Hey, woops, wrong section, but I dont really know if I'm gay or not. You might want to stop reading now if you dont want to hear my odd upbringing stuff lol Heres some info, when i was really young(5 or so) me and a friend were exploring eachother, and my brother was present in the room(though me and the friend were under a blanket, I think.. this is vague) and my brother ended up telling my parents about it and i ended up giving my mom a card i made that said i love her and that im not gay(I actually remember sitting at the top of our staircase screaming "SHUT UP IM NOT GAY"). After that I had experiences with 2 other male kids(all before i was 10, and we were all the same age). ok well, yea, thats the start of it.. also about that age i had a peer-helper guy in my kindergarten class who i prettymuch idolized cause he was really nice, he was my parents friends son, and he ended up coming out as gay, idk if that would have had an effect. to add, i also(oogod. im mentioning this? lol) i found a deck of cards in my moms room, which every card had a naked guy, and being the age i was i admired them(they were all men 30-50, masculine and hairy n all that stuff), also in our spare room i saw a few minutes of a very old xrated movie which was mostly a very masculine hairy guy. in grade 5 i had 2 girlfriends, one i really liked, but we ended up breaking up the next day(it was valentines day when she asked me out, i even brought her heart shaped candies - its a cute memory) and the other i just remember having really cold boney hands. in grade 7 i went out with the first one again, but only lasted a few weeks, im not sure why really. in grade 8 i was hanging out with a few friends that were girls and i dont remember what was said but i ended up asking why none of them dated me and they said i felt more like a 'brother' to them -.- as if anyone wants to hear that. lol ok, from then on i never had a girlfriend, almost had one, which was my friends sister, but i just felt that i shouldnt because i labelled myself(only on the inside, i was 100% closetcase) as gay. with all that, thinking i was gay from a very young age, im not trying to put blame on anything for why im like this, but i think i could be straight, its just my past has made me think otherwise. the part about the cards and x rated movie, those are the types of guys im finding myself attracted to. but its not that i dont find girl attractive.. i almost feel not good enough to be with a girl, any girl really.. i feel ugly, fat, unwanted. honestly i feel the same about guys, who would want me? its just that i think guys would be more understanding about the way i look? i dont know.. im confused! i think theres more than just 'im gay' though, ive kept myself from dating numerous girls because i just thought 'uh oh, i shouldnt, im gay, right?' ok i wont deny i have feelings for guys, but i dont think its strictly just that.. could i be bi, but dont think im good enough for a girl? Just writing this confused the hell out of me.. i dont know if anyone can make sense of that jumbled mess of thoughts... lol sorry..
feeling what you're feeling must be tough. but i assure you that there is someone out there for you, male or female. What matters is what's on the inside. I'm sure whoever you end up with will be very happy and lucky to have you. as far as orientation goes, it sounds to me like you could be bi. of course, I could have no idea what i'm talking about. but what i do know is that life is too short to limit yourself based on your past decisions. life leaves us plenty of room to change our minds. human nature is, in essence, subject to change and growth and, unfortunately, the hassle of being fickle. lol. basically, your feelings are your feelings, so be proud of them . it's ok to feel confused and uncertain, but just know that no matter what you turn out to be- straight, bi, gay, whatever- it doesn't define you as a person. so it sounds like you like guys. and that's totally ok. it also sounds like if you hadn't labeled yourself as gay, you would have had more girlfriends. so if you want a girlfriend, then by all means! life is too short. i also know what you mean by feeling somewhat pressured to choose your orientation based on who you think will accept you. personally, i think girls are absolutely intimidating (if not terrifying, lol.) i think that's why i told myself i was straight for so long, because i didn't want to face rejection so often. but now that i've realized i'm bi, well...i'm still just as intimidated, but i can't ignore my feelings, lol. best wishes, anyhow. i hope i helped. again, i could have no idea what i'm talking about, but just know that you're not alone.
Hi, First, exploring with a friend is very normal at 5 or 6. As is sneaking a peek at your parents adult pics or mags or movies or whatever. The play with other kids is also fairly common, though the majority of kids are more likely to "experiment" with kids of the opposite sex. What seems to be going on now is you're trying to figure out what your truth is. And that may not be a quick-and-easy answer, in part because your conscious mind and your unconscious mind will fight with each other and rationalize things to try and get an answer you *want* rather than one that is necessarily truthful. For example: Perhaps you really decided not to go out with the girl because you thought you might be gay. Or perhaps you convinced yourself that this was the reason, but the *real* reason was you weren't at all attracted to any of the girls... because you're gay So... in any case, it's useful to know that sexual orientation isn't binary. Most people aren't 100% straight or gay (though most are close to one end or the other.) And where you are on the continuum can take some time to figure out. What does seem clear is you're attracted to guys. So you're most likely not 100% straight. The question is, what level of attraction do you actually have toward girls? Like, when you're walking down the street, do you notice guys or girls? At the beach, are you looking at girls in bikinis, or guys in skimpy speedos? When you masturbate, are you thinking about guys or girls? If you can honestly answer these questions that it's a mix of guys and girls, you're likely bisexual or somewhere on the bisexual continuum. If you answer that it's mostly guys, then you're likely more on the gay end of the spectrum. Keep in mind also that your mind will play tricks on you: if you don't want to be gay (and most of us, when we were first dealing with it, didn't want to be gay), then you can come up with all sorts of rationalizations and justifications to try and convince yourself you're straight. So sometimes, just knowing that your mind is likely to do this sort of thing can help you to see through it and get a clearer picture of the truth. If you can think about that and perhaps amplify more about some of the above issues, it might be easier to help you to clarify things for yourself.
