My Dad...

Never hugged you? D':
That's so sad...

He showed a lot of regret when he came and talked to you and that right there is proof that, with time, he can follow a logical chain of thoughts and figure out what he'd been doing wrong.
I think you should figure out his opinions and history regarding homosexuality, then if all looks promising, go for it.

 

First of all, I'm sorry for what's happened in your life. You seem to have had a lot to deal with. (*hug*)

Second, I would tend to agree with Nazo. It mightn't necessarily be in your best interest to come out until you can get an idea of how your father would react. It sounds to me like he'd support you, but given his background, it might take him a while to get there. There are subtle ways to bring up gay rights issues without really suggesting that you're gay. You can maybe talk about gay celebrities in the news, or something like that.

Best of luck.

 

You have really been through a lot, especially for your age. As others have mentioned, it seems like he's trying to make amends and obviously loves you. You might mention something about the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy that was recently repealed in the military which now allows gay people to serve openly. I don't know, but his opinion about that might give you some feel about his opinions on gay people. Best of luck to you and please keep us posted.

 

Given the situation you are in now, in the wind as you put it, I think that if you are seriously considering it, you should come out to him. It sounds like each of you needs the other right now, and it would be helpful to have some true heart-to-heart talks with him. You can tell him that you have a lot going in your life and you really need his support. After what happened to your brother (which I am so sorry to hear), even if he had difficulties regarding you being gay, I think he would take extra care to try to understand and support you.

 

After reading your post i can't help but feel like your dad would benefit from a face to face, man to man coming out. I think he would respect the courage it would take and the honesty from you, and from the sounds of him hugging you, he is trying to be more considerate. As ever it is your choice when you come out, but this sounds like one of those opportunities that people wait for.
My condolences for your brother, i hope things go well

 

I tried that and the person honestly wasn't informed as to what the policy was. >.<
It might work for you though, its a good idea.

 

It sounds like you had somewhat of a rough path, but the road looks clearer now. I don't know if it'll all be smooth sailing from here on out, but it seems more likely now than it did.

I think perhaps coming out to your father might be a good idea. In fact, if things go right, it might actually be a positive thing in your relationship with him. It'll depend both on how you go about it, and how he reacts. The latter, of course, you really can't do anything about, but the former you can.

Let me see if I can explain. Your father has followed a narrow and rigid course for the last decade and a half. And it took a death and a divorce to make him see the problems inherent in that course. But this isn't to suggest that he was a complete and utter failure as a parent to you. Yes, his insistence on following the family tradition of military school, football teams and military service was wrong on all counts. But I'm guessing there were correct and positive messages mixed in with the wrong ones. And your coming out to him can be an indication to him that these correct and positive lessons were learned. In short, it's actually possible that you coming out to him might end up showing your father that you've learned the right lessons, and that he isn't a "failure" as a parent.

Here's how. When you're set, go and have a talk with your father. You're going to want to come from a place of quiet strength, of acceptance of who you are and where you're headed. It might go something like this. I don't know exactly what you're thinking in terms of your future, so I left that part rather vague - obviously, feel free to alter it as you see fit.

"I'd like to talk to you about a few things if I could. Not long ago, you came to me and said you'd been a horrible father to me. And I don't know if that's entirely true. Although you might've made mistakes in the past, I do know I've learned several positive things from you that have helped shape me into the person I am today.

"What I'm going to say next might freak you out a bit, but hear me out. I'm gay. I've known for several years that I'm gay. And since coming to this realization, I've worried how to reconcile that - both with the future you'd envisioned for me, and with you yourself. But here's the thing. I don't think it changes anything. I'm still Brody. I'm still the jock who loves football.

"I thought about not telling you about this. But I don't think that's how you raised me. I'm willing to face my potential problems head-on. And I think you deserve to know where I stand, and I think you're at a point where you can handle this bit of information."

"It might take you some time to process this. You might have questions, or concerns. That makes sense - it took me time to process it, too, and God knows I had plenty of questions and concerns. Still do, actually. But feel free to ask. I'll try to answer as honestly as I can."

My hope is that by doing so, you not only encourage what positive parenting skills he's exhibited, but also sort of show him a new path. A way of interacting that isn't based on cold reserve or pent-up emotion, but one that comes from both factual basis and genuine concern. In other words, hopefully he'll see that "my son is mature enough to tackle an issue like this on his own, and stalwart enough to discuss it with his military father. If he's capable of all that, apparently, I must not have done such a horrible job with him."

Of course, you're the best judge here. You might come to the conclusion that he wouldn't respond well to such a coming-out, or even that you might not be able to pull it off. If so, that's totally your call - you know your father and your relationship with him far better than I do. But it's worth considering.

Lex

 

I wanted to highlight this. From your post it is very clear that you dad wanted you and your brother to grow up and be strong and courageous men. Being a strong and courageous person is just not storming a beach. It is much more than that. It is having the strength to be who we are. Being able to sit down and have those difficult conversation with people, even when they might end badly.

You dad might be a little shocked and need some time to come around. At the end of the day having the courage to look him in the eye and say this is who I am and I am proud of it. That counts for a lot and it will show he raised a strong and courageous son. He might not recognize that, especially in his current state, so tell him.

 

I say yes, but give him his space if you choose to tell him, be ready to be patient. I think after that experience, he will be much more accepting, but he may be shocked, nervous and scared. If it went badly, would you have a back-up plan?

I'm sorry for all you have been through(*hug*). I can't imagine going through what you have been through, you definitely are strong!

 

I came into this thread with my mind numb. After reading this I almost threw up because of what's happened. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Make a point of watching the news at the same time as him. Or reading the newspaper and saying 'have you seen this' when something relating to gay rights - or even human rights. If that goes well, introduce a gay friend. Or a lesbian one, to avoid him thinking you have a bf (you'd have to come out to a friend before doing this though. It doesnt really matter if this friend is gay). If the above goes well, then just be like, 'dad, I have something to tell you. I'm Gay'

and its great you're getting on better with your dad, although I'm sorry it took your brother's death to make it happen.