First of all I am a 22 year old male, and come from a very religious and traditional family in Texas, where coming out was never an option. In fact there are no openly gay people at all in my family nor my extended family which are spread out all over the country. Recently the worst possible thing imaginable happened to me. My computer and email were hacked into (by a "friend" nontheless) and on it they found activity that pretty much "outs" me. I have been living a pretty heterosexual lifestyle all my life and have had numerous girlfriends and female sexual partners. I have never had any sexual experiences with another guy, and it wasn't until recently that I started having curious urges and wanted to explore. Now, my friends not only have incriminating internet activity but thanks to hacking into my email they also have some nude photos of myself soliciting sex. It took me a while to catch on, and at first I was getting treated differently, losing friends on social networking sites, people avoiding me, and finally people making strange comments that they would only know if they had access to my computer. For the longest time I gave it the benifit of the doubt and assumed I was being paranoid and kept brushing off coincidence after coincidence after coincidence. My worst fears were recently confirmed when i did some snooping and found the material I feared was in their posession on one of their devices. The worst part of all this is that rather than keeping it quiet or at least talking to me about it first, not a single person has said a single thing to me about it directly. Instead, it has been going from person to person, spreading like wildfire. Meaning that for the last few months I've been in the awkward position of people knowing something about me (that is probably exaggerated because of how gossip is) and me being completely oblivious to the fact. Looking back at some social encounters I now completely see that people knew, because of how they acted around me. there is not a doubt in my mind. And I have been going around certain people to see how they act around me after learning this, and I now know for sure that people have been talking about me behind my back as all people do is giggle when I walk in a room and immediately begin to texting eachother when I am around them. The worst part about this is how much it hurts to realize that I have no real friends. Because there are probably over 50 people who know this (and have probably seen the evidence)-- this is a very small town. And not a single person found it necessary to say anything to my face or notify me that I have become the laughing stock of the town. I feel completely humiliated and I do not know what do do. I feel so betrayed by my friends, who have basically been having laughs about this at my expense for months now. Whenever I think about all the people that know this about me-- past acquantances, all my friends, all my exes- I literally just feel nauseous and like I am about to die. When I first learned this I hate to say that I literally felt suicidal as if that was my only way out, to spare myself and my family the humiliaton and it disgusts me that I even really considered that option at first. Thankfully, I have realized that I could never do that as that would hurt my family even more and I could never do that to them. But still my depression remains and I feel the worst I have ever felt in my life. I still feel as if I have no future or nowhere to go from here though. I have a lot of relatives, and family friends, not to mention 3 of my siblings that attend my university, and I am pretty sure that none of them know this. But i feel like its only a matter of time before they find out, or it gets back to someone who knows my family and eventually my parents. I am really stuck here. Like I said there is not a chance in hell my family is going to be receptive to this. I have a very close relatonship with my parents, but I feel like this would change everything. They value religion and tradition very highly and this sort of thing is just unnaceptable. It would literally break their hearts and I can already see the disappointment and how ashamed they will be of me and even of themselves. Knowing them, they will probably never be able to face any of their friends or relatives who know this ever again-- and I really want to spare them that shame. Even on the off-chance that my parents are okay with this news and take it okay, which I highly doubt, they will still be put in a terrible position, because the rest of their friends from the church and their relatives (all my uncles, aunts, grandparents) will never be okay with it, and my family will become something that is pittied and ridiculed. This is the hardest part of it, the ramifcations that it will have on how people treat my siblings and my parents. I had never in my life planned on sharing these feelings with my family, and am not even sure I would even classify myself as gay to be honest. It feels very foreign and new to me still, and I know for certain that I am definitely still attracted to girls, even with these new feelings I've been wanting to explore. Now I absolutely have no idea what to do and really need some advice. I have not been able to eat, sleep, focus on my studies, go to work or anything for the longest time. I just sit at home depressed as shit and and cry myself to sleep. I just hate that people are out there talking about me and gossping about this like its a big joke. And even worse I hate that there are humiliating nude pictures of me probably making rounds. I am sure that what happened to me was probably illegal, but I don't even care about that. Bringing about a lawsuit would just bring more attention to something I just wish would get burried. I don't know what to tell my parents about this. But I fear it will eventually get to them, and even if I do tell them I don't think it will be kept a secret anyway. Like I said these rumors about me have been spreading like wildfire and its only a matter of time before friends of the family or other relatives we have in our town get a hold of this and start calling eachother until pretty much all the relatives on both sides of my family know-- regardless of weather or not I ever tell my parents. I have already come to the conclusion that I have lost my social life and whatever so-called friends I have. I cannot face anyone anymore-- I am too hurt, angry and humiliated. I do not want to lose my family too nor do I want them to resent me. There is litereally nobdoy I can talk to, as I said because I have realized that I have no friends. Not a single person had the decency to approach me about these rumors and let me know whats being said about me, so why should I ever confide in them my secret. To them, my life is a game and it really devastates me. I know the saying that kids can be so cruel, but for university sophemores to still have no regard for completely destroying someones life really upsets me. Please any advice on how I should deal with this situation would be greatly appreciated. I just really need to talk about this, and have nobody I can talk to.
