Okay, I’m afraid this is going to be a long, confused post, but I’m feeling very confused at the moment. Actually, I’ve been feeling confused for quite a long time. I’m a 20-year-old Italian girl - not a teenager anymore - and I can’t for the life of me figure my sexuality out. I find it really, really irritating and tiresome. In the first place, because it’s me we’re talking about – and I feel like I, of all people, should be able to figure it out by myself. In the second place, because I’m getting tired of waiting. I’ve started to think I might be attracted to girls around the age of 13, but I never had any relationship whatsoever, either with a boy or a girl. I had sort of accepted the fact that time would “fix it”, and that the right person would come – either male or female – and that I’d finally be able to make up my mind. Of course it hasn’t happened. Here’s the thing. I’d really love to find someone to love, because I’m a big romantic. I crave love. But I don’t think I have a particular sexual attraction towards men. I mean, I notice if a boy is good-looking, but I never think of a boy as “hot” or “sexy”, like my girl friends tend to do. And although I’ve never experienced it, I’m not particularly turned on by the idea of sex, nor by the male body itself. On the other hand, I found the female body beautiful, but I wouldn’t say I get turned on by it, either. I can notice if a girl is particularly good-looking, and from time to time I’ve had fantasies involving women, but that’s what they were – fantasies I’m not even sure I’d like to experience for real. I’ve never acted upon them. There’s even been a moment when I’ve started to think I might be asexual, but I don’t think that’s the case. It’s not like I completely hate or reject the idea of sex – with the right person and at the right time, it’s something I’d like to experience. But I’m not so hell-bent on trying it, like some people I know. It’s like I don’t care much about it, after all. But it doesn’t mean I want to spend my whole life without being loved, without loving someone. The only times I’ve been kissed by guys, I didn’t even really liked it. And I do realize I often keep guys at arm’s length, and I may panic when they try to approach me . I admit I’m very shy and awkward, and I thought that might be the problem, at first. But I think there isn’t such a strong sexual attraction, either. It’s like I’m scared of intimacy, even though I crave it so much all at the same time. Does it make any sense? I don’t know if I'd like to be with a girl. The idea doesn’t scare me or anything - sometimes I think I should try it to know it for sure, but shouldn’t I know it for sure before trying it? I would never try it just for the sake of it. It’s really not like me. The other thing is, I’ve always felt very attracted to the LGBT community. I support gay and gay rights, and although I do not flaunt it, I don’t keep it secret either. I mean, my close friends and both of my parents know it. My mom and dad have even asked me, more than once, if I’m lesbian (partly because I’ve never had a boyfriend and I never talk about guys, partly because I’m so obsessed with all this “gay stuff” as they say). They are not bigots, thank God – they have even assured me that there would be nothing wrong with being gay (way to preach to the choir!) and I know it’s not just words for them, they really mean it. But I’ve always told them ‘no’, because ‘I don’t know’ seemed a stupid answer. I could have said them I’m confused, but it’s hard to explain it, and I wouldn’t feel too comfortable discussing these issues of mine with them, anyway. Sometimes I have asked myself if maybe I question my sexuality so much only because, deep down, I’d like to be part of the LGBT community, to really belong (to the point that I often find myself thinking that, if in an alternative life I was given the chance to choose gender and sexual orientation, I’d like to be male and gay. But this has nothing to do with my gender identity, I feel very much female, so let’s not go there). Or do I support the LGBT community and feel so strongly about it because, deep down, I know I am not completely straight? I’ve recently joined an LGBT group in my city. The group is also open to straight people, but frankly I don’t think there are many, if there are at all. I don’t know if it’s been the right thing to do, though. I mean, I feel sort of a faker. I cannot explain it any better than that. I haven’t been to a meeting yet, and I don’t know if I should. People will assume I’m either gay or bi - what if I find out I’m neither? I have this absurd fear, that I wouldn’t be really welcome then. I’m starting to hate all these labels – gay, bisexual, straight – I feel like nothing really applies to me. At the same time, I’m afraid to look like an hypocrite – here I am, talking about the right and the need to be proud of who you are, and yet I can’t make up my mind. The more I think about it, the more I don’t know whether I’m overthinking things too much, or if I’m maybe in denial about who I am. I keep telling myself that this is not true, because I’d rather know for sure and be done with it. But I’m just… so unsure of everything, really. I am so afraid of labeling myself, because the wrong label would be hard to take off. I gave myself time to figure it out, but it hasn’t really changed much. Sometimes I think I have issues that have nothing to do with my sexuality, and that I should be talking to a psychology instead, but I don’t have the time nor the money do it, so. If you stuck with me till the end of the post – wow, congrats. And well, I guess that what I wanted to know is, has anyone ever felt like this? So completely confused about yourself? What have you done about it? And what should I do? Would going to the LGBT meetings really help? Thanks in advice. Peace to all. And Happy Easter! (Btw, I've lurked for a while some time ago and I've just come back... I love this forum! (*hug*))
Hi Welcome to EC, Ok so we sound so similar, I've had fantasies about girls but never acted on them, I've also never had a boyfriend, I'm 26 and still live a home and I'm pro gay people as well, I can on'y watch soaps if they have gay story lines in them. I would say go to the meeting and see what you think, I've heard that straight people do go to LGBT meetings. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 24th Apr 2011 at 09:47 AM ---------- I wish there was a local LGBT community where I live, the nearest I can find is like two hours bus ride away
So who you are right now is 'unsure at the moment'. That's ok too. There is nothing 'fake' about you going to a group that you support the ideals of. Don't worry about having all the answers or even trying to look like you do. It will come when it comes.
