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Gay and hate it?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jacket, Apr 27, 2011.

  1. Jacket

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    Hey

    I posted a bit over a month ago basically saying how I thought I could be gay and asking for advice about it.

    I'm now pretty sure I am gay, but I just feel absolutely terrible about it sometimes. One minute I'm fine, the next I hate myself.
    I feel like I've let people down especially my family, it gets worse when my mum mentions grandkids. I just don't know what to say.

    I haven't got anyone I can talk to about all this, nor do I really kbow how to tell them. I just feel trapped in my own little box.

    I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I do. I hate it and I just don't know what to do about it. I just wish I could accept myself for who I am but just don't seem able to do it.
    I'm really sorry to vent all this on here but I just don't know what else to do.

    Thanks to anyone who reads all this.
     
  2. xphile10

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    Hi there!

    I really get your message. I'm still trying to figure everything out with myself and my family, and it's rocky right now.

    But I guess I would say that you have no reason to hate yourself. You are who you are, and a loving family would be able to accept you regardless. What do you think will happen if you tell your family?

    But if this is all pretty new to you, don't let those feelings of self-hate get you down. They're normal, and we have to process those feelings; just remember you have nothing to hate about yourself.
     
  3. You for sure didn't let anyone down. You didn't choose to be gay and indeed, you've been the way you are your whole life, when you realized it is the only thing that has changed.

    The other thing is, you can have kids. Get a surrogate or adopt children. You can have everything you want to have, that's the way it works. Love, family, career, whatever. Being gay is not going to change that, really. Nor are you any different than you were before you realized you were gay, so there's no more reason to hate yourself now than there was before. Just sayin.

    I get that this is tough, but it might just take some time and some talking it out to really accept yourself and I honestly think that you will find your way towards that. Especially if you hang around here and talk to some people or even find some understanding people in your life to talk to.

    (*hug*)
     
  4. ilovedogs9

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    Hi there. There's no need to feel terrible or ashamed about being gay. Is this feeling caused by something? Such as, are you religious, or are you afraid that your family will not or does not accept you? Or do you not know why you feel this way? People are born gay, so if you're certain that you are, there's nothing that can really change that. And if you hate that you're gay, then you hate yourself, and that's no way to live.

    How supportive is your mother? Is she open to things like this, or does she seem homophobic? Even if she were, if she loves you (and I'm sure she does, seeing as you are her son) then she will learn to accept you. When she brings up grandchildren, just change the subject. Maybe when you feel more comfortable with yourself and have the courage to tell your mother, you can. Or if there's someone else in your family who you think will accept it more then start with them first.

    Don't feel bad about venting on here, we're here to help. And you're not the only one, okay? Lots of people have felt bad or confused when they found out they were gay, and eventually they come to understand that there's nothing to be ashamed of. I myself just realized that I was a lesbian recently, and I have problems with my family making comments about things like grandkids and boyfriends and all that as well. I have wondered a few times if I want to be this way and have felt bad, but I told myself that it didn't matter who I liked or how I acted, because I am who I am and I am proud of it. Besides, there are plenty of weirder people out there.
     
  5. DareToEatAPeach

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    I get where you're coming from. When I came out to my mom, one of the first things she said to me was, "But I want grandchildren...." At first I was devastated by this comment and it ate away at me, but now I realize that it makes no difference. Just like dreamwatch said, you can adopt or have a surrogate help you.

    And if you keep feeling angry or depressed, go see a counselor and they'll be sure to listen to you and help you through these times.
     
  6. Jacket

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    To answer a few things.
    I'm not sure how my parents would react, I think my mum might accept it eventually but I really am not 100% sure.

    I guess I feel this way mostly because I'm not sure my family and friends will react and if they will accept me.
     
  7. Daryn

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    A lot of people start out feeling like this when they realize that they're gay, so you aren't alone. For now, I would focus on inner acceptance first. If you can be happy about who you are, then reactions won't mean nearly as much. Lots of gay people have kids, there are several options. There isn't anything you can't have just because you aren't straight.
     
