Dating in the closet

Welcome to EC!

First off, some ground rules. Since this site is "teen-friendly", we don't allow the names of certain websites. As such, I had to do a mini-edit on your post - hope that's OK.

Secondly, I don't know of any websites that are specifically for closeted guys, and specifically for dating. And that's perhaps not surprising. Although dating in the closet does take place, it takes at least one person with the initiative to basically "put out the call". And closeted guys are more apt to be the quiet ones, checking out what OTHER people are offering, and only responding to those that they feel might be "safe". In addition, meeting people via the web is a very hit-and-miss endeavor in any event, and closeted guys might feel they have a lot more to lose than out guys.

So a few things. First off, there's nothing wrong with using a standard dating site. And you'd probably be best served if YOU were the one doing the asking. You'll probably be asked for a photo, and I know that can be nerve-wracking, but you can usually get away with using a medium shot, and by selecting one that looks a bit odd. That can give you a bit of "deniability" if you're worried somebody will recognize you. Then, spell out specifically what you're looking for. "Gay male, age X, Bay Area, not out of the closet yet. But still looking to start dating. Looking for another gay man, closeted preferred, or at the very least extremely discreet. Definitely not interested in hooking up - I definitely want to date and see if something develops."

In addition, at the risk of venturing into waters you might not want to go, is there a specific reason why you "can't really come out" yet? I mean, it's certainly not because you're in a homophobic area. And if something DOES happen, and you DO meet a guy, and you DO hit it off great, presumably you won't want to keep it hidden forever.

I nudge in this direction not because I hold closeted guys in disdain - sometimes there really are good reasons to stay closeted. But know that being out simplifies things something fierce. Instead of desperately looking for a closeted dating site, or worrying that each guy might tip your hand, you can just go date, y'know?

Lex

 

I tend to think that dating in the closet is a bad idea; it certainly was for me. When you date in the closet none of your friends can notice if the guy you're with is a bit off, no one can give you advice when something goes wrong, and you have no one to provide you a shoulder to cry on when it ends. It means keeping something very important to you secret and apart from the rest of your life, which is psychologically taxing.

 

No worries about the blunder - it didn't seem like you were out to advertise or anything.

I can understand coming from a different culture, and wanting to keep your parents in the dark. You say you're worried about word traveling back to them. Do your parents live in the Bay Area, as well? Are there siblings or other relatives in the Bay Area that might send word? Because if not, I don't see any issue with simply dating somebody.

It's a bit easy to think of the closet as an "all or nothing" affair. And that's really not the case. My partner has very conservative parents, for instance. And so he never actually came out to them. But when he moved to a new city, he came out, he dated, he got laid. All of his friends knew he was gay. And they all knew his parents didn't know, so if they came to visit, they made sure not to say anything about his boyfriend. Similarly, when he moved to Colorado to move in with me, at first, I was his "roommate". But then he moved to a new place...with the same "roommate". And then he bought a home...with the same "roommate". At this point, even they couldn't deny it anymore. And as it turns out, they're accepting of me in their own way. I've never heard them say "gay" or "partner" or "boyfriend". I'm just "Lex". But (to pick one example) when my grandmother died, they sent a card to my parents. Their way of saying they get it, and they care.

Back to you. Some gay guys do take issue with living in the closet, but I can't picture any of them actively seeking out your parents to let them know. I'd say the vast majority of gays understand that there are cultural differences, and can understand that you'd be concerned what would happen if/when they find out. But so long as there's some distance involved, I don't anticipate word leaking back to them.

Lex

 

I have to say that I definitely see Liam's side.
I wouldn't tell you to not try dating in the closet, but I would warn you that it can be an awful experience. Approach it wisely, maybe you can tell at least one person who you trust. And maybe agree with a guy you find that you'll each tell one person; that would have helped me.

 

I am going through this situation right now. I am out and have been for several years now. I have worked for an lgbt news publication and it has made me grow by leaps and bounds, making me understand that this is part of who I am and I shouldn't hide myself to anyone, because to me it makes me seem like I am a liar. If I missed a job opportunity or an advancement in life because of it, I get greater satisfaction in being true to myself than getting something for not being who I am.

With that said, a few months ago I met another individual who since then we have fallen in love. Everything was "perfect" except one issue, I am out and he is not. We had originally discussed moving in with each other and had discussed a specific date. He came to me and said, "you know, I should probably come out to my family now because I think it is important if we live together". It made my heart melt because I knew deep down it was the only way we could live together with things being healthy.

Through time, as our date came closer, he was still afraid and couldn't come to terms with it. when I would bring it up he would say i was pressuring him. I am sure that is accurate to a degree because I can be impatient when I want something. Eventually I had the strength to say it probably isn't a good idea to live together until you are out and he was okay with that.

bottom line is I know it is a very difficult thing for him, as he is latin, catholic and considered becoming a priest in when he was much younger. I have really debated in my mind about this issue- mainly because every relationship I have ever been in has had true fundamental flaws- with this person, I don't see those flaws- but the "coming out" issue is a huge deal for him- he is afraid and lives in a place of fear. It is an issue for me, because I feel hidden.

It is a real shame because two people who really love each other should be together, yet in the back of my mind I know the beginning of the end of this relationship has begun because I just simply cannot be with someone who is in the closet. Maybe that is wrong of me, but I am 35 and being "supressed" is something I dealt with a long time ago. I could be more supportive if this person would come to me and discuss the issue, but I feel it is cutting into our love life and intimacy. Bottom line is I could wait a while for marriage or something of that level, but I have very limited time I can give someone who is unwilling to grow. I know how hard it is, i was once there, but if you truly love someone and you truly want to be with them, you have to be on the same page. Yes, I'd like this to be the guy, but I can't get past this issue. Very sad issue, very hard.

as I sit and write this it makes me someone miserable, as we click on every level but this, when we are together it is amazing. I'm ready to grow old with someone, have children, be mature, healthy and have a life- but none of those things can truly happen when one is out and the other isn't, you end up living a lie.

Maybe it works for some, maybe it doesn't for others. I don't have all those answers. For me, it has proven difficult.

 

Welcome to EC, brent! And thank you for telling your story.

Lex