Hey a lot of your story sounds very much like how I felt when I first joined EC so I can totally sympathise. I cant unfortunately give you a magical answer but I can say if you stick around EC and talk to a few people you will move forward and things will become clearer. I dont think it would be a bad thing to go to one of the meetings, perhaps you could try and find out what happens in their meetings (like do they run activities or do they all just sit around and chat) and that may perhaps help you make up your mind about whether or not you would like to go. I dont know about the group near you but a lot of groups have leaders or advisors a bit like here at EC and so it might be possible to talk to one of those prior to going and then perhaps you could kind of set the picture as to where you are at and how you feel and then maybe they would make you feel more comfortable at being accepted into the group. I personally think any LGBT group should welcome straight people just as much as LGBT folk, I mean surely all everyone wants really is everyone to be accepting of each other. I can understand not wanting to discuss it with your parents as well as not wanting to try a lable incase you are wrong, but I think that is actually quite a common concern and can be easily worked through. As for not really noticing either males or females sexually I can understand that, I had never really been turned on by girls and always wondered why my female friends obsessed so much over boys but the more I found myself the more open I got to being with a girl and then I found the more I liked them. I didnt work it out till I was 26 so dont worry your not that old yet.
Well, you can be asexual and still want to try having sex...some report having sex regularly and not minding it, even enjoying it, but not experiencing sexual attraction that says "I want this person sexually...my body and my person tells me so." I kind of consider myself asexual (Grey-A which means, more or less, more asexual than not), to relate experience, even though I am open to the idea of sex with a woman, I just don't actually have an impulse that tells me "I want to have sex with that person." Though I think, as well, it's possible to feel that way with a very special person and maybe if I thought more about that sort of thing, maybe I would feel that way, but the truth is I don't and so am attracted to women but experience that without thinking of sex (though am open to it and would probably enjoy it if only for the emotional outlet it provides versus the physical pleasure or whatever). But you can definitely be a lesbian without experiencing any distinct sexual attraction towards members of the same sex (I also read that women as more inclined to not experience full-blown desire to engage in the act until put in the situation, but I don't know how true that is). If you experience a distinct romantic attraction towards the same-sex and if pretty much exclusively for the same sex (or same-gender such as in cases of MtF), I think it's pretty safe to say you're lesbian, but that's something you have to confirm for yourself if that is true. One of the reasons why I prefer 'orientation' without assuming it's sexual in nature...meaning it's more than about sex and is emotional in nature but it's obviously not just being very good friends. Friends can be f*ck buddies, too.
Well, I was somewhat similar. I've never really "dated" anyone. I've had encounters and that's about it. Some of those encounters were stringed along by a few events, but never added up to anything. For most of my life, I have been content with not being in love and just living day-by-day. Since I've come out, though, this has radically changed. Now, I find myself lonely and craving someone to love. I attribute this to the closet. I probably felt this the entire time, but I buried it deep into the back of my mind because I thought it was impossible for someone to love me as I was. I guess my thought is that you seem like you're more interested in women, judging from what you said in your post. Maybe on some level, you're rejecting that and you're burying any feelings that you may have away. It's just a theory based on experience.
Hi there, and welcome to EC! I think you've come (or come back) to the right place. 20 isn't all that old. Some of us (i.e. me) didn't have a serious relationship (or have sex) with anyone until I was 25. I ended up marrying that person and had 2 kids before coming to the conclusion 10 years later that I was gay. As difficult as it may seem, you likely just need to give yourself some more time. So hang out here and see how it feels to contemplate being gay. Also try going to the group meeting. I don't see how it could hurt.
So with you. I have been completely confused about who I was before I started to connect the dots and even then it took me a while! Don't be afraid of labels. They suck, but don't be afraid of them. You can label yourself whatever you want, or not at all, and change it as many times as you want. Why not label yourself "figuring it out" and then...figure it out You have gotten some good advice so I'll just touch on going to the LGBT group. My advice is that you should go. You love the community, so go and enjoy it. Even if you come out as straight I can almost guarantee you that they will not cast you away. Cecil, one of the advisors here on EC, is a clear example of someone who is straight, loves the community and the community loves her back. Also, oneof my best friends, who is straight, is going to be the president of our GSA next year and everyone includes her in everything. We even kidnap her with us to gay clubs every so often haha I would say stop thinking so much about it and enjoy the ride
Thanks for you replies, everyone, you've all been very helpful. I guess I'll try to attend one of the LGBTQ meetings as soon as I have time. Let's see how that works out. :rolle: Hugs
I completely understand what you are going through right now as I am going through it myself. We will make it through though! I'm going to agree with all of the previous replies already with the advice they've given. Go to the meetings because they will help you out as much as they can. Hopefully, you'll be able to figure out who you are deep down. Best of luck to you!