Does your university have counseling services? I think you need to talk to a professional about this because this is obviously serious, no need to say it. At least you know they are not real friends but I would talk to as many people about it and communicate your emotional predicament (namely those twat eaters who have been spreading slander about you). If these people have a scrap of humanity and decency in them, they will understand to put it in the past and let it be and understand you're going through a sexually confusing time and need support and people to talk to and not this immature bull shit.
I am so sorry you're going through this. I don't really have much advice for you, but I wish you strength and courage. Is there perhaps a therapist or counsellor you could talk to?
contact the police! this person/persons has violated you and your privacy, this is not acceptable, this is NOT ok! they should be punished for what they have done! this would be my number one priority, explain the police everything, and call an atterny to see what your rights are. (Are you from norway, I read your nickname? in that case you have several more options) 2. get yourself into therapy, i'm sure your feeling traumatized and I would seriously consider getting in contact with someone who can support you and give you (professional) advice! sending my love, to you!
Hi there (*hug*), I am terribly sorry that this is happening to you and I can only imagine how bad you must be feeling right now. I think seeking for support at university might be a start. Try to get an appointment with a counselor and let them know what's happening. You certainly can use support right now. Maybe you can try to contact an LGBT association in your area (there is maybe a PFLAG chapter not too far). They might be able to give you advice on how to deal sith "coming out" (for lack of better words) to your family. Personnaly I tend to think that being honest is the best way to sort tricky situations out. I suppose you have some people you (used to) consider as close friends. If you think their behavior towards you has changed, maybe the best way to deal with this is to tell them that you think their behavior has changed and to ask them why. With a bit of luck, you'll be able to ave an open conversation with them where you'll be able to tell them that, yes you were wondering about your sexuality lately, but that you would have much prefered this to stay private. If you know precisly who hacked your computer, I think that would be good to strongly let them know this is not acceptable, and possibly report this to the police. As for your family, once again, I think that the best way to prevent rumour to spread is to tell them the truth. I think that so far, parents and siblings are going to be far enought (maybe starting with your siblings). You don't have to tell them you're gay, but that you were wondering about your sexuality and that some people who hacked your computer are now using what they found to spread rumours about you and that you prefered them to learn the truth from your mouth rather than finding out another way. I know this doesn't sound nice, but I don't think you have much choice now. Many many (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) and keep in mind that you will always find support on EC. Take care, Cécile
I am so sorry you are being treated in such a degrading way by people who should know better. They haven't left you with any good options. Your parents are not likely to be supportive of your exploration, but it would still be better to tell them directly than to let them hear other people's assumptions and gossip which will be blown way out of proportion. Your uni counsellor should be able to connect you with a local support group. You can always talk here, but in your environment it will be even more important to have in-person support. Praying for your well-being <3
*** I am the OP. I seem to have forgotten my password and was unable to loggin to my original account Thank you for all the supportive comments. I was googling to find a forum like this one just to say what was on my mind and ask my advice, and Im glad it led me to this site. You have all been very helpful. I guess this is just a bad situation that I am in, and I will have to deal with it. I do not want to take legal matters, that will only make a bigger deal of it. Besides I am not one for an eye for an eye. I believe that what goes around comes around, and I don't think its my job to try and get payback. Its probably just best to let this go. Besides I would not want to go and try and ruin someones life as they have ruined mine. Anyway like I said it is a very unfortunate situation, especially because these rumors that are being spread are not even true. But a rumor is a rumor and people always believe them, so there is no point in trying to dispel them at this point. Like I said this has been a sexually confusing time for me-- It started around the time I got back from a life-changing trip and kind of sunk into a depression afterwards, and that is when I began having these thoughts. I honestly would not classify myself as gay at this point, and I have never had a gay experience as of yet. The few sexual experiences I had in my life were all with females so far. I guess I was just looking to experiment and try and see if those bi-sexual feelings were real or just a phase. College is the time for experimentation anyway. But like I said coming out was never an option for me. Even if I ever ended up ever coming to the conclusion that I was gay, I don't think I would