge it, I just can't understand feeling that way and have no way of imagining how it would feel. Whereas I can understand heterosexuality pretty easily since it's the same situation, just flipped sexes. As far as your parent's "accepting so long as you all pretend you aren't" issue, just wait it out. They just need time to adjust themselves to this and become comfortable with it. Just act normally. Once they see it's no big deal and that others don't react like it's a big deal they'll start to calm down and realize it really isn't an issue. You've had your whole life to become comfortable with being bi. They've had a matter of hours at this point (if I remember correctly when your earlier posts were). Just calm down and let time do its thing.
Well, I told my Mom two days ago. At first she was absolutely cool with it and told me the following morning everyone in the family would accept it, they'd be fine with it. My Dad was uneasy because he thinks the notion that girls would date bi guys is "unnatural," and that "it's my life to lead" - basically he's not okay with it and he's trying to find ways to ignore that. Earlier we went out to dinner. I saw a lot of hot girls. But, then a really hot guy walked in and I felt uneasy with my parents there. Despite also being attracted to his blonde girlfriend and more wanting to be him than with him (degrees, both would have been cool). My Dad probably saw how I reacted around him and that made it all too real. I heard my parents arguing when I got back. My Mom came into my room late with a complete change from what she said days before. I think me checking out a guy brought the notion that their son obviously likes boys too home to them for the first time. Luckily, I came prepared for the worst case scenario and 'educating' them about bisexuality including how it relates to me. Well, looks like that time has come. This also unfortunately means more awkwardness from my Dad, because I'll have to reiterate to him that this means I'll have boyfriends sometimes - bi's get double the prejudice (both can be hesitant to date us) but "double the chances" cancels that out, or as I'd like to see it. I think my Dad got to my Mom basically. Well, here goes nothing... at least it wasn't a total disaster.
Ah, I have exactly the same thing as you My mum made a big fuss to act accepting, but then: Mum: but you can't tell anyone Me: wtf why (and she's then fumbling for excuses) Mum: in case it causes trouble at work Me: why the hell would your colleagues know Mum: in case they went on your facebook Me: bitch please why would your colleagues be on my facebook and even then you need to stand up for yo'self because if hypothetically one of your colleagues was to say something and make you feel crap at work oh well just ignore then or tell them to shut up because they can't actually do anything to hurt you unless you let them Mum: no i can't do that if you tell anyone then you be dead man everyone at college will kill you Me: really you think i'm such a fool to believe that And it's quite odd because I live in a pretty homophobic area but I've never had a single homophobic comment at college. I've had like 2 incidents of cyberbullying but that was someone not from college and I could deal with that anyways
Really sorry to hear it didn't go as well as you first thought. I have a friend who went through almost exactly the same thing apart from if was with a guy at the time. He told his mum first and she seemed fine with it (would have prefered he was straight but ok with it). She then told his dad and everything went a bit mad and they decided that nobody else where they lived could ever find out (the place really isn't that homophobic). Their reaction then turned much more hostile when they realised he had a boyfriend. He's out where he lives now but still not in his parents town. At least that allows him to be honest most of the time but I know there's still other people he'd like to tell although his parents are coming around to the idea now but because he hid it again, pretended it was a phase, he's had to come out to then twice. Hopefully your parents will start to understand that you need to tell people soon.
>>>First off, my Mom asked - "are you really a homosexual?" NO! Bi. Not gay. Why can't people get this? Dude, you're 23. I'm assuming it took you several years to come to grips with your sexuality. And that's YOU, who have access to all of your stray thoughts and feelings. Your mother has apparently known for about 48 hours, and all she has to go on is what you've told her. Given this, it's not surprising that she doesn't instantaneously "get it". First off, don't be confrontational. It only sets up a barrier between you and them, and won't make them any more likely to want to understand. They'll be more likely to just be ignorant in silence, because it means not confronting you. When you explain things to them, don't do it in the roll-your-eyes, "here, nitwit, here's where you're wrong" sort of way. Calmly and simply explain your thoughts and feelings. Secondly, it's easy to see "don't tell anybody" as an indictment. As a "I don't want anybody to know I have a bisexual son" sort of comment. But there's usually a lot more behind it. And a lot of it is paternal. Many parents think that their children come out in a "spur of the moment" or "haven't really thought it over" sort of way. (Yes, I know you've thought it over. But again, they've known for a couple days, not the years that you have.) So they want to "make sure you're sure" before you make some sort of announcement that (they think) you may want to retract later. Also, remember, they're from a previous generation. Where being gay or bi often involved being "one of them", an outcast, a fringe member of society that got looked at askance. And parents tend to worry that their child is going to suffer because of this, and want to protect them from it. Of course, it's nowhere near as bad as all that, but parents tend to fear the worst. (I don't know about yours, but my mother still thinks I'm going to drive into a tree every time I get in a car. And I've been driving for over two decades now...) So do your best to put those fears at ease. Tell them - again, calmly - that you've agonized over your sexuality for years. You've realized what you are, and you're at peace with what you are, and you'd like them to eventually be at peace with it as well. You're aware there may be risks or repercussions being known as bisexual, but since that is what you are, that is what you'll be. Lex
