Newsweek published a story this week about men they call BWMs, that is beached white males (who used to drive BMWs). As I read the story, it sounded just like me: a college educated man in his mid 40s who lost his job in this current downturn. While I'm not looking for pity here, the result is many men like me have had their self esteem battered. We're not used to losing and now we fear maybe our lives are really over. Talk about mid-life crisis! The story gets really interesting when sex comes up. Many of us who are married are having a hard time being intimate with our wives--that person who seems to be judging us is not someone you really feel like making love to. So, we retreat to internet porn and nsa side relationships. Now since the article was in Newsweek, they didn't dare ask how many BWMs have found solace in m2m relationships. I know I have--and wonder if there are others like me. Not until I was out of work and feeling very down and out did I decide to find some relief/release in gay sex. Now, if I intend to stay married, this is not a healthy strategy for dealing with self esteem issues. I'm starting up with a professional counselor this week. However, but for my current career mess, I likely never would have discovered how much I enjoy gay sex. My entire adult life I have felt bisexual--and until this year had lived faithfully in a heterosexual marriage. Clearly I'm transitioning--but I don't have an idea where I'm going.
well I can't exactly say I condone affairs, and would urge you to consider not seeking sex outside your marriage, but I will say that I'm happy you're finding out more about yourself. I think the important thing here is do you want to stay with your wife? If you do, then it doesn't matter if you're sleeping with men or women, its still not her; however, if you are no longer interested in being with your wife, you should be up front and honest with her, you don't have to come out of the closet, but you should be wary of hurting her as you find yourself. I hope that you're able to find the clarity and understanding that you need.
My main opinion on this is you have three options. * Give up gay sex. * Tell your wife you're opening the relationship. * Get divorced. Lex
Sorry, but this probably won't end well for you. You can't have your cake and eat it too--most of the time. You weren't faithful to your wife and if you want to live a bisexual lifestyle, you should tell her. If you really love her, you owe it to her.
I can certainly relate to your situation, but I don't necessarily have different advice. I strongly believe (now) that you don't need to have sex with other men to know that you'd like having sex with other men. And if you like having sex with other men, you're not straight. If ALL of your affairs are with other men, and it's gay porn that you turn to, then I'd suggest that you're not bisexual, but gay. Cheating isn't the answer. If you carry on down that path (as I did) you'll end up miserable. It isn't the person you really are - you know that what you're doing is wrong. And the more shame and guilt that piles up, the more distant you'll become with your wife and the more sex you'll need as a distraction or release from that stress and despair. Can you see what a vicious circle this can become. That's certainly what it became for me. This is a very difficult time for you in many respects. You're financial situation might be dire. Your ego has taken a beating, and you're having these doubts about your orientation and marriage. REALLY scary - I know. Seeing the counsellor will be extremely helpful. Be open and honest with them about this. You need to start working through this. Stop seeing other men. It isn't fair to your wife, and it really isn't doing you any good. It is simply providing a distraction from what is really bothering you. At a minimum, it is sex based on a very negative and shameful base, as opposed to sex that is part of a loving and healthy relationship with someone. All the while you're married and keeping this a secret from your wife, it's not a healthy expression of homosexuality. I've been there. And it doesn't even compare to what I'm able to experience now that I'm no longer married and in one of those loving and healthy relationships with another man. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss further - or post here again for the benefit of others who find themselves in the same situation but who are just lurking and reading. Your situation is more common than you think. Working through it in a mature and responsible way isn't so common I'm afraid. One of those situations where you should do what I say, not what I did.
One of the things Joe Kort talks about with regard to heterosexually married gay men is the issue of personal integrity as they are processing their newly-aware feelings. It can certainly be exciting to find something that you've felt like you always wanted and needed, and the risk, emotionally, is becoming overly attached to those feelings of wanting to be with a guy, while you're still in a relationship with a woman. I will echo the comments of the other posters, but with a little bit more nuance. Allowing those feelings to come to the surface and allowing yourself to act on them are both new things. And I can understand the desire to experience sex with another man to see if what you're feeling is a mindset or an actual experience. But now that you've experienced it, and you know it is something you connect to, you really have to make a choice if you are going to remain in integrity with yourself. Putting aside your wife and her feelings for a moment, if you have any level of self-integrity, then you cannot feel good about going around behind your wife's back. In addition to hurting her (and potentially putting her at risk of STIs), you are hurting yourself because you are rationalizing these hookups as somehow OK because you are exploring, or because it's gay and not straight cheating, or something. This is, as Jim said, a pretty common experience for men in your situation, but it isn't ok, and left unchecked, it will end up harming you as well as your relationship with your wife. I know this topic has been discussed before in another thread you started, but it feels like perhaps you're looking for justification for your actions in this Newsweek article. And the bottom line... there is none. Frankly, I think the Newsweek article's take on sex is essentially a bullshit rationalization for cheating. If someone is out of work and having a rough time with his spouse, the thing to do is to talk about it and discuss the issues and the feelings of vulnerability he is experiencing when his wife badgers him... not go cheat on her. But it's easier to try to bury the feelings of inferiority rather than own the vulnerability, which is why this sort of thing happens... but Newsweek obviously didn't go into that, because it wouldn't be a popular thing to discuss. So Lex got it right, there are really only 3 choices if you want to maintain any sort of self integrity. I'm also going to point you to two videos, both rather lengthy, that I think could potentially really speak to some of what you're experiencing. The presenter is Brene Brown, Ph.D., who is a brilliant researcher and social worker, and her area of expertise is what she refers to as wholeheartedness... the concept of living a fulfilling life engaged with meaningful connections to others, and how we accomplish that, and what stands in the way of it. These two videos do a pretty good job of explaining some of her work. YouTube - TEDxHouston - Brené Brown YouTube - TEDxKC - Brené Brown - The Price of Invulnerability I also strongly recommend her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and if you haven't already gotten it, Joe Kort's (horribly misnamed) "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love." Hope that helps.
Really great advice guys. Thanks. Lex and Chip are right, I really only have three choices. I do believe the right thing to do right now is to stop having sex with men until I figure out with my counselor what's really going on in my head. I do love her and she's become the unwitting victim here. Not honorable at all. Sometimes there are things more important than free sexual expression. I believe honesty and integrity are there. And, as Jim pointed out, if I truly am gay (clearly an open issue for me), any homosexual relationships I've embarked on are on the wrong foot too. Lies and betrayal are no way to live. Thanks for the reality check. Expect to hear from me again. I'll probably keep saying the same things over and over--you guys are great and I need the honest feedback. Guess that's why EC is here?
That's exactly why EC is here. I wish I'd had the insight to talk to someone earlier about what I was feeling and what I was doing. I could have avoided a whole lot of pain and suffering for me and the people around me. Good luck.
