As the title says. Lately, I've been very depressed. I am always sad but now it's getting worse. I hate myself. I see everything I do as wrong. I am in a bad mood most of the time and that makes me argue with my parents even more than usual. I hate myself so much that I've started to hurt myself... like, I hit myself with the hard part of a key chain (hard acrylic, sharp edges, 1x2 inches) until my legs and butt were all marked and sore. It hurt but I kept doing it. At least physical pain makes me forget emotional pain. I want to die but I'm too much of a coward to seriously try to kill myself. I don't see any light anymore. People from here have told me that I'm great, that I'm a good friend, but I don't believe them. They have no reasons to think that. I am nastier and sadder by the day. I don't do anything right. I just tire everyone with my endless whining. I think I don't deserve to be happy because I haven't been a good person, nor a good son. I feel that I'm just paying. I'm sorry... I know I should not post this. Everyone has enough with their own problems. But I needed to vent. Sorry. And before everyone suggests it, I know I'm nuts and I need medical help but I can't afford it. I do my best without it.
omg fred.. you need help! why don't try to go to therapy? it helps a lot.. beleive me i've been and it has helped
Fred, you know you can always talk to me or anyone else I'm sure. You were my first friend here and your wellbeing is important to me.
>< i read that... but idk talk with your parents.. they should help you pay it what about medical insurance do you have one?
The last thing a person ever wants to do is go to their parents. Nothing more awkward then "hey mom, ( who he doesnt even get along with ) I definitally hate myself and these injuries sure gave them to myself. what are you going to do about it? " cause ive been there and done that. Fred, sometimes it goes away on its own, sometimes it doesnt. Trust those people who mean the most to you, because chances are, even when you feel you dont deserve it, or that u dont believe them, you mean the most to them too. Vent all you want, and theres people on here, myself included, that would me more then willing to just sit and talk sometime. There isnt anything wrong with you. You dont deserve to feel like things, and you are not paying for ANY thing. I dont know barely anything about you, but i would bet my life on those things. Drop me a line sometimes, and maybe I can try and give you a little help on what helped me. good luck *hugs*
:icon_bigg :icon_bigg That's just for you Fred. Depression, been there, done that, still doing it. Fred you are not alone. No of course we don't know you personally but we care, we like you, we feel what you are feeling because I think most people here have been there to some degree or another. I am not advocating hurting yourself, it is just a cheaper version of drink, drug or sex abuse but it is unfortunately one of signs of a deep depression, one that needs professional attention. Could you at least see your doctor for medication. From what I have read about serious depression it is often caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain so all the therapy in the world won't help if you can't get the balance right. I have been where you are now with the feeling of worthlessness, nastiness, hating myself, being agressive and argumentative. This is the depression taking over, this is not you. We know the real you, we have seen him in your posts. You know, already coming here to vent shows that you are fighting the depression, that you don't want to give in and let it win. This is good, this is a good sign. So, the bad points, you are depressed (with good reason I might add) and have no money for therapy. Ok that is our starting point, what are the good points : you are an intelligent, articulate, fighter and last but not least you have EC, you have our love and our support because even if you don't think so we KNOW so; you deserve it. Your posts show that you are intelligent and articulate, the fact that you came here to rant shows that you are a fighter and like I said most of the people here can empathize with you. Can you at least think about going to see your doctor for medication? Please?
Family is always there,even if your in a bad situation with family,you can always go to them and ask for help,listen to you and give some suggestions,or to just listen. I hope you feel better soon
Just for some edification of those of us in the UK, Australia and US concerning Hispanic family structure in South America. It is not as we assume family structure, it is not as open or individualized as it is in our countries. The family unit comes first and all members are to contribute when and how they can, even if it means sacrifice to your own life and happiness. Also being gay in the overwhelmingly Catholic Hispanic cultured states of South America means you are ostracized to the max. Sorry for the depression Fred. There are ways to overcome it, granted with medication it would likely be much easier, but it can be done with cognitive therapy. The caveat with that though is: One must be WILLING to undergo the therapy, actually work the techniques and not impose self limitations as to what will or will not work or be tried. Plus it requires a bit of trust on your part (one of the things within that has been trashed) with the person you are willing to work with and you must be willing to challenge long held beliefs in a variety of areas within your life (religion, spiritual, family, community, state) that here-to-fore you have never questioned. Only when you are willing to step out of your comfort zone will you be able to change what is happening with you. And yes your comfort zone is what you have now as you know it, feel it, know what to expect and how to react, even if it is all negative for you, it is still a comfort to you because you know it so well. It has been proven with MRI studies that physical changes can be seen in the brain when therapy is applied and is succeeding, so changes can be brought about with the old fashion therapy model but it takes a longer time. But the ultimate choice is yours, you can choose to change your life or you can choose to keep it the same. All it really requires is a true willingness. As always, wishing you the best.