  8. IanGallagher

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    It's hard to handle at first. It's still hard for me to handle at times. But, I think if you ease yourself into it and find a sense of 'community' and come out things can and will get better. I've felt terrible these past couple days and yeah things aren't that great still, but I know I'm able to get by now (pun not intended). Don't take large steps, just ease into it. It seems to be something that gets better with time.
     
  9. Lexington

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    First off, as others have said, it's totally natural to feel like you being gay is going to "screw everything up". But see, it won't. Anything you see in your future - great job, great friends, wife, kids, white-picket fence around the house in the suburbs? All still available. The only difference is your wife is going to have a penis. :slight_smile:

    My main suggestion is this. Don't worry about telling anybody else yet. You have to come out to the most important person first - you. And it sounds like you're on the path. You've decided you're gay. That's step one. The next step? Be gay. Seriously. That's it. Look in the mirror each morning and say "I'm gay". Eventually, it'll feel less like you're admitting some failing or some crime, and more like you're giving a datum (like "I'm six feet tall"). Feel free to think "gay thoughts". (Surreptitiously) check out guys if you'd like. When you masturbate, if you look at gay porn, or just fantasize about guys, don't hold back. Get into it. Go whole hog. Fantasize like crazy about doing whatever you want to that guy (or him doing whatever you want to you). And when you're done, don't immediately crumble like a house of cards, and feel embarrassed about it all. Sit/lay there with your sticky hands, enjoy the afterglow, and think about how much fun that was. Because solo sex is still sex, and sex is supposed to kick ass. :slight_smile:

    Just know that many of us view being gay not as a curse, but as a blessing. I can certainly say that being gay kicks ass from this vantage point. And we'll get you here yet. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  10. Jim1454

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    As others have said, you absolutely have to get comfortable with this yourself before you can feel good about telling others. How you approach this plays a big part in how quickly you can get to that point.

    You're gay, and there's nothing you can do to change it. As the serenity prayer goes - we need to accept the things we can not change. Work on acceptance of yourself.

    Then, having accepted the fact that you're gay (i.e. feeling at least indifferent to it) you can contemplate coming out to others. And the same thing will apply to them - whether they recognize it or not. No matter how they react, you'll still be gay. It's really up to them as to how they cope with it. But remember - YOU are not responsible for anyone elses happiness. THEY are. And if they CHOOSE to be unhappy about something that they have absolutely no control over (and that has very little direct impact on their own lives anyway), that's their problem.

    You aren't born into this world for the purpose of producing grandchildren. Your mother can get a cat or a lap dog if she feels the need to spoil something small and cute.

    You've certainly come to the right place though to come to terms with your orientation. This site worked wonders for me, and it will do the same for you. Welcome!
     
  11. zeratul

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    Life is filled with dealing with uncertainties related to other people's responses to your revealing any information that us young, closeted, gay guys haven't dealt with as much as our heterosexual peers have.

    Often we avoid dealing with this topic and most of short life is filled with just the other aspects that you can predict the response before you make a choice.

    But it is now time to experience this other wonderful side of human society, this uncertainty is risky, but it is beautiful in a way if all goes well.

    We can pull out all our analytical skills and try to gauge how your family will respond, or we can simply trust and demand that those who owe us unconditional love to keep true to their responsibilities.
     
  12. Jacket

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    Thanks for the help and advice. I guess I just feel isolated while trying to deal with this and wasn't sure what to do.
    I'll just have to take time and work on it I think.

    Thanks for the support!
     
  13. Skiel

    Skiel Guest

    WOW!! When I read this, I heard my own voice through your words. I feel the same way as you do. Because my parents say the same thing asking me if I have a gf yet and they talk about my future unborn children 0.o and i'm the same age as you! lol I can't offer any real advice or good advice because i'm in the same situation as you are in. But you can always see a therapist about it. That's what I did last year but I stopped in the middle of my sessions altogether because I get scared whenever I open that closet. It gets all too real and frightening. But maybe going to a therapist will help you out. It wouldn't hurt to try. It may help to talk about it openly face to face with someone. You cna't find any simple answers that will make everything 100% better on an online forum. I can tell you what my therpaist told me tho
    Coming out is like a journey. It's a ride that may take years. You take the steps only when you are ready because no one is pushing you to come out. It will take time so be patient.
    Best of luck to you!
     
