I'm 18years old currently and I'm a lesbian. I broke my virginity with a girl who I thought love me...smh but things change. I feel so dirty and it still haunts me even though I did it in late Aug. I mean I made her wait for 2years and she stayed. And after we did it she stayed for a few months and then suddently she broke up with me because she "lost interest." Ifeel so dirty, misused, and triffling. She's the only person I've ever slept with and it hurts because I'm sooooo scared of showing her my body and I gave her all of me...i should have just gone through with my original thoughts and just wait for marriage atleast then I wouldnt have to worry about anything.
well hun, there is nothing you can do to change the past, I know it hurts, but it can't be undone. all you can do now is understand that sometimes people have different priorites, not everyone will have the same opinion on things, and you just have to kind of shop around to find someone who does.
Welcome to EC! Sex and relationships can be scary and fraught with peril for much the same reason. Sex involves shucking off our clothes and letting our partner see our naked bodies as they actually are. And relationships often involve shucking off our "masks" and whatnot, and letting our partner see our naked selves as they actually are. In both cases, we're letting our guard down, and exposing our (metaphorical) quivering gelatinous underbelly. And there's no guarantee that this person won't shove a knife straight into it. That said, nothing in your story suggests that she was using you, or only wanted to "fuck you and leave you". People who are looking for nothing more than a physical fling generally don't spend two years trying to get into somebody's pants, and they certainly don't hang around for a couple months afterwards. This isn't to say the sex had absolutely nothing to do with it, of course. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say it went something like this. She DID find you appealing, maybe even had feelings for you, perhaps even loved you. (At your age, these feelings can be harder to dope out.) And she may have even started falling OUT of love with you before you had sex. But she may have thought "Well, once we have sex, we'll bond further." (A lot of people think that way.) And then you two had sex, and...well, she didn't feel any closer to you. This happens. She may have tried to keep it going for a couple months, and still not feeling any closer to you, she called it off. I don't know if this was actually the case, but if it was, neither of you can really be faulted. She apparently didn't pressure you too hard to have sex (that, or you put up quite a struggle for two years). She didn't leave immediately. And when she realized things weren't getting any better on her end, she broke it off. Not just so she could find somebody she would feel for, but she also freed YOU up from being tied to somebody who didn't feel the same. You had sex with another woman. Because you both wanted to. And hopefully, you both enjoyed it. That's what sex is supposed to be all about. This isn't the 18th century. You're not now "tainted" in some way. There's nothing "dirty" about having sex, especially two years into a relationship. If you really and truly feel this way, I think you need to take some time to figure out why, and how to get beyond that. Lex
Toneth and Lex have got it right. What happened with you and your ex sucks a lot, but it sounds like you guys just had different ideas about what your relationship means. You should know though, what you did is NOT dirty. You slept with your girlfriend of two years. That happens, it's normal and natural. I get why you are feeling upset now about it, because then your relationship just ended, but don't beat yourself up for having sex with her. At the time that you did it, it must have seemed like the right thing. So don't beat yourself up, you didn't do anything wrong. (*hug*)
