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Should I come out or does he have enough on his back right now?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BraverWade, Apr 25, 2011.

  1. BraverWade

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    Hi, I just came by this site and it looks great. I really need some opinions about a little situation. It's kind of stupid, definitely not a matter of life and death, but it's kind of important for me right now.

    My best friend is moving away to another country, and he might come back in a few months, but he might not come back for a few years. He's leaving in three days, and he's a bit nervous and scared... I want to tell him I'm gay in person because it just feels better that way, I feel he deserves it, and this might be my last chance in a long time, but now that I know how he's feeling I'm thinking it might be selfish to drop this bomb on him in his current situation.

    So... do you think I should wait and tell him via MSN or Skype or something? I'd rather not wait (although, of course, I'm scared and part of me wants to procrastinate), but I don't want him to have a horrible flight and first day over there, leaving his family and maybe kind of mourning (cause you know how these things CAN get to feel sometimes)... What do you think?
     
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    First, to clear away some underbrush, have you been crushing on him in any way? If not, then I'd say you're probably on somewhat safe ground. I'd go ahead and tell him, perhaps framing it in this type of way. "I'm going to miss having you around. I've been wanting to tell you something for awhile - I'm gay. And I was looking forward to having you support me as I start telling other people." This would make your thoughts and feelings towards him clear - you're going to miss his friendship, and you're not hoping something will develop between you two.

    If you are having feelings for him, then I'd be a lot more hesitant, especially about revealing those feelings. Because either those feelings wouldn't be returned, and the parting would be awkward, or if the feelings ARE returned...well, he's just about to leave for a long while, so it's not like you can really do anything about them. So I'd definitely hold back on that. You might still want to come out to him using the above scenario, but beware of looking too hard for hints that he's feeling the same way. If he doesn't come out back to you, assume he's straight. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. nooceansleft

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    Lex is completely correct. I don't want to seem cruel, but the chances of an emotional airport declaration of undying love are slim to none. Just be sensible, yeah? It's for your own mental safety as much as anything else.
     
  4. csm123

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    Hi and welcome to EC

    Lex has it spot on(as usual).All i can add is that when coming out to him or anyone else,just be confident in telling but dont make a big thing of it.If you dont make it into a big deal,chances are,neither will the person your telling.
     
  5. BraverWade

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    Thanks a lot for your replies.

    I don't have and never have had any sort of feelings for him other than those in a normal friendship. He's like a brother to me. And I'm completely sure he's straight, more than pretty much any other person I know, haha. So the emotional airport declaration of underlying love was never in the question :icon_bigg .

    It was just a matter of telling him something I think in a way he deserves to know, just because he's my friend and you tell friends important things, and I felt doing it in person was better.

    However, talking to another good friend I came out to last year, we came to the conclusion that it's probably a little too late. Things might go smoothly if I tell him, and I hope they would... but he's not the most gay-friendly guy in the world, and I'm apparently very "straight-acting" (go figure... I've never had a girlfriend at 25, you'd think people would suspect...), and apparently people tend to be shocked, and well... Maybe I'm just being a coward, but the idea of telling him now does seem a bit forced. I don't even think he has the time for a proper coming out conversation. He's gonna be with his grandma today and he's gonna be like crazy tomorrow. So, unless the perfect occasion arises or he seems really calm and cool when I see him tomorrow, I think I'm going to leave it for when I see him again... I hope I do, and I hope it's soon enough.

    Still, you made me feel more at ease with the idea of telling him, so I'll keep that option in mind and see if it's sensible.

    Thanks again.

    And yeah, csm123, I hear you. That's good advice. I've come out to three friends. With two of them, I made a big deal, and the conversation lasted hours, and it was cool but too "big". The third time it was a matter of "Are you gay?" "Yeah." "Oh." That felt better. :icon_bigg