I am new to the ranting community so this will give everyone a chance to see how I really process thoughts. (Sorry for having to resort to this). First: Really bad day. I don't really have bad days, so this kind of took me by surprise. I was e-mailed by the teacher of my online class that our exams, which would be proctored, were "open-book, open note." So, with that thought in mind, I didn't study. Early today, I went to the campus to take the test, book in hand, and prepared to take the final. The ladies who helped assort the folks to go to classes were as nice as can be, so (the college I attend has a reputation amongst students for always being up to something), that was a welcomed change of pace. I went to the room to take the final, and the first thing the proctor tells me is to "put the book down." My first thought is to tell him that the book was open book/open note, but the way he said it made me think that I wouldn't have a chance if I did or didn't, so not only did I take the final blindly, the material which the professor said the material would be on wasn't even accurate. It was a summation of the semester's material rather than the final unit. Anywho, I got a failing grade, and sent the professor a message saying apologizing for the grade (she wants to know where I took the final because it was offered on more than one campus). I hate having everything go smoothly and screwing up at the very end of the semester but that has followed me for quite some time now. Second: To alleviate my stress, my mom, brother and I went to the local produce market. I personally love the vibe of the market because it's fresh food and everyone there is really nice and such, and there's also another reason why I go there too: there's a guy (there are a lot of Hispanics in the area so I am guessing that he is Hispanic) and he is rather good looking to me, nice build and a nice smile too; all around good guy, but lately (we go every Friday) he's been handing the bags out to people when they leave the check-out area. A few weeks ago, he handed me the bags to go (he tends to hand them to me for a weird reason, now that I think about it), his hand, or at least his finger, kind of touched mine. When he handed me change once, there was some finger action as well. Well, this time, I think before even entering the store, he looked towards me and my mom (I'm out to her but I'll get to that later), and went about what he was doing. I am not sure about whether he is or is not gay or anything, but it at least gives me something to focus on and to 'test' myself around an interest. We were walking around the market and our eyes met (kind of like they do in the romance movies), and that was that. As we were continuing our trek through the market (my brother decided to stay in the van), we got all of our groceries and went to the check out area, where he (I think he knows that I kind of veer his way in the market now that we've been there for so long) got all of our things totaled (I had to go get my card to pay for a coool looking potato; it's purple so I thought it would be cool to buy [it was only 23 cents]) so he and my mom were chatting (she told me to speed it up), and when I walked back in, I paid for my portion (he wanted to know if he could take less out of my card's amount to use more of her cash so I thought that was a little bizarre), and this time, he (I think very deliberately) took the four bags from their respective area, sorted them out in his hands and gave them for me to hold. Our fingers touched for more than the normal time, (I could have took his hand and made out with him, that was how long it felt his fingers were next to mine) and without doubting it I can say that I was interested in doing more than that :icon_wink. That gave me some energy to want to go back and do it again :eek:, so this time I entered in the hopes of talking to him, but he had to go to the back and help out with sorting things, so another employee came out and rung my total, making me feel bummed about not talking to him one on one. Third: This part of the state that I am in is driving me and my family crazy. It has at least caused a strain of who I am and where I want to be, and I am afraid that I might have to stay another year to finish up school before moving somewhere else. There's no progression, no gains of any sort, just one long ______ (that was supposed to be a flat note, or flat line but that would be mean), lasting for over 5 years. From random people doing random acts, people stopping their van to hand out books at an ice cream parlor to use to get 50% off of ice cream you already paid for and telling the ice cream parlor lady that we should get a discount because he had the book (wish she replying that we already paid for it) and other random, random acts, everyone around here seems to be so focused on going to the beach and that kind of thing, and it really makes me feel like an outsider. The two cities nearby are too stupid and caught up in other things to realize that they should work together. The people here, although being from everywhere ironically, all come across as cold, stubborn and selfish. My family and I have honestly had less drama going around us evacuating from New Orleans to Houston and moving to Florida the day-to-day crap that we experience here. I guess for more background (although I shouldn't for the sake of their privacy): My mom is a disabled veteran that served in the Army and was honorably discharged after hurting her back after trying to move something that was too heavy. My brother and I basically run the house, make sure that the puppy is fed and mostly everything is up and running, while she helps with what she can. It has put a strain on things, no doubt: always having to help isn't always easy to prepare for mentally, but she is my mom and I have to help her with anything because that's what good sons tend to do. She didn't really care when I came out to her http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/36615-out-mom.html but I think I am starting to feel