have ever came out or anything, because it is unnacceptable to my family. I probably would have just found a reason to stay single for the rest of my life, rather than pursue a relationship. But this whole ordeal has pretty much turned me off of these feelings and I pretty much have no sexual desire anymore, among a desire for anything else I enjoy in life-- it has pretty much just made me numb and miserable. I feel like I am being punished for looking to explore those thoughts in some weird way. And I do not mean that in offense to anybody here. I just wish that my friends would have approached me and talked to me about this, becasue some of them I REALLY trusted. And if they had come to me in a an approachable manner, I probably would have opened up to them about it. Or if they felt uncomfortable doing so, I would have at least hoped they would keep it to themselves. It really hurt me that instead they chose to joke about it behind my back for months now and spread these rumors to everybody they know. If the roles were reversed, I definitely would have tried to respect my friends' privacy or approached them in a way to help them out. So that is what hurts me to find out that while I considered myself to be a loyal and trust-worthy friend, the feeling and respect was never mutual. Everyone who hears this rumors probably now assumes that I am gay and there is nothing I can do about it. I have really come to the conclusion that I do not care what anyone thinks about me anymore. All I care about is my family, and I just wish there was a way to stop this from getting to them, but I guess there is no easy way out. This has definitely been a learning experience for me, I guess. I learned above else how much my family means to me, and how they are truly the only people you can trust. It is funny because I have had a lot of good memories with many of my friends and I thought we had a real relationship, but its funny how when people think something about you, it changes their entire perception of you. Like I said a lot of people have been deleting me off of social networking tools like Blackberry messenger, and have stopped calling me and talking to me altogether. And this is without even approaching me to talk about any of this first. its funny how quickly people will turn their backs on you and betray you. I won't lie and say I'm not hurt, because I really really am. But it is just something I will have to get over. Anyway thank you all for listening, and giving me your opinions on the matter. It really means a lot to me. But I guess this is the type of problem I will have to deal with myself. Thanks again. Peace
I am in no position to provide you enlightening advice but I am also stuck in a situation where I am "forced to come out". Hey at least you don't have to live with your family once you come out. I've been in the same situation as you have. I've embraced everyone chance with girls, but I knew deep down that it wasn't real. Or I didn't feel it was real. Society is society and until the Glee Cast, Gaga, or Neil Patrick Harris makes a standing ovation people are going to remain rude. My best advice, if it is an advice at all, is to immerse yourself into another society, one that is more appreciative of your being. Once you do come out, you've got nothing to lose right? I suggest joining a LGBT organization at your school. I, myself, have yet to join one but since I am writing this, I am now compelled to talk to the sponsor of the gay-straight alliance club at my high school tomorrow. No more wavering on the truth. We're in this together. Fighting!!!
Well, bottling things up isn't a good thing. It really helps to be able to talk about things, at least, to supportive people. Joining an LGBT group isn't a bad idea, even if you aren't gay, but at least you can make a support network. This forum is a good place to communicate but that can be expanded to face to face. If word does get around to the family, being honest is, of course, best, including communicating your own hurt. The fact you are hurting should be more important than any sexual confusion. Your family concern is admirable, but support should go all ways, not for one person, namely you, to become a martyr. And if something being spread is BS, there's no harm in confronting it with the truth. The comment on counseling is just an idea because most colleges provide that and it's confidential.
I really think you should approach one of your so-called friends, maybe one who hasn't dropped you on social networks and one who seemed to you to be more open/progressive than the typical small-town, Texas, church-going one (sorry for the stereotype). Because you are presenting ALL your friends in the same light, but you really don't know the facts. I find it VERY hard to believe they are all the same--that'd be like a cult. There has to be one that will listen to you as you open up and will share what they know. And I'd agree with others that if you present it to your parents (or siblings) the way you have to us, it'd be LOTS better than them hearing some rumors through the backbiting grapevine that seems endemic in your town.
I don't have any advice other than I think you should try to get in touch with a PFLAG chapter and a counselor if your school has one. I know you are going through a very stressful time and it's totally unfair. And I know it's hard to believe right now, but IT WILL GET BETTER. Please keep us posted. I've just joined this site but the folks on this site are awesome and will give you all the support they can and will be willing to listen at anytime.
