Right, well to start off with I guess that I'm completely questioning what I identify as at the moment. I know I fancy girls so I guess I'm gay but that's not all of it. Let's start at the begining. I have had pretty serious depression for a while now, and I've always felt as if I'm "wrong" in a way. I mean, basically, that I'm just questioning my gender at the moment. I guess I've always felt "wrong" in a way, incomplete in a way, I mean I've always felt more male then female. I have memories of me going to parties and things as a kid and wearing girl clothes but feeling out of place and wrong and as though I shouldn't be wearing girl clothes. I useually wear more masculine clothes now and when I don't I kinda feel like a man in drag. I really don't know. I've always played "boy" sports such as roller hockey and baseball and rugby and karate and things and now I'm at uni doing what would be considered a "man's job" (Production Lighting), the rest of the people on my course are guys, and I guess I just feel that that is how I should be. I guess I've always felt like I was "wrong" in a way. I am going to try to talk to my psych about this. I really don't know and I'm sorry if this makes no sense. Advice would be appreciated.
Hey, I don't know what precise things you wanted advice on, but the first thing I can guarantee is that there is nothing "wrong" with you. There is nothing wrong with questioning gender. In your post, it sounds like you don't exactly know what advice you want, as if things are a bit chaotic right now, and you're feeling some gender dysphoria (discomfort with the way you're socially projecting your gender; that is, the way society has coerced you to act after being assigned a gender from an early age/before birth). It's probably healthy to explore this (talking to a psychologist in your area sounds like a good plan) and that the discomfort that makes you question your gender is not necessarily a bad thing, but could be a signal to re-evaluate. (Every crisis is an opportunity to make things better) Don't get too bogged down in what boy/man/masculine things you do, because those are just arbitrary cultural labels anyways; your use of quotations suggest that you're strongly aware of that already. (For instance, earlier in history, pink was the colour for boys because it was so close to the 'strong' red, while blue was a 'weak' colour and for girls... now, pink is for 'weak, gay boys'? what bizarre sexism). Just feel good doing what you want to do, whether it's gendered or not. "I fancy girls so I guess I'm gay" -- Not completely. In the end, gender and sexuality are always going to be personal identities you create for yourself. You don't need to immediately label yourself (or ever, really). Someone I know identifies as 'genderqueer', prefers the feminine pronoun (she/her), and changed her name to one more commonly given to men but with a altered feminized spelling. Lesbian or gay don't make sense for her and she doesn't need that identity and that works for her. She's married to a bisexual woman and they're very happy. Other people can find peace in identifying as transgender and finding a community there; others as transsexual and seeking physical changes. It's all up to you and can take time (as much as you want or need) to figure out. Sorry if my post wasn't at all helpful or what you were looking for.
That was very helpful. Thankyou very much. You totally got what I was trying to say and that's brilliant :] I shall deffinately talk it over with my psych so yeah, cheers!
Reminds me about when I was young, except reversed. I always hated boy clothes. They're so bland and boring and they generally lack color. I've always enjoyed color, so when most of the guys were wearing jeans, black and white shirts or whatever, I wore reds, blues, and greens. I stood out quite a bit. I remember telling my mom that I hated my clothes. I feel like a tomboy when I wear guy clothes, they're not really me. I'm currently enrolled in a female dominated program at my university: graphic design. My classes only have women in them. Again, strangely reversed to you. Weird. Sports, I've never been a fan of. Not that there's anything wrong with girls who play sports, I just personally wasn't interested. I would much rather be drawing and stuff when I was younger. My mom forced me into football in 7th Grade, but I just hated it. I didn't enough have the aggression for it. The only sport I was interested in playing was volleyball, but it was a girls only sport. I still feel like I'm in the wrong body, but I haven't started hormone replacement therapy yet. I'm not saying you're like me, but our stories share similarities.
I was going to weight in on this conversation, but it seems it's all been covered. I wish you the best of luck with your jounrey (as cliche as that is) to uncover what identity(ies) fit for you. In my practice with LGBTQ+ clients we explore labels and their impact on our own enternal working model of self in so doing a lot of healing and discovery happens. If you have any questions or want to chat about what you're thinking or feeling feel free to PM. I'm the social work consultant for EC. Cheers,
Cheers. I shall indeed do that. I guess I shoould probably talk to my psych so I shall do that asap. :]
Random update, I have kinda decided to identify as genderfucked at the moment and then I can think more about it and change it if I want. It is suiting me quite well at the moment though. I also bought a binder. I don't wear it everyday but when I do it's amazing how different and comfortable I feel. I mean like holding my shoulders back and everything whereas I used to be all hunched over. This is a good thing and does make me feel kinda more "right" or so to say. I have just got another one as well so I will probably start wearing one more often when I get it. Still haven't got around to talking to the psych about it but only because London CMHT are crap and I still haven't had an appointment with someone.
