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shame

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by subrhythm, Nov 4, 2007.

  1. subrhythm

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    this is something that i haven't talked to anyone about, and i'm not really sure how it will come across! but its on my mind and i would really like some feedback/advice.
    there are times when i feel ashamed for being gay, when i wish that i was straight. sometimes i catch myself feeling so damn happy about the time that i spent with some girl, or the night before when i went clubbing wiht all my gay friends or whatever, and a dark, dark feeling of self-hatred washes over me. i wish that i could be 'normal', mainly for my parents sake. i wish that they didn't have to deal with me (i'm not out to either of them). i usually feel like this when i'm with or thinking about family, and the thought of being out to them scares me to death. but i am 1000000000% sure i'm gay. i have no doubt at all and i desperately crave my parents' approval. how can i start working towards coming out to them?? cause right now it seems like a distant, unatainable dream. any thoughts are muchly appreciated!

    laura
     
  2. beckyg

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    Laura, you have nothing to be ashamed of. We all seek parents approval no matter what age. How do you know your parents won't handle this just fine? All you have to do is be prepared and do it. Get them some information to read. Buy a couple books, print some things off the internet, or call PFLAG. I think once you do this, the heavy load you are carrying will disappear. You are their beautiful daughter. Really most parents, even the ones who have difficulty understanding at first, love their children unconditionally. They would not want you to be miserable or unhappy.
     
  3. TeeBe

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    I completely undersand how you are feeling. I will hang out with my "straight" friends, and wonder why I can't just make myself be like them. At the same time, I know it won't happen. Coming out to (my supportive) friends and my mother helped alot. And...I learned that one of my close female friends was bi! She is happy. It kind of gives me hope. My mother tries not to talk about that particular "flaw" in my personality, but she still loves me. I don't know if that shame will ever completely go away, but I try to have fun and accept myself the way I am.

    In time, your parents will accept you. Theydon't really have a choice, but every parent (or most :S) want to see their children happy. When they see you happy with another woman, they will understand.

    (On the unhappy offchance that they don't, I imagine that that unbearable unpleasantness that ensues would make it rather easy for you not to care what they think. But that is the more unlikely of two outcomes...And it doesn't seem to happen that often.)
     
  4. Bryan

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    First of all, you aren't not normal. Just because you like girls doesn't mean that you are weird. Also, you shouldn't be ashamed. coming out to your parents may be strange, but they will probably accept you for who you are. Oh, and you should be happy for spending the night with a girl, that is a "normal" emotion
     
  5. SpikySpice

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    You sound like a normal guy to me, being who you are is normal. Not only you fell this, it's normal feeling for gay guys who dont feel comfortable bout themselves

    You know you are this way, and you are sure you are this way, so you can not run away from it. I felt just the same way like you, but I just reallize it's easier to accept it rather than to fight it. The more you fight or deny, the worse it fels. So 1st of all, you have to get used to it, dont lt other thinsg around you pull you down.

    Of course you dont have to come out for now, because you are not ready yet, I know how it feels, it's horrible, but just some time will help.

    And you need to hang out on a gay helping site like this more, and people here will give you more advices to make you feel happy about yourself so you can accept who you are
     
  6. subrhythm

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    just wanted to say thankyou for everyones thoughts - i felt a lot better after reading your replies. its amazing what a difference a little support and understanding (even from complete strangers!) can make. so thankyou. i feel like i've taken a step forward...

    laura
     
  7. TriBi

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    Your sexuality is just a small facet of the person you are - and if you are a good, caring, thoughtful person - well, who gives a damn about whether you prefer the same sex or the opposite one?

    Oh - and if you come across someone who does - well...it's THEM that has a problem, not you.

    Just be the best person you can, be proud of yourself - and the rest will take care of itself. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Louise

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    Well, everyone got there first and took the words out of my mouth :icon_bigg

    Of all the mixed feelings I had when I found out I can promise you disappointment wasn't one of them. To give this some perspective, I would rather 'deal' with my son's homosexuality than some terrible degenerative debiltating desease, or serious mental illness, or violent criminal/sexual acts.

    There is so much worse in this world than having a homosexual child. Hang on to this when you are beating yourself up. I can promise you that having a happy healthy child is the most important thing for parents, the rest... well it matters of course but it is not IMPORTANT as to wether we love our kids or not.:kiss:
     
  9. pirateninja

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    Unfortunately many people (including myself) can find themselves feeling guilty or ashamed about themselves. But we didn't ask to be this way, and the fact that you have asked yourself "Why can't I be like my friends?" shows you that this isn't some kind of bad choice you made in your lifetime. It's just the way you are.

    After a short chat with my mom last night, I managed to establish how she felt about it. And trust me, her veiws were a lot better than I expected. We all crave our parent's approval. We all want our parents to be proud of who we are, but they can't control every aspect of our life, sometimes we do grow up to be somebody they didn't expect. But just because we aren't exactly what they expect us to be makes us worse than what they expected. Yes, being straight would probably be a lot easier than being gay, and it would probably be a lot easier for my parents too, but it doesn't mean that it would be any better.
     
  10. Ty

    Ty Guest

    Being gay makes me feel bad sometimes too -shall not expand on that-