Thanks again for all the comments and advice. In response to above, the only reason I mentioned the small town aspect was to stress the situation I'm in, and how fast rumors can spread here and how people would deal with gossip like that due to the closed-mindedness of the community. But I have really come to terms with this for the most part. Like I said, people are going to think what they want to think, and there is not much I can do about that now to try and change peoples opinions or perceptions of me. I still very much feel betrayed by people I considered friends, as I am still apalled how anybody could ever do such an inhumane thing to someone and not feel bad about it. But that is life, you live and you learn. I am going to carry on with my life, because there is no point in sulking around and being upset about this. If anybody ever decides to have the balls to confront me about these rumors, I will definitely be more than happy to honestly address it and explain myself. And this isn't something I would be ashamed of or try and keep from any future people I date. There's no reason not to be open about it. I have always been very confident in my sexuality and just becasue everybody in town is spreading a rumor about me, I am not going to let that affect my life more than it already has. I guess all I can hope for is that people wake up and realize how cruel they're being and let this fade away before this rumor gets to my relatives or family. Even if I explained myself to them, this would be something that will still hurt and embarrass my family, becasue weather a rumor is true or not, its always in the back of someone's mind forever. It's human nature. Me being depressed about this is definitely not healthy, and this is why I'm realizing I have to stop caring and live my life. This semester my grades have dropped severely, because of how little I've been attending class and studying due to my stress and this past week has been hell as I am struggling to barely pass the semester. I have also gone back to smoking, and got to the point where I go through a pack or more a day because of my level of stress. This is something that really scares me because for me especially, smoking is very harmful. I have a pre-existing heart condition and used to have many problems in high school because of it with palpatations and passing out and faint spells etc. Smoking is definitely something that excerbates that and could be potentially extremely dangerous if not eventually fatal for me to continue doing at the rate I am going. For me to keep doing something to myself that could very likely kill me is reckless, and yet I find myself having to leave the house and go for a drive just so I can smoke at all hours of the day and night (because my parents would kill me if they knew I was smoking, becasue of my health issues) and I can't keep sneaking off like that behind their backs. So i really need to cut back, and find a different way to deal with my stress, like the gym. Anyway, I really want to to thank everyone here for your support and just for listening. Part of the reason I had this epiphany to stop caring what people say and carry on with my life is because I was able to finally share what I was feeling here and get it off my chest. (since as I said there was nobody else I felt I was able to). This has been a burden on me realizing I was betrayed by my friends for over 5 months now, and while I kept giving them the benefit of the doubt and chalked it up to being paranoid, when I found out for sure a few weeks ago,that my privacy was violated by them I really took it hard. Sexuality is a private matter. And I don't just mean that in regards to someones sexual orientation etc, but just sex in general. It is private for a reason, because nobody wants their shit or feelings out there. Nobody wants people to know their sexual encounters or partners or anything. Sex is between yourself and who you decide share it with. To have that taken away from me was a low blow, and to take it a step further and to let the rumor spread (as if its just a casual harmless rumor) really takes a special kind of evil person to do. The hardest part of this is that I still see these people regularly, and it is getting incredibly hard for me to constantly see them and act like everything is okay, and that I am not hurt by them. Like I said they haven't had the decency to apparoach me with this and will probably never have the balls to do so, and it is not my job to confront them. Even if I did, they would deny it so whats the point. Anyway, I am leaving soon for graduate school so hopefully that helps me in getting over this eventually. But it still really stings that my reputation, which was something I have always cared about, has been permanently tarnished. While I can move on, the betrayal aspect is something I'm afraid will never leave me. This was pretty trauamatizing for me and I definitely feel like I will carry these trust issues with me for the rest of my life. You can always forgive, but you can never forget. Thanks again for listening. Best of luck to all of you.
I am concerned with aspects of your response. Not because I or any of us have an agenda to make people come out as gay, bi, whatever. You may very well be straight. It would certanly be the most convenient thing, and you are obviously regretting your attempt at self-discovery. My concern is not with your sexuality, but with the tone of your post. It sounds very much like you are giving up on your life, suppressing and avoiding the issues that are distressing you. I suppose there is a fine line between denial and moving on. It kind of sounds like a goodbye. Are you considering suicide? Please see a counsellor at the university. If only for a chance to decompress a little. You deserve to live your life fully. I wish you well.