the effects of moving so much in the form of not having others to relate to. It may be that I know that I'll move somewhere else as time passes, or it may be because I'm not open enough or shallow and stubborn, but there's something that is keeping me from being who I am that is seperate from being gay. My brother is the guy that plays Pokemon that still acts 12. He is deaf in one ear, but honestly, you wouldn't know in any more ways than based on appearance that I am into guys. It's still funny to see him approach things in a kid like way but still has the straight-manliness that straight guys do, but it's all to keep the two of us going. He used to always want to fit in with 'the guys' when we lived back home and he excelled in football whereas I was the bookworm. He would pull my shirt up and show off my flab, the guys would laugh at me, and I would run inside crying and my mom would comfort me. He didn't really care much at the time either. When I put on some muscle after working out with mom for six months, they all stopped their shit. I was at least on the same level as them but it still made no difference: in my heart, I wanted out because I would always stand out in one way or another, so Hurricane Katrina and what she did was a catharsis of sorts. Now, he and I bond over Ghost Adventures, memories of home, and the randomness that happens here in my neck of the woods. I highly doubt that he would care much if I told him (it's kind of funny that he wants a gay friend but I'm assuming that he doesn't know that he has one) nor would he have a really bad reaction, but like I said before, I don't think I can here because there is something holding me back. Fourth: Because of not being comfortable, and living a life of always being on the go, there's that "other half" that wants to be fearless and the center of attention (not always, I'm pretty low maintenance), have friends and meet up for coffee, go out and have fun, and be around genuinely good people and maybe that special someone. But, I know that I have to crawl before I walk, and even that won't get me far. Yes, there are out guys around, and they aren't really my type or I don't have classes with them, or we only see each other rarely, but at times I don't feel the need to talk to someone that I know won't be good to be around or will be the person that you build such hopes for only for them to bail out. I don't need any drama if I can avoid it. The produce market guy is a prime example of someone that I would enjoy being with: gentlemanly, nice vibe, rather nice body, but all around good guy. (I am not lusting after him, I haven't even asked for his name). I want to at least get his name, but how do I do it alone, and where would things go if I'm still living with my mom, brother and puppy (< she's a person too in our eyes; we have a Pekingese named Honey) without things being so awkward? It is because of this, the area where I am currently living, and 'something' that is really holding me back from being who I am. With good faith, sending out good vibes and such, I know that it will be will worth it, but all I really want at the moment is good people, and good conversations. Then other things will happen in time. :icon_wink. This isn't really a Q&A, but if you guys want to throw out some advice on how to stay strong and chat with the guy, or whatnot, feel free to do so. (After writing this, I'm hungry, haha). I am more than sure that the term over analyzing will be used frequently so I am prepared for anything. Thanks for any help in advance.
well mr novelist, your school sounds totally effed, i would try and use the email you got from your teacher as a viable reason to retake the final. as for the guy, give him your number, offer to hang out or go to the movies. sometimes life sucks, but thats not always such a bad thing, since that always seems to be when something good comes along, such as a latino bag boy perhaps?? =P
It is honestly not cool to me how the school (because there are other, larger and more well known colleges right across the bay) tries to promote itself in a way that prospective students can go and feel like the weight is lifted off of their shoulders when things like this happen more often than not. It always keeps me on my toes but I'm a pretty good person when it comes to figuring out what to do next, so I'll check my mail and see if she wrote me back. Does he sound interested from what I gave you in the rant? I hope so, (I know asking on here wouldn't change much, but it's something worth talking about). He is more Latino than Hispanic so who knows, maybe he's not straight and we're compatible and drive off into the sunset? I wouldn't say no to that. (I want to add more to this but I'll have to wait until Friday to see how things go).
well i wouldn't get too far ahead of yourself, but it certainly can't hurt to try, and you'll never know unless you do, so go for it!
I don't know, I don't even have a way of doing much without having to rely on my mom so talking to him wouldn't end up well. I still need to focus on some other things before guys and relationships in order for others to see the best in me (and for me to see the best in myself of course) so I'm still kind of iffy on that. If he starts a conversation with me, I'll reply and be interested, but it's not really worthwhile if it only leads to thinking "What if?" and "I might like him..." only for him to be straight.
look, there is no "right" time, go for it now, just be real about what you are or are not able to do, if he likes you now, then you know you're set, you don't want someone who o nly likes you when you're doing well. and hey, what if hes gay? then take a chance, if not, then what does it matter anyway?
I didn't mean well as in finances or anything, I just meant in a better state of mind, with less things to worry about. Sorry if that came across incorrectly. And I agree, there's nothing wrong in at least trying and see where it takes me. I'll try to work on that now and in the future, working on making friends and being more sociable.