  14. rangerfan

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    I felt exact the same what when I first started to realize that I started to like guys. I felt alone and afraid, and I didn't want to be like this. But then i came to realize this is who I am and I have to accept who I am. I soon found friends that accepted me and my life took a complete 360 turn. I haven't still told my parents but I am very close. You have to accept who you are, coming out is very hard and very stressful but once you do it it will take all the stress away and become easier to live your life to the fullest. Just be yourself and everything will be alright.
     
  15. thylvin

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    what you feel is perfectly natural especialy with the steriotyping and homophobic that is going on in the world. The truth is there are some people who is very close, like your mom or dad, brother or siter and even a friend or two that suspects something but they will never ask you (at least in most cases) they will wait for you to come out and speak about it.

    Remember those that think this also think like this: What if i tell him i think he is gay, what will he do, and what if he isn't. Because of this most people will wait for you to make the first move to come out.

    I will suggest to you to go to some place, not your home or friends place or where lots of people and distractions are and realy think what it is you want in an ideal partner. your answers here will help make the feeling to go away or if not to lessen it.

    I thought the same as you and felt just a guitly everytime my mom looked at me when she said she wished she had grand children. I felt so bad about this that i started to lie to them about having a gf and make up some excuse why this gf couldn't come and meet them. This realy started to get out of hand as lies sometimes does.

    I never came out to my folks, i was to afraid to take this steps, they were ultra old view people, though my folks were friends with lesbian and gay couples. When my bf told them infront of me that i am gay, my mom came and hugged me and told me she always knew. Since then that bad feelings slowly started to ebb away and now i don't have it at all (maybe because my sister had a baby of her own, thus producing my mothers most expected grand child)
     
  16. Marlowe

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    A bit about myself. I am still in the closet to everyone, but I guess for both of us, by the very fact that we are on this forum, we are on our way to coming to terms with being gay, definitely a step in the right direction. My road has been very long. I sort of knew I was interested in guys by the time I was 14, and now I am 22, so for me it has been an 8-year and counting process and only recently have I begun to feel psychologically ready to come out to someone.

    I really liked the advice that Zeratul gave both for its poetic beauty and because I think it highlights what makes this such a difficult process. It is the uncertainty. Weighing what present happiness we have against an uncertain future is not an easy task, and I think everyone is afraid to take the leap of faith into something unknown.

    But have heart, my friend! Your path will not always be this uncertain. I think what I have slowly understood in my time in the closet is that the road is not as uncertain as it once seemed. I fell in love with my best friend, which has created a whole different mess emotionally, but falling in love allowed me to see much more clearly the possibility of being happy with another guy and how I would be happy. I realized that I would be totally proud to take him home to my parents and hold hands with him in public -- something that I could never have imagined before.

    Realize that it is a process. Try not to look to far ahead along the path. Instead, try to take it day by. Find ways to cope when you start feeling down on yourself. I never find this easy to do because I can't just tell myself to be happy and make the feelings go away. It just doesn't work that way. I find doing something with my hands refocuses my mind: (If you were thinking about making a masturbation joke, I actually try to avoid that because If I am already feeling bad about being gay, then inevitably I am going to feel guilty when I am done. As Lexington suggested channel your sexual energy positively.) Tasks like washing dishes or home improvement projects or playing piano "reset" my mind. Try to take care of other stresses in your life. They will only compound on this one. For a while, I was having bouts of insomnia, and I found that once I addressed my sleep troubles, I tended to have less negative emotions overall.

    A final note: I realize I have talked a lot about myself in this post, and I hope this does not come across as narcissistic. I just don't want to generalize about your experience. I hope merely that my own can provide some guidance to you.
     
  17. feelindown

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    you are not alone. i feel the same way at times and i'm in my 30s. i'm in the same boat as you actually. sometimes i feel ok about it and then i'll see a family my age or my friends will get married, or i'll be around guys and they start talking about girls or my aunts and uncles will ask me "so when are you going to settle down, you haven't found a nice girl yet." all of this makes me feel miserable and really lonely. also add in the fact that i still haven't met a guy that i truly felt connected with and he felt the same way about me. sometimes i just think i'll be the old guy that's alone and noone to be with. it seems all i can get is sex from people (which i do not want and i'm celibate) but nothing more from guys. the best thing i can say is just keep pushing and hopefully it will get better. wish i had more encouraging words but i just feel pretty bad as well.
     
