Hey all, I'm Ash. This is gonna be longish and rambly, so thankyou if you can actually get through it. I'm 15 and I'm pretty certain I'm bi. I'm proud of being who I am and I'm out to all of my school friends, but not my family or scouts (I'm the oldest of the troop, and the senior PL - so I don't think the ten to fourteen-year-olds need to know that about me). I'm lucky that in my circle of friends at school, there is a very unusually high number of bi's and even those who aren't don't care a bit about it - they just go "yep, ok" and move on with life. I have a scout leader who is in no way related to me or my family, but he's more my father than my own father is, so as far as I'm concerned he's my dad. He knows and he accepts it just fine. The thing that you need to understand is that my nuclear family at home, well, it just doesn't work. Me and my father hardly talk, it works better for us to just peacefully coexist. My mother and I have a love-hate relationship. I do love her (she's my mother, after all) but I also hate her guts at times, and we fight then we get on, we fight then we get on. And whenever I try to talk to her about something... Well I shouldn't complain about her being supportive, but she goes completely over-the-top. I can see it already. Me: Mum, this is something I've been trying to tell you for some time about me. You see, I'm- Her: I just want you to know that I'm your mother and I'm always here for you no matter what, I will always love you and be here to help you out. M: Yeah, but you see, I'm- H: I'll always be here to listen to you and I'll never judge you, Ash. I'm your mother and I always will be, and- M: But I'm- H: -and you'll always be my little girl no matter what. M: Mum, I'm bi. H: *gobsmacked for a split second* M: As in bisexual. H: You don't know what you feel. You're only 15, remember? Your body is still growing and changing, and your hormones are haywire. If you just give it a few months- M: Mum, I didn't tell you this on the spur of the moment. I know what I feel and you can't tell me I don't. H: Well I'm always going to be here for you to talk to and I'll always care for you no matter what- M: I know all that... H: But I really think that you can't make that choice, not at 15. You don't even know what love feels like. (She's actually said this to me, in the past.) M: I'm really glad you're not angry or anything, but I really need you to know this and accept it as a part of me and who I am. I'm still your daughter, same as I always was. H: *more supportive stuff, ad nauseum* M: *tries to escape* H: *keeps going* *fight starts as I try to make her get the point that I know she cares and all that.* So I realise I probably shouldn't complain but... I'm considering that to at best avoid, or at least put off, that conversation, maybe I should write her a letter? Obviously it's not as good as face-to-face, but it might be better than that. The choice is, face to face or letter. F2F is obviously preferable, but a letter could be easier for both of us. Is a letter taking the "easy way out"? Opinions?
Well if you send her a letter your going to F2F eventually right? So no it wouldn't be taking the easy way out. And actually it would probobly be more heartfelt if you did it F2F first hand. You can think about what you want to say
I realise that we'd have to have F2F eventually, but I'm trying to work out how to cut all the lovey-dovey crap, or at least minimise it. The main reason me and her don't get along is because I react to things in a practical way, she reacts emotionally. When I broke my hip on camp last year, my scout leader (who I call dad) was like "ok, so you've hurt yourself and it's bad, let's get you to hospital" I liked that a lot. Mum rocks up 3 hours later and was all "oh my poor poor baby" and I just snapped "if that's how you're gonna be, get out" It just doesn't work for me. Leads to a LOT of friction between us. Which is why, in a way, my dad (and father) are better for that type of conversation. My father will speak his mind once, then drop it forever and not talk to me again about it, ever. Mum, on the other hand, spouts all this crap, on and on, and will bring it up at EVERY possible time for a "heart-to-heart" which is pretty stupid because I never tell her anything anyway. But, you know. Anyway, my original point was that although F2F is inevitable on the matter, a letter prior to it would take away some explaining an floundering on my part, and hopefully cut the crap on hers.
my mom gets like that too. maybe not to such an extent, but it is impossible to reason with her sometimes cause once she gets into that over emotion mode then there is no logic to be found. I would definitally write her a letter, it works with me and my mom. It gives you a chance to say exactly what you need to say in a easy to follow manner with out being interupted or misunderstood and it lets her take sometime to digest the information so that when the face to face happens hopefully she has already had sometime to deal with emo-mom and actually has absorbed the information and is ready for a conversation, because yes. the conversation will happen, but with less shock and more preparedness. good luck!! if only there was a way for her to share her emotional support babying with the other moms who seem to have lost theirs :S
Thanks ebra, I think a letter is the way to go - it's not like there won't be F2F conversations on it anyway... Next thing to work out is, what to put in the letter and how to write it. I tried to sit her down and tell her today, but the words just wouldn't come. I think if I did it F2F, I'd just need to close my eyes, cross my fingers, and just say it and deal with whatever response I get. A letter would be easier for both of us. I know I'm repeating myself a bit, sorry!! I do that when I'm nervous.
just sit down with then pen and paper and just write. see what happens, dont do it directed to her yet, but just with the situation. then leave it for awhile and come back to it and pick out the most important parts, usually the ones you repeat lots and just edit it down from there, i find that is the best way to weed out what you want to say. its never easy, and you probably end up looking at the result thinking that it isnt right or that it doesnt make sense, but it probably does. or even post it on here, see what people think and get some support. it seems like a good place for that. a fresh set of eyes always helps. id be more then glad to help anyway i can
