I have looked at this site for a while and finally decided to become a member realizing I could for sure use some advice about everything. I'm nervous/excited for my first post. Here's the deal. I am 19 and I am a freshman in college a state away from my hometown. I'm bi, and I lean a lot more towards guys. For about nine months my parents have known about my sexuality. My mom went through my e-mail account and read some facebook messages between a friend and myself in which I told him I was bi. So she sent me a text to check my email and she had sent me a long email in which she told my dad already and asking a bunch of questions. At that point I have NEVER NEVER NEVER even imagined telling them. I was pissed. They always wanted to talk about it, never in person mind you. Always via email. I answered some questions and ignored others. I was still very much upset that they knew. Things got better and we just really didn't talk about it often for a couple months. We all had a lot to process. My parents had to come to terms with having a bisexual son and I had to realize that my parents now knew fully who I was. It was terrifying. My parents both said they accepted me and loved me. My dad said he always kind of knew and was just waiting for me to tell them. Fast forward to January. At this point I really wanted to lay everything down with my parents. So I called my mom and we talked about everything. She was still hell bent on me being gay so I had to really really explain things. That all went well until I started seeing someone. I talked to my mom about him, just basically that he existed, and told her I wanted to change my relationship status on facebook to in a relationship with him. That spurred a huge fight. My parents believe that only they should know. They do not, under any circumstance, want me to tell any members of my extended family or my little sister. My sister is about to graduate from eighth grade and we are extremely close. They want me to wait until she graduates high school. I try to respect that but lately it is so very hard to not just have her know. Its not like I want to talk boys with her or talk all about my boyfriend, but its just that I want her to know who her brother is. And she would not have any problem with it in the least. She would hug me and want to know more about it and yell at me for not telling her before. It would bring us so much closer. But my parents say that it will make her life so much harder knowing. They say that people will make fun of her and she won't be able to handle it. I pointed out to them that she is extremely able to handle herself and that we, as a family, would always have her back. I also pointed out how it would be up to her which of her friends would know. Yea, its high school and word gets around, but still. And they don't realize that some people that will still be there when my sister is know and I would rather her find out from me than a jackass in high school. As for family, it was absolutely killing me that no one knew. I am the type of person that whenever I start anything I need to finish it. So once I came to terms with my sexuality, after almost nine years of knowing, I was/am bursting with want to tell people. Hell yes, I am still nervous, worried, and apprehensive but I want this to be over. So I went behind my parents back and I told a cousin of mine in late January and two of my aunts and another cousin in February. They were super supportive and offered to talk to my parents. None of them understand why they are being the way they are because we are such a close knit family. They told me no one in our family would care and that basically everyone has suspicions. I won't feel officially out until my family knows. I really need to do this for me. I want to respect my parents and their comfort levels with this, but I am 19, in college, and ready. Do you think I should just do it? I know I kind of started the process with some of my family, but I want to finish what I started. Am I being selfish by just wanting to do this and not really caring that much anymore about what my parents say? Some advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Hi, First, welcome to EC. It's great that you've decided to de-lurk and join and start posting! Now... on to your family. Your parents' responses are pretty common. They're still dealing with their own internalized homophobia and shame. The reason they don't want you to tell anyone, or change your fb status, has little to do with you, and a lot to do with them and their own understanding and acceptance. While I'm sure they are doing their best to come to terms with things, they aren't there yet... and, of course, you've likely had a lot longer to come to terms than they have, so that's kind of understandable. So the first thing I'd suggest is twist their arm a bit and get them to go to a pflag meeting. It will be an amazing resource for them, as they'll be able to talk to people just like themselves, who went through the same things. Secondly, the stuff about not telling your sister is a smokescreen. They aren't concerned about her, they're concerned about themselves. I think it's ridiculous to wait 4 years. And... I don't think you're being selfish. On the contrary, I think they are. What you can do is tell them something like "I've really thought about it, and I've decided that i'm going to start being open. I know you may disagree, but this is my choice, I'm not doing it to hurt anyone or to cause any problems, I've thought it through, and I feel comfortable it's the right thing to do. So you can either support me in this, or not, but it won't change my decision." And at the same time, push PFLAG. They'll be fine once they're over the hump. They're just scared.