  18. Jacket

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    I have a new worry, lol.

    How can I be sure that I'm in denial and not suffering from HOCD or something? It seems like a fine line between the two.
     
  19. ijustdontknow90

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    I'm pretty much in the same situation as you, or was until not long ago. I also just came to terms with my homosexuality (or possibly bisexuality, still trying to figure it all out).

    Anyway, I used to hate myself too. I used to pray every night before I went to sleep that I would wake up and suddenly all these feelings would disappear. And I used every theory for denial. I even start lifting because I told myself I was jealous muscular men and that was why I had an attraction to them (I don't regret this though, it was part of my journey, plus lifting is now my favorite hobby).

    Eventually, though, I just kind of realized it was going to go away. The best way thing I can compare to, honestly, is my height. When we were born, our heights were pre-set in our genes. We didn't know how tall we were going to be, but it was already set. I'm not happy about my height; I'm only 5'7". Do I want to be taller? Yes. Can I in any way make myself/will myself to be taller? No. It's just a part of who I am, like my sexual orientation.

    As a lot of these people will tell you, it gets better on the other side. I'm not even close to being on the other side yet, but it even feels better as I move towards it. Of course, when I first admitted to myself that I was gay, I was very angry, at God, at society, but most of all, at myself. I cried, no sobbed, myself to sleep a few times. But after a few weeks being angry, I honestly started feeling better. When I was in denial, or in its last stages, I became distracted all the time. My mind would wander, thinking, am I gay? How can I stop it? What will my friends say? My parents? But when I started to admit to myself that I was gay, life just got better. I can't really explain it. I just wasn't thinking about being gay all the time. Instead of defining me (or rather the hiding of it defining me), it just became a part of me. Plus, when there's no shame, involved, certain, umm, activities increase in their intensity, which is always a good thing. :slight_smile:

    As for the gay vs. HOCD thing, I went through this when I was still in denial. From everything I read on HOCD, it seems as though someone who suffers from it doesn't actually think men are attractive. He is just afraid that he could find men attractive. If you walk down the street and see some attractive guy, and the first thing that pops into your head is "he's hot," instead of "oh my god, there's a possibility I could find him attractive, but I actually don't" then you are probably gay, rather than suffering from HOCD. Also, as others have said, the proof is in the porn. If you look at gay porn without being disgusted (disgusted and ashamed are different), then you probably don't suffer from HOCD.

    With the kids/grandkids thing, I was in the same boat. When I was with my last girlfriend, who I loved very much (hence the confusion over homosexual/bisexual), I really wanted to get married. I honestly would have married her right out of college if she hadn't broken up with me. I really wanted to be married with kids by the time I was 25. You know what? I still want that. Maybe not by 25, but by 30 I would like to be settled down with a solid plan for having kids, whether it's by adoption or surrogate. I'm naturally a conservative person, but I also happen to have attractions to men. But, I'm not going to let these two things conflict. The gay community is really diverse. If you want to be covered in glitter and wearing fairy wings at a club every Saturday night until you're 45, that's fine. (Sorry for the extra crude stereotype.) If makes you happy go with it. If, like me, you don't really enjoy the whole party/drunk scene so much, whether it's gay or straight, that's fine too. Just because you are gay, nobody, neither the straight nor gay communities, is forcing anything onto you. Just go with what makes you happy.

    Honestly, I'm not there yet. There are still some days I freak out and don't want to be gay. There are some nights where I still want to cry myself asleep. I know this is going to take a while, but I also know that hiding this to myself was just too much to bear. Eventually, I think every openly gay person comes to the conclusion that the shame that society puts on us is far less taxing than the pressure of hiding a fundamental part of ourselves.

    Anyway, that's my two cents. If you want to talk over PM, let me know.
     
  20. PsychoticMonkey

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    ^ just wanted to say that this was a real good reply. The whole HOCD vs denial thing is something I've personally been thinking about lately, and you really nailed it with the description.