I don't think you're being selfish at all, but your parents are. My parents said the same thing when my brother and I came out, and we totally disregarded everything they said and told anyone that would listen. It's really not a big deal. If I was in your position, I would do it. They'll probably be upset for a while but they'll get over it and see that you're right eventually. If they take it too badly have your aunts talk to them. Show them polls that show the increasing support for LGBT rights. Show them the American Psychological Association's statement on homosexuality. I think parents just get really worried about the well-being of their children--to their detriment sometimes, which is the case here I think. Once you show them the facts, if they're rational and sane, they will come around. Oh, and for your sister...tell your parents that people are going to talk whether you're doing bad or good--so just do what you want. Who cares what other people say or think about you or anyone else? I mean, really, is there a more pointless waste of time?
My parents said the same damned thing about facebook. I just blocked my family from my update status. If something 'gay' happens in a day, I'm not gonna hide it. There's no reason to. All my friends know and accept me. Oddly my Dad thinks me talking about boys is me bragging about my sexuality. The thing here though is he never says this when I'm talking about girls. A definite double-standard. I lied, told him I'm a kinsey 2. NOT that I fluctuate. Sometimes I'm more 'gay' than 'straight' and vice-versa. Usually more straight, but not by a lot. He keeps going on and on about the girls I might be missing out on due to being bi while skipping over the possible guys I can now be with. My Mom has also asked me if I'm homosexual, which I know I'm definitely not - girls turn me on. Just, guys do too. As per family thing. That's up to you. One of my cousins from Florida is going to be in LA and I'm really hoping to meet up with her so I can tell her face-to-face. That goes against what they want. But, it's my life. I might not get another opportunity like this. Basically saying, facebook - there's ways around that. But, feel free to tell whoever you want. My parents still pay my bills, so I have to tread carefully to "obey" their wishes of appearing straight to the extendees. But, some cousins like the example I gave? Sure, why not. My friends, for the most part, have been able to keep it a secret. Family would work the same, if not stronger. It's your life dude.
Thanks for your replies guys. It helps a lot =) I've been doing my best to get my parentals to see my side and I fully understand their thoughts, concerns, fears, etc. I think I am going to tell them my aunts know and it isn't a big deal. I think that will change some things...hopefully. They've been debating about going to meetings and such and I haven't really stressed it in the past because they aren't very 'talk about their problems with other people' kind of people. But I think I am going to really push that now both for my benefit and theirs. And as for family I'm just going to go for it. I'll feel oodles better and my parents will too once they realize this way is better for everyone. No secrets, no whispers, just honesty. Then I can finally start bringing my boyfriend around without him just being my "friend."
I don't really know about what advice to give, but I know exactly what you're going through. My mother basically has forbidden me from telling anyone even though she knows all my friends and family know but she's like don't tell random people because its something only I should know, but its just like, -_-.
Yea it drives me nuts too. I give them the fact that they really are trying to do what they think is best for me, but they have no idea. Oh parents. What would we do without them?
Definitely get that. Only thing that I'm wondering is do actions speak louder than words? Does their action of forbidding you to tell anyone show their own inability to accept it over their words? Or do their words of acceptance weigh more heavily than their action of forbiddance? Two polar opposites. Which one 'says' more. "Family meetings" over things like this are more "my way is law or the highway." No jury, no equal agreement. Plus the duality also shows up (I'd think bisexuals notice this since we are a divide) talking about guys we like is flaunting our sexuality, while talking about girls we like is no big deal. Really makes it hard to determine what to rely on - actions or words.
What Chip said. Show your parents that you're mature - an adult - by explaining that you've considered their request but that you're going to do things your way. At that point you can tell them that you've told your aunts already, and you intend to tell the rest of your family. Your sister should be the next one to hear it - so that she doesn't hear it from someone in highschool OR one of her cousins. Because your sister knows doesn't mean she's going to necessarily tell anyone. I told my kids when they were 6 and 8 that I was gay. I told them that it wasn't a secret, and that if they wanted to talk to other people about it they could. But at the same time I told them that they were also entitled to their privacy, and that they didn't need to tell anyone if they didn't want to. I explained that not everyone understood what being gay meant, and like most other things, if people don't understand something they often make fun of it. I don't see why your sister couldn't be told. I'm sure she's going to get all that. Good luck! And welcome to EC!
The part about not telling your sister because it'll make her life harder doesn't really make sense to me. I think anyone who would make fun of somebody because their brother, who doesn't even go go the same school, is bi has no life. I don't think it would be a problem.
